Life Beyond the Village

Olympic Fever Week 1!

2010-02-21T17:58:00.007-07:00

Last night I went to bed ashamed and then woke up even more ashamed, and, a little depressed. I have gotten up late almost every day this week (this is an "off work" week for me) and have gone to bed way too late. Why? The Effin' Olympics, of course!! The reason for my shame today was I logged how many hours I had sat in front of the TV over the last six days and the number began to reach into the 30's. That's about six hours of Olympic coverage per day. I could have used this time to work out, learn to cook, start an online business, worked on Jil's web page, helped homeless children and a whole host of other, probably more constructive things.

But I chose not to. And it's because I'm an Olympic addict and always have been. I love the Olympics because it's two weeks out of the year where our world makes some kind of sense. Where every country gets a chance on equal ground to show what it can do and no one is in it for the money (well, that last part is not true because every sport is about the money, but the athletes don't get a check with their medal). When some dude from China can lay down with some dude from Japan, side by side, in the Biathalon and for once it's not about the enmity both countries have for each other but whether or not they can shoot a target the size of a silver dollar 100 yards away. Of course both shooters know that either a Norwegian or Swede or German will beat them at this game, but they take heart knowing that other sports their countries participate in have a decent chance of getting a medal (like short track skating).

So what have I learned and seen with my huge time investment this past Olympic Week 1? Let me share:

1) I know that a man wearing snakes on his garment, with perfect hair, can make me pay attention to men's figure skating and that Euvgeny Pleshenko is a little Russian bitch with poor sportsmanship. Way to go Evan Lysacek.

2) That a Swedish ski racer can have the worst wreck I've ever seen on a Women's Downhill and can come back the next day and get a medal.

Anja Paerson

3) One thing about short track speed skating: it is the closest thing to organized chaos in sport. But, Apolo Ohno needs to now shave off his little soul patch. Course, it's probably netted him some extra millions in recognizable marketing endorsements but he just looks like the guy at the frat party who is pumping the keg.

4) Bode Miller isn't a D-Bag. He now is throwing out Buddha-like wisdom on what it means to attend the Olympics. I'm paraphrasing here, but basically he said: you have to choose to give yourself over completely to what the Olympics are about. Once you commit, you can then find the passion and will within yourself to rise to the occasion that this event demands. If you can find that special motivation, you can make a magic moment. Way to go B.

5) There is no bigger letdown than going from watching Mens Halfpipe Snowboarding and then watching the Womens. This is as chauvinistic as I will ever be but here goes: it is like watching an NFL game and then watching a junior varsity high school game. The women have some nice tricks but the air is way low, the pushing of the envelope is basically non existent, and the woman who won the gold, Torah Bright from Australia, had no flair and no personality to her run. Maybe it's because Shaun White is so freaking good that he makes EVERY snowboarder look bad. Come on ladies, step it up.

6) Nothing gets me off the couch, wincing and then covering my face like the crashes in Downhill and Super G. It is completely involuntary and reflexive which tells me all my years of skiing have instilled a fear in me that I don't ever want to crash going 70 mph. I can't believe the guts of the men and women who carry that kind of speed down an ice sheet.

7) The MOST BORING SPORT OF THE OLYMPICS (it's a tie): Ski Jumping and Cross Country. No matter how the announcers build up the stories or try to create some kind of drama, these two sports absolutely blow. Watching dude after dude fly through the air in exactly the same way and then land on a hill where you can't discern if it was a big or small jump is torture (I still watched it). Worse is watching a bunch of cardio idiots zip their way around a track, not even racing each other, to try and get the fastest time when they look like they are going 5 mph (I also watched this).

8) Finally, my favorite moment of the Games thus far: Lindsey Vonn hugging her husband at the end of her gold medal downhill run and both crying and congratulating each other. Not sure if that was worth the 30 or so hours it took me to get there but I had some tears in the eye. Way to go Vonn.

The Perfect Valentine's Day: Male and Female Edition

2010-02-07T10:18:00.003-07:00

Here is what you need to do to make Valentine's Day the most romantic, perfect day of the year for your loved one. First, I will advise the Males:

Morning--get up at 6am and wash her car. You need to vacuum and detail the inside, then polish the outside so it is nice and pretty and makes her very happy when she gets in it. On the way home from washing the car, stop buy the grocery store and get some flowers. You may need to do this the night before but I've found if you swing by Harmon's at around 7am, they usually have a nice selection of bouquets. Buy these but don't buy any chocolates. Tacky.

Upon arriving home, arrange the flowers in a vase and then begin making breakfast. In my case, I just need to reach into the fridge and pull out a Slim Fast and pop the top for Jil. Pretty simple. In your case, you need to go all out: OJ, pancakes, eggs, fruit, bacon, whatever she loves. And coffee. Get that ready. You should be hitting the 8am mark now.

DON'T WAKE HER UP YET!!

Now, go take a shower. And clean yourself up. Need I say more? And brush and floss. And use mouthwash. Then dress yourself in something nice and snappy. No t-shirts today. Wear your good jeans and some cool shoes.

At this point she should be stirring. Try to be quiet and don't act too eager to get anything going or even do anything. This is her day and you need to let it unfold the natural way. You have set things up so hopefully it will go your way but you need to be patient. Don't bombard her with questions this early. Just say nice things, listen and be attentive.

After breakfast, suggest a movie or a nice late lunch with some kind of cocktail hour included. If you are feeling brave and want to take this thing to the next level, tell her you'd like to accompany her shopping and she can go wherever she wants and you'll wait for her and love every minute of it. If this is sincere, it's a golden move. If it's not sincere, go back to 6am and start over.

The day is now wearing on and you are creating a perfect mood for what will happen later in the evening. You've done nice things for her at this point, you've cleaned her car, made breakfast, brought home flowers, went shopping with her and now you're relaxing at Starbucks having a decaf latte while she is chatting with her mom or friend and you're reading the paper. The day is flowing just like you planned.

Dinner: Surprise her. Take her somewhere upscale but not extravagant. A place you can afford (in my case, McDonalds), because you do not want her to ask in the middle of the lamb croquette appetizer, "How can you afford this place?" Instant mood killer. Don't draw attention to any weird or fancy dishes either. Some sushi or nice New York strip steak or nice salad with some wine and that is plenty.

Try to get her drunk but don't be obvious about it.

Later, at home: All of your careful planning is now about to pay off. In essence, this has been the longest foreplay of your entire life so don't blow it now. Be patient. Relax with a nightcap, watch an episode of a favorite show and snuggle on the couch. But don't wait too long. Food plus wine plus Dexter means an early bedtime. So make your move as soon as the TV is off. You need to have all your skills ready to go. Use a cheat sheet if you have to. Surprise her. Use the swirl instead of the twist.

Males, you will thank me profusely at how the rest of the night will go.

OK, now, Females, here is what you need to do to make your partner's Valentine's Day the best ever:

Unbutton the top button of your blouse and leave it like that, ALL DAY! Done!

Happy V-Day!

The Buried Life: what will you do before you die?

2010-02-03T11:04:00.006-07:00

Gabe has got me watching this show on MTV called "The Buried Life". There are four guys on this show and the premise is they make a list of things they would like to do before they die, drive around the country in an RV, and do these things. The twist is once they do one of the things on their list, they then need to help a stranger accomplish something in their life that they've wanted to do. In a recent episode, they encountered a street artist in Dallas who had not spoken to his son in 19 years. So they found the kid, and a phone number, and gave it to this father who then actually called his son. He was very grateful and it was a nice moment on the show.

This got me thinking, or at least thinking more deeply after the funeral two weeks ago, about things that I would like to do before I die. For some reason The Buried Life has me so much more inspired than The Bucket List to actually go out and do some of these things. But where to start? Do I think big and go for the grandiose plans, like one day spending a week in an Italian villa on Lake Como? Or start realistically, like every month donating some of my money to whatever charity I choose, even if it's a couple of dollars?

Maybe a list off the top of my head is the best place to start and then I can begin refining it and planning my attack after the initial ideas are jotted down.

So here goes: TOP NINE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE (again, this is a preliminary, off the cuff list, so my final, final list is still a few edits away):

Heli Skiing in Alsaska. Joey Watts has done this and said it is life changing. Basically, you have to plan about a 14 day trip and be prepared to only ski about three to four days. The weather is so sketchy that you can only get in the heli on certain days for safety reasons. However, once you have a good day and get the green light, you are dropped at the top of un-tracked peaks and let loose to ski down them. The length of most of these runs is two to three miles. Think of it this way: you would be skiing in powder, continuously, about ten runs back to back starting at the top of the Flathead lift at Sundance and going down to the base of that lift. That is a lot of powder and lot of skiing. Hell yeah.
Spending one week in the U.K. and following my favorite band, The Damned, to all of their concerts on that isle. The concerts would be a blast but I think it's more of an excuse to explore England since I am somewhat of an Anglophile. Going to different pubs, seeing really cool old castles, traipsing through farms and hedgerows, hoping to find a bustle in there (Led Zep shout out--WHATTUP!), visiting the last resting places of Shelly, Keats, Stoker, and other cool authors. I visited Britain briefly a few years back but it just left me wanting more. Oh, and here is The Damned:

3. Playing golf in Scotland. I think for all the golf history in our family it's only right and just to play golf one time at the birthplace of the sport.

4. Writing a book. I actually have a realistic chance of doing this. Joyce gave me an idea that I'm now pursuing and my goal is to have something published within a year. This will be self-published, since there are tons of companies that will bind a book for you, and it will be non-fiction. I just want to go through the process of writing, editing, organizing and coming up with a finished product. I feel this would be supremely gratifying.

5. God-like organization. This idea came to me as Mom and I were going through Dad's files, drawers, and photos. As good as Dad was at keeping items in certain places, he also has so much salad that it's incredibly daunting to think we could go through all of it. Now that documents, photos and such can be archived electronically (discs or external hard drives), the goal now is to collect all journal entries, photos and the like and periodically save them and sock them away in a safe, secure location. After I die, if you wanted to see what my life was like on October 21, 2010, you can go to the archives and find out. Hopefully it will be somewhat interesting.

6. Come to the point in life where money is no longer THE reigning issue in my life. This does not mean I have made a ton of money; this is just a mental and physical transition where you know bills can be paid, funds can be saved and physical needs are met and that money does not occupy the majority of the space in your brain. Honestly, I get so sick of worrying about money and all that it entails that I want to run screaming from my house and head right into the street and get plastered all over the road, Hank-style. Jil and Gabe would reap the rewards from the life insurance and I could stop fretting.

7. Regularly give time and or money to an organization that would benefit from time and money that I would give. This seems easy but it's actually hard and takes a lot of will power. No one wants to go downtown and serve food to the homeless. It's a lot easier to just write a check and hope the funds get to where they should go. Giving of time is the greater contribution and one that requires the greater sacrifice. I think the very definition of procrastination was borne once someone suggested that you should give your time to charity. "Yes, I need to do that, I will get on it tomorrow..."

8. Create an Evil Ball that would be talked about for decades. Why is this important? Why not? Getting your loved ones together is one of the main reasons for living so let's get together and have a Halloween party to end all parties. I will give you a hint of what this party would involve: horse drawn carriages; huge, roaring bonfires; a castle; roaming actors playing all kinds of movie monsters to scare you during the night; a professional DJ; a professional photographer/videographer; gourmet food; an open, endless and enticing bar including ten different kinds of absinthe; and, other fun surprises. This will happen and you will be invited...

9. Obligatory Travel Goal: Europe, Australia, wherever. This is on everyone's To Do list so it's not that surprising or revealing. It's just I haven't done it and I know it would be amazing and now it's on my list.

What's on yours?

Grammy Post 4: Home stretch!!!

2010-01-31T21:31:00.009-07:00

Fourht Screwdiver...secured okay!!!! We go on and on!!!!!

I am way into Grammy fatigue now. Why do we have to until 10:30? I can't last that long. I'm already buzzed and suffering jet lag from my week in Alabama. By the way, don't go to Alabama. It sucks. It is pretty but so poor. No money. I spoke to so many poor people with hardly any hope of making their situation better. And cities with so many closed buildings. Commercial real estate values will absolutely jack this country up and it is coming in a big way. Residential real estate was bad; commercial values falling will be a disaster.

DAVE MATTHEWS ALERT!! Jil likes him. I have never been a fan. I suffer the same kind of A.D.D. with this music that the Wolf suffers on the golf course. I can't stay interested past the first 2 minutes and Larry can't play well for more than 9 holes. I didn't even watch this, I had to pee.

Justice is served: Beyonce wins Best Female Vocal Performance. If it was Taylor Swift, the night would have been over for me.

Who the hell is Maxwell? Good voice I guess. I'm fading. Not sure I can hang until the Best Album or Album of the Year or whatever it is. To be honest the Grammys have kind of kicked my butt. Why don't they have the Best Viking Metal Album? That honor would go to Amon Amarth. Here they are:

Amon Amarth, Best Viking Metal Band (not a Grammy category)

But, Roberta Flack is singing and I was just singing "Where Is The Love" earlier today so that is cool. Great, classic song.

JEFF BRIDGES ALERT!!! THE DUDE ABIDES!!! Can't wait to see Crazy Heart. He is saluting Les Paul. And now Jeff Beck is on. Go Jeff. But who is singing? A gold dressed lady and no one knows who she is but she is into it. However, I think we have reached the end of the Grammy night. I now really don't care who wins and can't stay awake any longer. Oh well, I'm sure we can all read about it ad nauseum tomorrow morning.

Grammy Post 3: Best Rock Album (8:35 to 9:15)

2010-01-31T20:35:00.008-07:00

U2 will win Best Rock Album because they are at the top of their game. But, they don't! Green Day wins it which is weird. Because U2 really did have an amazing year including their huge tour. Billie Joe is now going to have shots with Kings of Leon. I would seriously do anything to have a shot with all of those guys. That would be a shot that immediately goes into my legendary Shot Hall of Fame. Included in this shot Hall of Fame is a shot I took with Little Ricky in Moab a year ago. The shot was vodka and the dispensing unit was a warm water bottle from the Wolf. It was the shot heard around Moab for sure.

LEON RUSSELL ALERT!!!! Now the Grammys really are the shizz-nit. He looks pretty good considering he looked basically the same forty years ago except without the white beard and hair. And now I need to hear more Zac Brown because I really like his voice. Oh, here was Leon Russell back in the day:

Where did this Zac Brown guy come from? I like him. I really mean he might usher me into a new phase of my musical life. I can't believe I'm saying this but I am looking forward to hearing more Zac Brown.

Are we really only halfway through now? Not sure I can make it all the way.

Third Screwdriver...secured! On we go!!

Taylor Swift is now performing. Listen closely to her voice. It is not good. It is bland. Bleh. Cool guitar though. Some kind of pearl inlay on the neck. She doesn't have as good a voice as an American Idol reject. Oh, and now a Fleetwood Mac cover with....Stevie Nicks!!! Let's compare voices, shall we? The song is Rhiannon, of all songs. Good luck Taylor. Here we go...

Oh Taylor, you are awful. I really like you because you seem very nice and sincere. But that voice is horrible. Stevie is wondering how the hell she got talked into this debacle. If Stevie and Taylor's voices were tennis rackets, Taylor would have an old wooden racket made by Wilson back in 1974 and Stevie would have a brand new, shiny Wilson racket that Roger Federer just used to kick Andy Murray's butt in the Australian open earlier today.

MICHAEL JACKSON TRIBUTE: This Is It. We must pause now to fully take in the tribute of Michael. But, I don't have my 3D glasses on and it looks horrible. Why didn't someone tell me I needed my 3D gear! What am I missing? Smoky Robinson in 3D? How cool could that be? How awful could that be? The song they are singing is killer--good job Michael. But the 3D aspect is now lost and the song is over. What more enhanced experience could I have had? Damn you Grammys!!!

Prince Jackson. You sound like you are a very old person. Hopefully, you will have a good and healthy life. Good job. Now Paris...and she's done.

UPCOMING HAIR NATION ALERT!!! BON JOVI IS COMING UP!!! YES!!! I'll bet it doesn't surprise anyone that right now, if you were riding in my Xterra, you could reach back to the pocket behind the passenger seat, pull out my CD case, and you would find a CD. That CD would be Bon Jovi's, "Slippery When Wet". You could then put that CD in and completely shake your business to the best butt rock ever recorded. As anyone who has spent time with me can attest, I love a good, simple, goofy pop song. Bon Jovi does this kind of music better than almost anyone. But, what song will they sing? The anticipation is killing me.

Bon Jovi the main guy looks great. Richie Sambora, the guitarist, looks a little beaten up. Here they are back in the day:

Pretty 'effin' sweet: Bon Jovi

Now they are playing the biggest hit of their career: Livin' on a Prayer. Go get 'em John. I love you and your tight Jersey pants. However, they basically played a chorus and a verse. Lame.

PREDICTION: I believe things are going to go badly for Rhianna. She has a new album and it's selling and she has moved beyond Chris Brown. But, she has an aura about her that just screams disaster. I don't know why but we will be reading about her in a car wreck/overdose/lover death quarrel in the near future.

Grammy Post 2: Think Pink! (7:42 to 8:30)

2010-01-31T19:35:00.007-07:00

PERFORMANCE: PINK

I am also a big fan of Pink. I've read several articles on Pink and she is one determined woman. She apparently works nonstop and now...has just basically stripped down to nothing. So, ok. Gabe is really watching closely now. The acrobatics are kind of nice and hypnotic. How does she not get dizzy, you ask? I learned this tip from my friend and Twitter buddy, Cris Angel--you have to keep your eyes from moving all over. Keep them steady in your head and you won't lose your equilibrium. And now the water? I guess everyone below is getting a quick cool down. To show all of your body like that takes some bravery so good on you Pink. Oh, and her voice is awesome.

KEITH URBAN ALERT! Jil is really watching closely now. I've written about Jil's fascination with Keith in earlier blogs. Her obsession for him remains undiminished.

BEST NEW ARTIST IS...Zac Brown Band. OK, here is fact about Zac Brown: he toured 314 days last year. What Zac Brown does before every show, which I think is about the coolest thing ever, is cook dinner for 150 fans that are part of his VIP fan club. He makes barbeque with his secret sauce and then feeds all these people, hangs out with them, and just gets to know his fans. I don't know one song of Zac Browns but I love him. He might, he just might, get me into country.

Don't hold your breath.

ZAC BROWN BAND

And now...the black eyed peas. neat.

will.i.am looks like The Gimp!!! He totally has the Gimp head gear on!! Way to go will!! I sit here and wonder how much money these idiots make and it is making me very angry. We need to write a song, just one song, that gets picked up in some famous movie or becomes a popular Christmas tune and live off the royalties. And then play it when we're on the Grammys and have a bunch of other idiots dressed like speakers walk around and gesticulate wildly. What does that Indian dude and the other black dude actually do? Can you name them? No. It's the will and Fergie show. Those other dingbats are just riding on some pretty glammed-out coattails. I kid the Peas but I actually think they throw down a mean beat and are pretty harmless. Does anyone remember the time when the Peas were an underground, socially conscious, hip hop outfit that had high ideals and more interesting music? It was about ten years ago.

PERFORMANCE: Lady Antebellum. In the Country genre and I have actually heard of these folks. Never heard them and I'm hearing them now. Yep, it's country. It sucks. The guy singing reminds me of one of those Rascal Flatts dudes, except about 40 lbs. lighter.

Rascal Flatts fat guy

Best Comedy Album? Okaaay. Hope it's Patton Oswalt. And it's not. It's Colbert. Sounds very lame and goofy. Did you know Colbert sang in a barbershop quartet and had some serious chops? And now he just thanked Jesus. So, the night is not a total loss.

Time for another cool beverage...and the Screwdriver is secured, on we go!

RECORD OF THE YEAR: come on, Kings of Leon please!!!! And it's...YES!!!!!!!!! The Followill brothers come through!!! Every time Caleb Followill gives a comment on his new found fame, he sounds disgruntled but he is right up there getting the award, drunk, and very happy. Grammys got it right this time.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. ALERT!! Love this guy. Go watch him again in Weird Science for a perfect, a-hole performance. Now Jamie Foxx is making me laugh because I can't look at him and not laugh. Full Auto Tune mode. Hopefully 2010 will see the death of the Auto Tune. That is the voice modulating unit that basically allows a crappy singer to actually carry a tune. A crappy singer like T-Pain. Where's the hat T-Pain?? He has, by his own count, about 300 custom made top hats. He buys most of them in New Orleans from a small haberdashery.

SLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! The Grammys not officially do not SUCK! Go read the Slash autobiography for some insight into one of the best guitarists, not just of his generation, but of all time. And one of his favorite albums is Aerosmith "Rocks", which is my all time fave Aerosmith album.

Speaking of best guitarists, did anyone know that a NEW Jimi Hendrix album is now out called "Valleys of Neptune"? It got a four star review in Rolling Stone and apparently was recorded and mixed just three months before he died. This is one in a series of many Hendrix albums that will be coming out over the next DECADE. Yes, he made that much music. I could not be happier.

Grammy Post: Ga Ga Goo Goo (7 to 7:30)

2010-01-31T19:02:00.003-07:00

GRAMMYS 2010!

In the room: Phil, Jil, Gabe
Drink: Screwdriver
Cat: Wherabouts unknown.

OPENING: Lady GaGa, Elton John

She has a great voice, this Lady GaGa, no doubt about it. And Elton! We love Elton. Why does he look all burned and incinerated? Kind of goofy. The makeup is distracting and I can't concentrate on the actual tune. Gabe: "What's up with the one long earring?" Good question sir. I keep looking at the big black streak on GooGoo's face and yet, her voice is keeping me focused on the song. Well played, Miss GeeGee. Jil is still clapping for Elton.

I like Stephen Colbert but I don't find his schtick that funny. And a diss on Susan Boyle? He is mocking her and yet they clap. Kind of lame.

SONG OF THE YEAR: Single Ladies, Beyonce. Not too surprising I guess. It's sort of disturbing when my 12 year old is walking around the house singing, "whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, if you like it then you better put a ring on it". It is catchy. Nevertheless, disturbing.

And now Green Day is partnering with their Broadway cast, so, I don't know how I feel about this expect Billie Joe Armstrong writes some of the best melodies in rock. Sounds pretty good actually. So far the music has been very good and no stupid remarks. Which doesn't bode well for an interesting Grammys. We need some drunk people stat!!

BON JOVI ALERT! They are going to play a fan chosen song so pay attention people!

And now we're into the Country award for Best Album. I hope Willie Nelson's Stardust wins.

Oh. Taylor Swift won. How incredibly remarkable and unexpected. NOW KANYE, NOW!!! COME OUT NOW!!!!

Let's get real about Taylor Swift: her voice is not great. It's not even good. She is probably the nicest celebrity around and her songs are written well. She is not a singer, however.

BEYONCE: Now, this person can sing. Holy cow. I'm a fan of Beyonce, not like Jil is a fan, I don't go buy songs of hers, but I like what she does. She's the real deal. The soldiers walking around don't make any sense to me but they're gone now. I also really appreciate the all female backing band and that they are genuinely trying to rock out. And now, she is going to an old school Alanis tune! Love it! Way to go B!! I'm seriously getting chills right now listening to this performance and she is gyrating on the stage and that is also pretty rad.

My man crush on Tim Gunn

2010-01-25T09:39:00.004-07:00

We all need certain people in our life: we need the person who will always take you to a metal show when you are feeling down (Riley, Wyatt); we need the buddy you can golf with and share thoughts and feelings (Randy, Grant); we need someone to listen to you and be there for you when times get tough (Jackie, Shellie); we need that special person to go on trips with and share special male bonding moments (Wolf, Ryan Brooks); we need drinkin' buddies (Skid, Teen Teen, Annie, Martini, Joyce, hell, our whole family); we need the person who keeps you humble and reminds you where you come from and you still have work to do, but totally loves and accepts you no matter what (Voo, Mom); and we all, every one of us, needs a great dad (RIP Karlito).

We also, every one of us, needs a well dressed gay man in our lives.

Specifically, this man:

Tim Gunn, hero, gentleman, voice of reason

Mr. Gunn or Big Tim as I like to call him (not to be confused with Tim Riggins and I don't know if Tim is BIG in that area, I just like the sound of Big Tim. Get your minds out of the gutter), is the host of Project Runway. This show is a favorite of our family because it's mindless entertainment, you can judge people's taste and fashion sense, it's sometimes funny and the contestants are usually quirky but have good hearts and aren't out to kill someone or make the other contestants' lives miserable. The other host of this show is Heidi Klum and she is ok (Welcome to Pwoject Wunway!!!), her most admirable quality being that she married Seal and he is a stud. Anyway, back to Big Tim.

Tim gets the unenviable job of being The Mentor to these wanna-be designers. He coaches them through each task and gives them his advice. The most famous piece of advice and Tim's catchphrase is "Make it work", which is not that cool of a phrase but when Tim says it, you want to "Make It Work!". You see, Tim is that certain person in your life that always believes in your very best self. He wants to bring out the you that you aren't sure exists. Tim also has an unflagging sense of optimism. Even when he sees the worst garment imaginable made by the biggest train wreck of a person, he looks them right in the eye and says, "I believe in you, you have a big job ahead of you, but Make It Work. Go, go, go!" He then punctuates this saying with a little hand jab to emphasize that most problems in life can be usurped and overcome with some good old fashioned, hard work.

When he has to be harsh, he can be but it's never mean or demeaning. He is the father figure that these people probably never had. He only judges you on your output, not your philosophical life stance, and his only discernible goal is to help you be a world class designer and person. When the contestants get voted off the show and Heidi gives them the two cheek Euro kiss, Tim is backstage waiting to embrace them and tell them how much he loves them and that even though they now have to pack up their shit and skee-daddle, he will miss them terribly. It is tough love done the most brilliant way possible.

And the clothes: the bespoke suits that fit perfectly with windowpane patterns, and dark suits with checked shirts that match his ties perfectly; the elegant pointy toed shoes and the amazing winter coats, from pea coats to full length wool overcoats. His glasses are always funky but never goofy and his watches are top notch. If you walked out of the house every day looking like Tim Gunn, you would absolutely kick life's ass. No one could stand in your way and you would have angels showering you from above with rose petals as you walked down the street in your worsted wool, three button, $5,000 dollar Prada suit.

I just want to have his life for one week. I think it would all turn around for me if I could be Tim Gunn for a few days. God speed Big Tim, I will see you on the Wunway.

Greatest Week in Gabe's Life!!

2010-01-20T18:35:00.005-07:00

So, Gabe had the best week ever last week. I have to mention this because everything fell into place so perfectly and we planned none of it.

Essentially, Gabe met his idol, freeski sensation Tom Wallisch. Here is a pic of Tom:

It all started at the Jazz-Heat game on Monday night. I got some tickets from my work including tickets for the Jazz Sports Club. Basically, the Sports Club is a fancy place way up at the top of the arena where they have this huge buffet and you can go pork out right before the game. They even have beer!! For FREE!!! Gabe and I got to the Sports Club room about 20 minutes before the start of the game and I began hitting the buffet hard--cheese, crackers, salad, some lobster appetizer with a coconut glaze that tasted like heaven on a stick, and then I moved on to the Big Boy Meal--prime rib, rice, corn, biscuit, cheesecake and more beer.

Gabe had none of it.

He said, "See ya!" and made his way down to our seats. When I got there, we proceeded to watch an enjoyable game and the Jazz actually didn't suck too much. About three minutes before the halftime, this kid came out with some of the Jazz helpers and he used the slingshot thingy to shoot t-shirts into the crowd. When he was done, the announcer said, "That was Tom Wallisch, who will be at the Dew Tour at Snowbasin on Sunday. Give Tom a hand!" Gabe immediately looked at me and screamed (not making this up), "There's Tom!!!! We have to meet him!!! We have to find him!!!! TOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Let me back up a little bit here. Tom is the man responsible for turning Gabe back onto skiing. Gabe was all into snowboarding for the past three years, even getting new stuff last year, and trying his best to improve every year at this sport. He then saw this video of Tom on YouTube and it basically changed his life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob4gUwKhIu8

(Try to watch the full two minute clip--the guy is amazing).

Anyway, here we are, at halftime at the Jazz game and Tom has now disappeared into the crowd. Gabe is now hyper-ventilating and peppering me with questions like this: Where is he Phil? Where did he go? How can we find him? I have to meet him, how can we make this happen? Who do we need to talk to at this arena to find Tom? What should we do????

Um, get a beer?

We decided to go down to the other Sports Club room and get more FREE snacks and then wander up to our concourse again and, by lucky chance and the Beard of Zeus, perhaps, maybe, run into Tom Wallisch. This was a super long shot because the arena was almost full.

On our way up to our concourse, right as we go to the top of the stairs, we turned the corner and all of a sudden, Gabe gave out a squeal. I mean, a high pitched, girly girl squeal that is reserved only for those who follow Miley Cyrus and then suddenly run into Miley Cyrus. What do you know? There was TOM FREAKIN' WALLISCH! I'm pretty sure Gabe laid a sweet dookie right into his Jazz playoff boxers because he grabbed my hand and said, "Oh geez Phil, what should I do?" I told Gabe that we would just hang back for a sec, since Tom had three other people around him and we didn't want to be rude. One of the people next to Tom however, saw us hovering and poked him and said, "Tom, I think you have a fan."

Tom turned around and the guy could not have been cooler. He stuck out his hand and introduced himself, talked to Gabe, asked him what tricks he was working on and then let us take a photo of he and Gabe (the photo came out blurry and crappy unfortunately). The funniest part was watching Gabe. He stood like someone had stuck him with a pin--hands down to his sides, grinning and laughing weirdly, all nerved up and looking like this guy:

It was really funny and pretty cute.

FAST FORWARD TO THIS PAST SUNDAY:

Riley picked up Gabe and I and we headed to Snowbasin to watch Tom Wallisch in the Winter Dew Tour Slopestyle Freeski Finals. As we positioned ourselves right to the side of the run, watching the other competitors come down, Gabe noticed an older guy standing next to the run with a t-shirt that had Tom Wallisch's signature on it. Of course, being the kind of kid Gabe is, that is, not shy at all, he went up and introduced himself to...TOM WALLISCH'S DAD!! This guy was also super cool. He asked Gabe all kinds of questions. And, when I walked down to where they were standing, Gabe turned to me with a look that was the epitome of Mr. Smug Guy, pointed to this older dude and said, "Hey, Tom Wallisch's dad right here." Classic.

Here is Tom's winning run. If you pause it on the very final jump, we are standing just to the left of the run, there are only about ten of us there. The rest of the crowd was at the end of the run and on the other side:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyxT3FFYiho

Afterwards, Riley threw his buddy a pair of his goggles and had them signed by Tom for Gabe. THEN, Gabe waited for Tom to come out of the podium area where he was getting his first place award, and had Tom sign his hat and his phone.

As we walked back to the car, Gabe said, "That was pretty sick." Yes. Yes it was.

Golden Globes!

2010-01-17T18:06:00.041-07:00

I love Ricky Gervais, the host. If you haven't seen the original Office, Extras or his stand up special, check them out. Very clever guy. Anyway, he is the host tonight and so far, he's doing superb. And he's drinking a beer!!! How cool is this awards show? So much better than the Oscars. Drunk, plasticized celebs and a drunk host. Love it!

Yea John Lithgow! He just won Best Supporting Actor for playing the Trinity Killer on Dexter. If you missed this show or haven't started watching it, get busy. On of the best series ever. Lithgow was so good in this season's episodes and it culminated in one of the creepiest and most shocking season endings I've ever seen.

COOL MOVIE ALERT!!! By the way, one of the commercials at the break is for The Wolfman, the remake with Benecio del Toro and Anthony Hopkins. It looks freakin' awesome. I got chills watching it. I will be first in line on Feb. 12th when it opens. Hopefully it will be as cool as the Dracula remake in 1992 with Anthony Hopkins as well and Gary Oldman. One of the best remakes ever.

Yes, Michael C. Hall wins, another victory for Dexter!! Why is he wearing an idiotic looking skull cap on his head? He looks like he just underwent chemo, and if he did, I apologize right now for being insensitive. If he isn't going through chemo, he looks like a big fat goober. At any rate, this confirms how good the acting is on Dexter. Again, if you haven't gotten into it, go to Blockbuster or Netflix and get yerself educated.

Oh crap, I just Googled Michael C. Hall and he IS undergoing chemo for Hodgkins disease. Okaaay, I feel like a dick. Here is the official statement from Mr. Hall: "Dexter" star Michael C. Hall is undergoing treatment for cancer and the disease is in remission, a spokesman said. "I feel fortunate to have been diagnosed with an imminently treatable and curable condition, and I thank my doctors and nurses for their expertise and care," Hall, 38, said Wednesday in a statement.

The actor was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a cancer of the lymphatic system, which is part of the body's immune system. The disease is considered highly treatable with the potential for full recovery.

On with the show!!

So it's 7:03 and the show is now officially boring. That means, Beverage Time! And what is my beverage of choice for the Golden Globes? That would be a Guiness. Since the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is responsible for this show, I will go with a foreign beer. But more than that, Guiness, in my humble opinion, is the smoothest beer ever brewed. If you look closely at a Guiness as it is poured into a frosty glass (that you place into the freezer 30 minutes before you drink it), you get a lovely head on top. And you see a lovely display of black and tan intertwining until the tan makes its way just above the black and then you taste it so that some of the froth stays on your upper lip. HMMM, HMMM, DELICIOUS!

HELEN MIRREN ALERT!

Helen Mirren is now presenting one of the movies nominated for Best Picture. I'm looking at Helen Mirren and I feel ashamed. I think I would like to sleep with her. Is this wrong? I feel dirty. But she's hot.

This thing is really boring now, especially since I have randy thoughts of Helen Mirren going through my head. And now Drew Barrymore just won. Oh goody. However, her acceptance speech is kind of winning me over. Way to go Drew. A Hollywood survivor for sure.

Up in the Air just won a Screenplay award. This was my favorite movie of last year. The Wolf's (not the The Wolfman) favorite movie was Inglourious Basterds, which was my 2nd favorite movie of last year. Joyce aka Li'l Lois aka The Evil Sister's favorite movie from last year was The Hurt Locker, which is now out on DVD and which I will be watching this coming week.

SOPHIA LOREN ALERT!!

Wow! As Jil just said, she has had A LOT of work done. But she is still kind of hot and I kind of want to do her. I feel really dirty now. This is Sophia back in the day:

Best TV Series Drama--what will it be??? Dexter again??? Or Mad Men?? or Trueblood?? Or Big Love??

Mad Men wins!!! Great series. As Larry said, when you watch Mad Men, all you want to do is drink, smoke and fool around with the nearest secretary. Or Helen Mirren. Or a young Sophia Loren.

But hold on, Chloe Sevigny wins! She is Nicki on Big Love and she is also in a couple of other really cool and bizarre movies, like Boys Don't Cry and the Brown Bunny. The Brown Bunny is truly a weird movie. It was made by a guy who also made one of my favorite movies, Buffalo 66. And now, the dude who played The Jew Hunter in Inglouious Basterds just won for Best Supporting Actor. He was so good in this movie.

OK then.

Martin Scorcese is now given the Cecil B. DeMille award. My favorite would have to be either Taxi Driver or The Departed. Raging Bull a close second. Goodfellas is also right up there. Aw hell, all his stuff is good. Never did see the film he did about The Rolling Stones called Shine A Light. It looked good though.

Two beers in now...

This thing is not getting any more interesting. A quick rundown of the past two awards

James Cameron wins for Best Director for Avatar. Didn't see it. He sounds like kind of a D-Bag. But he's a genius because he made Terminator, which is a classic.
Glee wins Best New TV Series. Haven't seen much of it but love Jane Lynch. My favorite Jane Lynch movies are 40 Year Old Virgin and Role Models. And she is aces in Best in Show. She is pretty much awesome in any of her shows. But I don't want to sleep with her.

ALERT AT 8:36--THE HANGOVER WINS!!! Instant classic which should have won and did. I watched this again on a flight from South Carolina a few months back and laughed even harder the 2nd time. Favorite scene for me is when the guy from The Office sings the Doug Song. "Oh Doug, Doug, Dougy, Dougy, Doug."

Robert Downey Jr.

My favorite speech of the night and my favorite comeback of the past decade. He deserves every accolade he gets. He goes from being arrested, in rehab, arrested again, more rehab, a career debacle, then a resurgence and then that movie I didn't want to like but loved, Iron Man. And then we saw Sherlock Holmes over the weekend and he rocked in that. Way to go RD Jr.

****And now The Dude wins! This crappy show just got a whole lot better. This guy can do no wrong. Go back and watch The Fisher King and you will see him in one of the best roles of his already illustrious career. I haven't seen the movie he won for, Crazy Heart, but I now really want to see it. To quote The Dude again, "That rug really tied the room together."

Finally, the Best Movie of the Year and it is...

Avator. Whoop de effing do. Here is an image from Avatar to haunt your dreams:

Personal best and self control..it's fun!

2009-11-09T08:49:00.005-07:00

I received some email from a trainer at my work today. He encouraged all of the sales guys to read it and really apply it so we can become better, more skilled, more focused and eventually make more money. For whatever reason, my first reaction to this kind of positive reinforcement is to tear it down and critique it with my oh-so-cynical eye. Why? Because life doesn't work the way you think it will. Having a great mental attitude is absolutely critical in many areas but it has to be tempered with humor, flexibility and some acceptance of fate. Things DON'T go your way and often it takes time to really "turn the boat around" and get heading in the right direction, no matter what your mental health may be.

To fully understand what we're dealing with, here is the POSITIVE email that was sent my way. (And my favorite phrase is "I've tamed the beast inside").

THE ULTIMATE BATTLE- the battle for self-control

I KNOW I CAN: I am not a complainer, a criticizer, or faultfinder. I am a builder, not a destroyer. My trademark is a blend of realism and optimism. My eye is always fixed on success, on what can happen, and on what is possible- not on their opposites.

I CONTROL ME: Anger, frustration, and fear must be controlled, or they most certainly will control me. I have tamed the beast inside.

I AM ALWAYS RELAXED: I don’t avoid pressure because to me pressure doesn’t exist. Pressure is something that other people put on themselves. Being put to the test is not a threat. It’s simply another opportunity to explore the outer limits of my potential.

I AM ENERGIZED: I am capable of getting myself pumped up and energized for doing my best, no matter how I feel or how bad or meaningless the situation. I am my own igniter and can do so in spite of fatigue, personal problems, or bad luck.

I AM DETERMINED TO SUCCEED: I am relentless in the pursuit of my goals. Setbacks are taken in stride as I inch my way further forward, ever onward.

I AM FOCUSED: I am capable of long and intensive periods of total concentration. I am capable of tuning in what’s important and tuning out what’s not; whether there is nothing on the line or everything on the line.

I AM A WINNER: I display a nearly unshatterable sense of confidence and belief in myself and my ability to perform well. I never fall victim to my own or others’ self-defeating thoughts and ideas. As a consequence, I am not easily intimidated. On the contrary, because of my confident appearance, I often become the intimidator.

I AM RESPONSIBLE: I take full responsibility for my actions; there are no excuses. I either did or I did not. Ultimately, everything begins and ends with me, and I am comfortable with that. I am fully aware that my destiny is in my own hands. My future is my own.

I AM DRIVEN FROM WITHIN: I don’t need to be pushed, shoved, or coerced from outside forces. My direction comes from within. I am involved because I want to be.

As you all know, most of the above is bullshit. So, here is my own version of THE ULTIMATE BATTLE:

I KNOW I CAN...CONTROL THE DVR PLAYER

This is the greatest invention of mankind--the DVR. And the power to control what you watch, when you want to watch it is unprecedented. But with this great power comes great responsibility. You have to manage your recording carefully; otherwise, you may expect to watch Mad Men only to find out it was knocked out of your playlist because your son decided to double record Danny and the Dingo and Mad Men didn't record. This unimaginable horror can be rectified by diligently checking your recordings on a daily basis to make sure your show will make your Playlist.

I CONTOL ME...BUT FIBER PILLS HELP IMMENSELY

I have found after travelling far and wide the past two months that nothing helps control your daily regimen like a fiber pill. Salad helps but to really achieve that perfect blend of regularity and constancy, you have to supplement with a little thing I like to call, Philly's Poo Buddy. Oh yeah, fiber is the bomb. And I mean "BOMB!"

I AM ALWAYS RELAXED...AFTER SEX

'Nuff said.

I AM ENERGIZED...AFTER COFFEE

Also, 'nuff said.

I AM DETERMINED TO SUCCEED...AT MAKING THE PERFECT DRINK

Here is Costanza's recipe for the ultimate drink on a Saturday night. Everyone have their pencils? You buy a bottle of Boylan Soda Company's Orange Seltzer Soda and place it in the freezer for about 10 minutes. While it is in the freezer, you carefully choose your glass. It should be hefty and fit comfortably in your hand, but not too deep. We are looking for a nice drink, not a frat house drunken free-for-all. Volume of drink and mixing of this drink are critical. Once you have chosen your glass, fill it 2/3 of the way with CRUSHED ice. This is absolutely essential. Crushed ice allows for the alcohol, the juice and the lime to mix into all sorts of different crevices and icy areas that make this drink oh so yummy.

Now, grab your limes. You MUST buy organic limes from a health food store. Trust me, they taste completely different from a lime in the regular grocery store. Cut this lime into sensible wedges and grab one of the wedges. Now squeeze it gently over the ice, making sure the lime juice covers the top layer of ice. Place the remainder of the lime in the glass. Next stop: alcohol. Vodka, to be exact. Your preference of vodka is in your hands but make it at least the caliber of Stoli or Grey Goose. Anything less and you're just drinking to get drunk. That's not our goal here folks.

Grab your shot glass and fill it with vodka. Pour slowly over the ice and lime. It should now be settled comfortably at the bottom of the glass after enjoying it's journey cascading down over the icy sheets of lime infused goodness nestling resplendently in your glass. Thirsty yet?

OK, last stop: get the seltzer from the freezer. Open and pour until the soda is covering all of the ice. Put the bottle down and grab your favorite stirring mechanism. As you stir, don't cause a ruckus. Just move the items around lovingly together in the glass so they can get to know one another. Once this is done, let your drink sit for about 1-2 minutes. This allows for all the mixed parts to really fuse as one and it also allows you time to get on your favorite sipping clothes and choose your favorite place to enjoy this wonderful elixir.

You're welcome.

I AM FOCUSED.

Hell yeah I'm focused, didn't you just read the above paragraphs???

I AM A WINNER...AT CONSISTENTLY KICKING MY OWN ASS

Is it not true folks that we are our own worst enemies? Can any other person truly jack up our lives like we can? I submit that no one has the power to fully wreck their own life path like ourselves. No one can sublimely and truthfully f*** up every good thing that comes their way like yours truly. If I just stopped for one second and didn't try so hard to become perfect and wonderful and make every decision THE EXACT RIGHT ONE, I would be doing a lot better. Bottom line: get out of your own way.

I AM RESPONSIBLE...FOR MAKING GABE'S BREAKFAST

This is actually really difficult. He doesn't eat a lot of varied items. So, to mix up a bagel with some apples and almond butter, like I did this morning, borders on genius. When he leaves for school full and happy, I am happy.

I AM DRIVEN FROM WITHIN...TO CREATE THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN PARTY

This really is my only true goal in life. My ultimate Halloween/Evil Ball party consists of horse drawn carriages, a castle, large gargoyles, character actors serving drinks dressed as the Wolf Man, Frankenstein, Dracula, et al, and a gourmet buffet with an open bar. This is my goal and this is The Beast that I must not tame, but let loose and let it run wild. I know I can do it and with these rules as my guide, I will succeed.

Super Easy Halloween Quiz!

2009-10-24T07:58:00.009-06:00

These three students have been missing since 1994. Supposedly they are victims of a brutal crime tied to a legend around the town of Burkitsville, Marlyland. Which movie did they disappear from?

a. Three Dorks and a Baby
b. Three Geeks and a Website
c. Three Idiots and their GPS device that doesn't work
d. The Blair Witch Project

Answer: D. No matter what you may have heard about this movie, it is great. Go watch it.

The dapper gentleman above is walking around the streets of London. He has a very cool walking cane as well. On this walking cane there is an inscription. The inscription is:

a. Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
b. If this van is rockin', don't come knockin'!
c. Made in China
d. 'D' for Dracula

Answer: D. The 'D' is also part of a wolf's head that makes up the top of the cane. Also, Gary Oldman, who plays Dracula above, is famous for looking just like Costanza at a previous Evil Ball.

This werewolf is from which movie?

a. American Werewolf in Orem
b. American Werewolf in Manti
c. American Werewolf in Santa Fe
d. American Werewolf in London

Answer: D. Still one of the best werewolf/creature movies ever. Go watch it now.

THE BLOB

A remake of this movie is currently in the works. It will be done by Rob Zombie. The title of this movie is tentatively called:

a. Blob in Your Pants = Pantload
b. Blob for Apples
c. Blobby Brown and Whitney
d. The Blob

Answer: D. Zombie did a decent job of remaking the Halloween movies so this remake may be pretty cool.

The guy being impaled by a wagon wheel above was also in a series of movies recently based on a very popular fantasy book series. The movie series was:

a. Dragonslayer Kicks Bilbo's Ass
b. Gandalf the Gay
c. Sauron Sucks
d. Lord of the Rings

Answer: D. Christoper Lee, also famous for being in a gazillion horror movies, played the evil wizard Saruman.

A movie studio in England in the 60's and 70's put out about 200 different horror movies. The name of this studio is the name of a tool. The name is:

a. Screwdriver Films
b. Drill Press Studio
c. Electric Saw Movies
d. Hammer Studios

Answer: D. Hammer made some really bad movies but a few, like 5%, were pretty good. Evil of Frankenstein and Brides of Dracula are both good. Go watch them now.

The above scene is a very typical scene from a marriage. The husband and wife pictured are fighting about something (if you are married, you should answer this immediately). What are they fighting about?

a. Money
b. Family issues
c. Sex
d. Lack of attention
e. Communication issues
f. Someone snoring
g. Lack of sex
h. Control issues
i. Safe words during sex
j. Friends of their spouses that they hate
k. Kid problems
l. Things one of them won't do behind closed doors

Answer: All of the above. They're married, what do you expect?

The guy holding the chainsaw, Leatherface, does some serious running in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Who is he chasing?

a. His state senator because he wants to discuss a public option for upcoming health care reform.
b. His broker because his 401K is f***ed.
c. His current boss because he just got demoted.
d. Some stupid actress who eventually gets chainsawed.

Answer: D. But all of the above would work.

The dude on the trike is the main character for which movie franchise?

a. Dykes on Trikes
b. Clowns about Town
c. Chucky's Play Date
d. Saw

Answer: Saw of course. Go see the first one or the fourth one. They are creepy and cool.

Igor above is played by Marty Feldman. He is famous for his big...

a. Hands
b. Feet
c. Eyes
d. Cajones

Answer: C. Here is my favorite line from him in Young Frankenstein: "Ah, this reminds me of my dear old dad. The things he used to say to me." Dr. Frankenstein then asks him, 'What did he say?' Igor replies, "What are you doing in the bathroom all day? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"

In order to keep the Wolf Man's hair in place, the producers of this classic film used:

a. Butch Wax
b. Clear lacquer
c. Pommade
d. Super strong hair spray

Answer: None of the above. It was a wig.

Happy Halloween everyone! Evil Ball Six will appear next year--thank you for your patience during the Evil Ball's absence. Your wait will be rewarded.

Costumes, Tea and Curry

2009-10-07T10:56:00.010-06:00

Dad, I want to get my Halloween costume today. Not tomorrow, not next week, today.

Um, ok. Why is today so important?

Well, I just feel that I need to have it and since I know what I want, why wait?

Why wait indeed. We can do that. Let me get my shoes on.

The weather outside is cold and wet but fall is in the air and that makes me pretty happy. I have a slight cough and my head is pounding but I figure that some green tea, some ibuprofen and some walking around Halloween Town will all contribute to me feeling better. Plus, I've been gone a lot and he needs to hang out with me. He has things to discuss. I can tell because he has that look of 'Hey, let's get out, you and me, and converse.' Getting a costume seems to be secondary.

Can I put in my iPod?

Sure. What are we going to listen to?

Oh, some sweet sounds, just you wait. (Fumbles around with iPod, finally gets it hooked up, now searching for song. Finds the desired track and plays it.)

(singing along) 'Hopped up out the bed/Turn my swag on/Took a look in the mirror/Said, What's up/Yeah/Get money/Oh.' (he continues to sing along to easily one of the dumbest songs on the planet but for the life of me, I can't get it out of my head).

As this plays in the background, we proceed to our first stop: Cafe Expresso. These are the best drive thru coffee places in SLC and I even have a punch card. I get green tea with honey and cream and we are off.

Why didn't you get coffee? I never see you get tea. I'm sorry you're sick. You don't sound good. I wish you felt better.

Thanks buddy, I wish I felt better too. But the tea soothes my throat and it doesn't have caffeine.

We arrive at Halloween Town and the doors are propped open, the rain is falling, the mist is swirling in the parking lot and it seems to me that the perfect time to get a Halloween costume is right--about---now. We enter and both of us start smiling.

Holy crap, look at that guy on the floor. Are those his guts hanging out? Gross. Kinda cool though. We should get one of those. Come on, let's go to the kids section.

Ok, sounds good.

The costume he wants is Michael Myers, from the Halloween movies. It's a jumpsuit, a mask and a knife. It is a serial killer costume that comes in two kids sizes: 7-10 yrs old and 11-14 yrs. old. You may be asking yourself, is this an appropriate costume for a kid? A serial killer? Really? My argument is it is the perfect costume for a kid. Why? Because the chances he will grow up and be a serial killer are like a billion to one. So, let him become a fake one for a season and then we can move on. Also, he does look really cute in the jumpsuit, the mask and the huge knife. Kind of absurd, really. It totally cracks me up. But it's not bloody enough.

Dad, we need blood. I want more blood on the suit and on the mask. That makes it more realistic. It looks kind of dumb without the blood.

I agree. Let us find blood.

Chrystal is our Halloween Town helper. She is very chatty and is very open to telling me what she is going to be for Halloween. She is going to wear a maid costume from the Playboy Costume Collection and then a very scary mask to kind of offset the whole fun, innocent maid thing. She is also planning to brandish a fake knife and the two of us have a very detailed conversation on the kind of knife that would work best for about three to four minutes. She is very passionate about her costume and I am very glad she works at Halloween Town. People like Chrystal give me hope for humanity. She also leads us to blood.

I like this kind. I wonder if this would work? (New employee comes over and gives advice).

No, you don't want that kind. It is very sticky and the spray mechanism jams. You need the splatter blood in the vial and it's over here. (Takes us to vial of fake blood). This is what will be most realistic.

Dad, can we get this kind?

Absolutely, we need to get as realistic as possible. Ring 'er up!

As we pull away from Halloween Town, in the glow of a very successful and enjoyable costume buying experience, I file away an idea I have for a costume store sometime in the future. It could be a great idea but I need to let it marinate.

Ok, my headache is gone, my tea is gone and I need food. You choose, anywhere you'd like to go.

I don't know...you choose, I want you to decide. OH! Noodles and Company. It's right over there, let's go there!

Fine.

As we sit down with our Bangkok Curry with Shrimp (me) and our Buttery Noodles (him), we share whatever comes to mind. This usually involves an array of subjects but today the topics are skateboarding, his brothers Anthony and Matteo, and his lack of short term memory.

You know, my mom asks me to do stuff and I forget. Like, I just go blank. I can watch her mouth move and I hear the sounds but I don't remember a thing she says. Maybe it's my ADHD. You know, I don't have to take my pill on the weekends so that means I am not as focused and I probably am more likely to forget.

You're not alone in that department my man. Everyone has trouble remembering. Can I give you some advice?

Sure.

Write it down. When she asks you to do specific things, write them down and carry the list with you. I do that. Then just refer to your list and go from there.

I do that sometimes. But then I leave the list in my pants pocket or in my backpack. In fact, she asked me to do something today...crap, I can't remember. Should have written it down.

It will probably come to you. Don't stress over it.

Finally, we finish our afternoon with yogurt from Lunaberry, a very nice little yogurt and crepe shop that is quite busy on a rainy Sunday afternoon. He gets vanilla with gummy bears and I get vanilla with cookie dough. We proceed to head back home.

Dad, why do you have to leave again? I hate it when you leave. It sucks.

I pull out my money clip and show it to him. For the first time in a year, it has more than $10 dollars in it.

This is the only reason pal: Get money. I don't like to leave either. But it makes being home a lot more enjoyable when you can buy the costume you want and get the bloody knife you want and not have to worry about how much it costs. Isn't that worth being apart for a little while?

He looks down and looks into his Halloween Town bag and then looks back at me.

I don't know. Maybe.

Goodbye DTM (Don't Touch Me)

2009-09-27T18:06:00.006-06:00

I got a slight promotion at work this week which is good news. I also will not be working with Don't Touch Me anymore which is also fairly good news. But, I can't help but think of the good times and great moments we shared over the past six weeks. I wanted to send him off with one last letter. So...

Dear Don't Touch Me,

As you know, I am not going to be working with you anymore. It's sad. I know you're hurting and feeling vulnerable but don't worry--you'll find someone new to bless shortly and all will be right in your world. Until that happens, here are some of my favorite moments from our time together.

Remember the very first time we met at the airport? You said hi and walked right by and didn't say anything else to me until we reached Canada? Remember how much fun that was? I didn't know you and figured you might be shy so I let it pass. We then drove three hours together and had brief blasts of conversation but we were still trying to figure each other out. The one thing that I do recall is when I asked you if you had any pet peeves that I could avoid. You paused, looked me full in the face and said,

"Yes, just one. DON'T. TOUCH. ME. EVER."

That was so cool. I felt very close to you at that moment because I was starting to really understand how you operated. Ok, don't touch, hey I get it. No problemo compadre. I can hang with that. You don't like to have any human contact. Got it.

And then, we stayed in that really crappy motel in Medicine Hat, Alberta and you would get up in the middle of the night and pee and not close the door and it was super loud. Oh, and you kept the TV on and typed on your laptop extra loud very late into the night because you couldn't sleep and didn't give a shit if anyone else did either. I felt like we bonded at that moment.

How about when you almost drove away without me when we were staying in Calgary because I wasn't in front of the hotel at 9:30am? I was in the breakfast area having breakfast but was unaware of when we were supposed to leave. You didn't tell me, see, so how could I have known? But you went ahead and told me how slow I was and grilled me on why I wasn't ready. And then remember when I told you to kiss my ass? That was cool. At least that broke down a little bit of your resistance to our budding relationship and you said, "Wow, I've never been rebuked like that before." Oh, and nice use of the word 'rebuke'. A solid Old Testament word if there ever was one.

Our next trip was Seattle and you were such a prankster. You turned the shower head outward so when I turned on the water, it sprayed all over me as I stood there in my sweats and t-shirt. That was funny. And you hid the towels. And you put random things in my briefcase like garbage scraps, paper wrappers, candy wrappers, etc. One thing that I loved about this trip was how you kept turning the wheel back and forth as you drove and also stomped on the brake and then hit the gas just to see how badly you could annoy me. I loved that. You scamp!

Connecticut was when you took pictures of your potty visits and sent them to me in text messages. And you berated me for how I put up the screen, the projector, placed sales pamphlets on the table and how I packed everything away the wrong way. Seriously, you were just bringing the charm and the good feelings really flowed. You also woke up at 6am this trip and yelled really loudly and I woke up totally panicking, thinking something was wrong, but no, it was just you being you. Crazy guy!

Finally, this last week, you came around. You actually let me play my iPod in the meeting room, you kind of closed the door during pee pee time and you sort of listened a little bit better when we had a conversation. Your A.D.D. was not too bad and your secret habit of smoking on the road, that you keep from your very religiously faithful wife who would easily have a stroke if she knew, was kind of quaint and endearing. You actually bought me lunch one day. I think you might miss me DTM.

I will miss you, that is for sure. Oh and one other thing Don't Touch Me:

Fuck you.

Love and hugs,

Costanza.

Life + Music = Soundtrack to your own movie

2009-09-21T00:39:00.004-06:00

As you might have heard, I had an accident. But this post is not about that. All of you have heard way too much about it. Except Curt. I think he wants me to tell him again. Anyway, this is about what happened when I shared my accident with family members, one of which was Annie Griffin, and what she asked me. As I described the moment when my bike hit the truck and that I was listening to my iPod Shuffle (great product, by the way), and that my headphones remained in my ears as I was lying on my back, staring up at the sky wondering what I had broken (nothing, as it turns out), Annie asked me:

"What song were you listening to?"

A fantastic question. Because this could have been, and may still be, a life changing event and I had a soundtrack going as it occurred. At the moment of impact, I was listening to The Chemical Brothers, "The Drugs Won't Help You Know". Not my favorite Chemical Brothers song (my favorite is song #1 in this posts' Playlist, so you have an idea of what they sound like), but it now has the distinct place in my personal history of being 'the-song-that-was-playing-when-the-truck-turned-in-front-of-me-and-I-ran-into-it.' It got me thinking of other life events and the soundtrack that was playing as those events unfolded.

Life Event: Leaving the courthouse in Dallas after the judge declared my divorce was finally legal.

This was a bad moment for me. For 18 months, I had been thinking of this day and kind of looking forward to it and yet when it happened, I had the saddest and heaviest soul that I can remember having. It has to do with something dying. Something going away that at one time, however briefly, meant a great deal to me. And the years of trying to make it work and trying to change and be someone different so I could say I made my marriage work. But it didn't work. And it had to end.

So I ended it. The song accompanying my drive away from the courthouse that day was Bad Company's, "Can't Get Enough" (song #2 in Playlist). I drove my stupid gold Ford Ranger down a stupid Dallas freeway and bawled my eyes out while I listened to one of the great rock riffs of all time.

Life Event: The night I knew Jil and I had a future.

We were driving south on 800 East in Orem, early 2002. Probably going to Mom and Dad's but not sure about the destination. One of the things I like to do early on in my relationships with women is play music for them that may potentially scare them away. This tactic has two tremendous benefits: first, if they hate the music then you have to decide if you like them enough, right at that moment, to keep moving things forward or just shut it down; second, if they like the music, you may have a keeper. One of the best bands that can really put your potential gal pal on the spot is none other than Devo. If they can hang with Devo, they can hang period.

I didn't hesitate and I didn't warn her. I threw in "Through Being Cool" (#3 on the Playlist) and let it fly. And you know what Jilly did? She sang the whole freakin' song.

Life Event: Graduation night from Orem High School

1986. The scene was the gym at the soon to be demolished Orem High and it was time for the classic slow dance. The song that came on was Alphaville's "Forever Young", a perfect slice of over-emotive and synth happy 80's pop cheese (#4). At that point I had my whole life in front of me and it was full of possibility; I had no worries and I had everything to look forward to and I was not jaded, cynical or angry in the least. The melody of this song still holds all those things for me.

Life Event: Going to my first concert

The first concert I ever attended that meant something was Ozzy Osbourne. (Sorry Beach Boys-even though I saw you in 5th grade and had a blast, it was not my first official rock show). I was 12 years old. I remember asking Mom right around the 8th North exit in Orem if I could go to this show with Tim Chatterly, Steve Hazelett and Keith Beeston. I don't remember the magical combination of words I used to Jedi-mind trick her into agreeing to let me go, but she said yes.

The day of the show I went skiing and I was wearing gray ski bibs. On the mountain that day they had ski school for many of the elementary schools in the area and the parking lot was full of buses. It took forever to get home and when I finally did, all three of my buddies were sitting in Steve's brown Plymouth waiting anxiously for me so we wouldn't be late. I didn't have time to change and jumped right from Dad's truck, bibs and all, into the back seat and we tore off to SLC for Ozzy. On the way, we played "Over the Mountain" (#5) again and again to get psyched for the show. And did Ozzy deliver. Every show since has had to compete against that one. But man, I was really hot. Those were some quality ski bibs.

Life Event: Bonding with Gabe

Being a stepdad is very, very strange. I will save my stepdad philosophies for another post but the first hurdle (one of many) that has to be overcome is getting the kid to like you. If you like the lady, you need her kid to like you or you have no shot. There is no bond greater than single mother and son. The mama lion will do anything to protect the cub and if you think you are different than any other dude just because you're sleeping together, you are sorely mistaken. Ultimately, the child is father to the relationship.

My first encounters with Gabe were fine--not bad but not great. After a few meetings and hanging around Jil's house, I remember gaining enough trust that Jill would allow Gabe and I to go somewhere in my truck together. This happened more and more frequently and every time we would listen to music. He would ask me to repeat certain songs that he liked and he would sing along with the ones he really enjoyed. After about a year of dating Jil (and Gabe), I discovered a band called Blackalicious and their CD, Blazing Arrow. I had now moved into an apartment in Salt Lake and Jil and I were seeing each other on a daily basis. Gabe was my buddy and were were getting closer but my paternal feelings had not really kicked in yet. One day I played the Blazing Arrow CD for Gabe. From that point until now, Gabe says that is the CD that first gave him feelings of really seeing our threesome as being a family unit. That CD has been the soundtrack of our relationship together year in and year out. When Gabe was in L.A. this summer and got homesick, he played Blazing Arrow and said it immediately made him feel better. Our favorite track is #6, "Make You Feel That Way".

Life Event: Traveling to Palm Springs with Karl and his golf team

How in the world Dad was able to get me and his players on six or seven of the nicest golf courses in Palm Springs, for free, is beyond me. I know he had the connections but the more I think about it and the older I get, the more I appreciate and marvel at Karl's ability to swing the seemingly impossible. These trips were an absolute blast and gave me invaluable time to spend with his golfers and with him. I would take my music on these excursions and as we passed through Vegas and eventually got to the desert of south central California, I had a couple of songs that I had to play each and every year. One of those was The Tubes "Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman" (#7). To this day I have no idea why that song was the one I had to hear as we pulled into Palm Springs but it made an impression and still takes me to that time and place whenever I hear it.

Life Event: Finally leaving Texas for good

This is the last one in this post and it's a nice bookend to the life event of finalizing my divorce. Upon deciding to return to Utah, and after finding Hank the cat in my apartment in Plano and bonding with him, and after breaking up with my girlfriend in Texas, and having no work prospects and no desire to pursue any, I knew it was time to head home. I had some buddies from work come over and help me put my furniture in the rented U Haul; I had my ex-girlfriend come over and I gave her back all the stuff she gave me and when she said she'd like my number in Utah so she could call me I said no; I bought a small cat cage for Hank to ride in but he eventually wouldn't go in it so he rode on my lap most of the way on that trip; and the song that played as I pulled out of Plano and started a new chapter in my life was "Sunshine" by Alice in Chains (#8). I think my favorite line in this song is "Suck it one more time."

Ah yes, the soundtrack of our lives...

FAMILY AND FRIENDS QUIZ PART 2!!

2009-08-22T09:03:00.006-06:00

Shellie T.

This is the Sister from the Great White Northwest. She came down in July for the Manti festivities and then proceeded on to Cedar City a week later, with Joanne, to take in the Shakespearean Festival. She got a little drunk and heckled the actors from the stage. Joanne was kind of embarassed but eventually got into it. What did Mother and Daughter shout from the audience in their inebriated state?

a. Nice tights! Looks like you got a roll of dimes in there!
b. Wow, I just love how you are emoting all over the place.
c. You ever see Dead Ophelia? She ruled and you suck!
d. My husband knows more about this stuff than you can even imagine! Amateur!!

ANSWER: No one knows what was said but they were escorted from the premises so I'm going with a.

Grant, Monet, Wolf and Wyatt

Larry just finished Leadville 2009 and he is celebrating with his family. He is also wearing a medal. What does this medal have inscribed on it?

a. Good job Wolf, please come back next year and buy more stuff to help our struggling Leadville economy.
b. Good job Chrome Knees, we knew you'd be back for more suffering.
c. Here's your damn medal, now get the hell out of our sleepy town so we can have some peace.
d. You made it under 12 hours.

ANSWER: All of the above. They can fit a lot of writing on those small medals.

Chloe and Monet

Monet is wearing a custom shirt to help cheer on her Grandpa and Uncle. She wore it reluctantly because what she really wanted written on the back was:

a. I have to come back here every year for how long? You've got to be kidding me.
b. Colorado sucks.
c. Go Lance!! Contador is an idiot!!
d. I went to Leadville and all I got was bad formula, a poopy diaper and crazy people waking up at 4:30am to ride their stupid bikes.

ANSWER: d. Monet is very bitter over the feud between Lance and Alberto. She wants revenge and she will have her revenge next year--Radio Shack 2010 baby!!

Riley in a bad way

What is going through Riley's head right now?

a. Wow, that Egg McMuffin was really a dumb decision.
b. Maybe I don't have to do everything that my father suggests. Maybe I can resist the Puppet Master. I have to try, don't I?
c. Who am I and what do I stand for?
d. Um, I need a PortaPotty, stat!!

ANSWER: Mostly d. However, a through c could also apply. He had a tough day in Leadville but finished. Good job nephew.

The Costanza Suite

This little contraption was built by Uncle Voo for the Tiny Terrors and was also conveniently nicknamed the Costanza Suite, so I could have a place to lay my weary head after six hours of mtn. bike torture courtesy of the Puppet Master. What other names could this hut be called?

a. The Dan I-broke-a-deck-chair Ross Punishment Center
b. The itinerant home of Gator, Bobo, Oil Can, Newbee and Spike
c. The Marconi Mansion, whenever he gets up there again
d. The Joanne and Joyce "Share a Secret" Sleepaway

ANSWER: All of the above. If I'm not sleeping in it and if the Tiny Terrors aren't sleeping in it, it's up for grabs.

Kate Ross

This is Kate and she is currently pursuing an advanced degree. What does she plan to do with this degree once it is obtained?

a. Take over the world.
b. Manage Isabel's singing career.
c. Hang it on the wall of her classroom and walk over to it occasionally, and in the voice of Gollum, repeat over and over, "My precious! My precious...".
d. Become a Principal and use her mighty powers for good.

ANSWER: d. But with a little bit of c thrown in.

Lane, Maddie, AJ

These three youngsters are seen here spending some quality time in Zion with their family. Just prior to this photo, what was going on with their vacation?

a. Robyn and Andy told the kids to go play in the pool because they needed adult "nap time".
b. Joyce brought wine out to the pool, spilled it, caused a scene and eventually fell into the hot tub.
c. Aunt Kristeen was seen over in the corner of the pool area with a rolled up dollar bill and some white powder around her nose. When AJ asked her about it, she said, "The powdered donuts here in Zion are awesome! I just can't get enough!"
d. Lane took a strategic dump in the kiddie pool.

ANSWER: c. Of course, Kristeen can't remember any of this happening.

Brett, Jack, Sarah, Jackie and Curt

What is Curt thinking about in this picture?

a. Was it the blue pill or the red pill? Can't remember which is the upper or the downer...
b. I wonder if Neil Young would like me?
c. I hate small, mini, single bucket, tractor-type loaders.
d. Why am I slicing my 3 wood? Why, Golf Gods, why?

ANSWER: All of the above. The Philospher Genius as a lot going on in his noggin.

Newbee, Voo, assorted fish

These guys were having a serious discussion while they caught these fish. What were they talking about?

a. Newbee was asking Voo if he liked him.
b. Voo was telling Newbee the difference between German tanks and Polish tanks and Newbee was trying to stay awake.
c. Newbee kept yelling, "Roid Sox! Roid Sox!" just to piss Voo off.
d. They were talking trash about Oil Can's waders and how gay they looked.

ANSWER: a. Newbee needs a lot of friend validation.

Teen Teen, Polly and Joyce

This photo was taken in a rare moment when all three of these women were in a good mood. After this picture, they started to fight. What kinds of names did they call each other?

a. Joyce said to Polly, "I can't believe you came from me you Georgia O'Keefe wannabe!"
b. Polly said to Joyce, "Thanks for being there Joan Crawford!"
c. Kristeen said, crying and wiping her nose and sniffing a lot, "Can't we all just get along?"
d. Polly said to Kristeen, "Grow a pair Leaf Eater! And put on some big girl panties while you're at it!"

ANSWER: Unsure. They all have a lot of issues to work out.

Voo and Wolf

Voo is bored and Wolf is happy. Enough said.

NEW QUIZ: FAMILY and FRIENDS EDITION!!

2009-08-20T10:38:00.005-06:00

Holy crap I'm happy!

Annie just got something from Randy and then they snapped this photo. What did she receive?

a. She just got news that the bar was serving 2 for 1 drinks.
b. Randy just told her he had a vasectomy.
c. He gave her a huge diamond ring.
d. He told her they were going to move to Fiji and train dolphins (editors note: don't do this kids, it only ends in tears and divorce).

ANSWER: C. Go see the ring Randy gave Annie for their Anniversary on their blog. It's huge.

Wyatt and Lyndsey

Lyndsey has been going to school over the past year and is now working in a certain medical field. What is she currently doing and how does this affect Wyatt?

a. She is a dental assistant and this in no way affects Wyatt's life of working 10 hours a week, sleeping in, going to rock shows, moving apartments every four weeks and mooching off of Riley.
b. She is a brain surgeon and has been practicing on Wyatt. If you talk to him you probably can't tell the difference.
c. She is now a massage therapist and Wyatt is getting free massages, another perk of having the Life of Jimmy.
d. She is a nail technician and this has affected Wyatt's life negatively because she is always prying his hands off of his beers to give him manicures.

ANSWER: a. Good job Lyndsey on moving into the dentistry field! Go talk to our cousin Brett for some good drug tips.

Becky, Monet, Jackie and Jack

The two ladies above are new Grandmas. When asked if they would like to have another baby and be a Mom again, what did they say?

a. Get that thing away from me before I cut it off!!
b. Drugs are gooooooooood!
c. Over my dead ovaries!!
d. Go to hell Costanza, we're enjoying our time as Grandmothers.

ANSWER: all of the above.

Hayley, Grant, Annie

This is Milo at a recent family function. He mostly resembles:

a. A returning missionary at his homecoming party.
b. A new missionary at his farewell party.
c. A Jehovah's Witness with two new recruits.
d. A Scientologist with mind controlling powers.

ANSWER: a. He looks wise enough to have been on a mission but just naive enough to have no clue what the world holds for him.

Dan Ross and Karl Tucker

These two guys are in the middle of an intense discussion. What are they talking about?

a. Karl is telling Dan to "Just go play."
b. Dan is trying to follow Karl as he name drops half of Utah County and expects Dan to know who the Assistant Principal's brother in law of Provo High is.
c. Karl is making sure Dan knows how serious it is when Dan grabs Karl's oxygen tube, bends it and cuts off the oxygen supply "just for fun".
d. Dan just asked Karl for directions to the bathroom in Hayley and Grant's house and Karl sees it as a perfect teaching moment.

ANSWER: Who the hell knows what these dudes were yammering about.

Gabe and Anthony

Gabe and Anthony have a new brother named Matteo. What does this name mean in Italian?

a. Pass the linguini dammit!
b. I'm somehow related to Marconi and pissed about it.
c. Roman God of Thunder
d. My relatives in Sicily made mats for a living.

ANSWER: Who the hell knows what Matteo means? He's a good baby and happy to be a part of the extended family.

Gabe practicing.

Gabe was completely infatuated with rollerblading in June. What is his level of interest in this activity now (August 20)?

a. He is practicing daily and will soon begin training for the 2018 Summer Olympics.
b. He uses his blades as a mode of transportation to get ice from the 7-11 for Costanza's adult beverages.
c. He deftly rotates this activity with his other summer activities: biking, boarding, golfing and swimming.
d. He wore them twice and has no further interest in this sport.

ANSWER: d. That one was too easy.

Mystery finger.

The above finger belongs to someone in Jil's family who also just messed up her knee while running. Who is it and what will most likely be her next accident?

a. This is Gina and she will next sprain her wrist pouring herself a glass of wine.
b. This is Irene and she will sprain her middle finger of her other hand as she gives Evans Gate House the finger while she leaves to pursue another job (way to go Irene!).
c. This is Kris and she will chip her tooth trying to open a beer without an opener.
d. This is McKenna and she will develop narcolepsy in school this year.

ANSWER: It's Kris and we hope she feels better soon! Oh, and use an opener.

Ice Cream Man

This is Costanza holding a lucious ice cream from Baskin Robbins. What does he also wish he was holding?

a. Jil's hand because she is the light of his life.
b. His Mommy's hand because she is the light of his life.
c. One of his siblings hands' because they are the lights of his life.
d. A Jack and Coke because it does the trick every time.

ANSWER: d. That was also too easy.

Canada Wrap Up: Yee-Hah, I'm going home!!!

2009-08-16T12:25:00.002-06:00

Wow, I really don't think I've been this excited to get back from a trip as this one. I mean, I barely got any sleep last night because I was so pumped to fly out of Canada, away from my insane and inane roommate and just be back in good ol' SLC for a while. I won't go so far as to say I hated the guy I had to work and hang out with, but I will say that he is not making my Halloween party list.

Below are some of the various things he did to constantly annoy and bug me:

Farted all the time.
Burped all the time.
Made loud noises and yelled at random moments just to see my reaction.
Bossed me around until I told him to kiss my ass.
When driving, he would press on the gas, then the brake, then the gas just to get a rise out of me and just to generally be a complete idiot.
Staying up until 1am every night, on his computer, which in turn kept me up until 1am.
Did not tell me when he wanted to leave in the morning until I was in the middle of breakfast and then he said we had to go.
Did goofy dances when he listened to his iPod that made me uncomfortable.
Went to the bathroom with the door open.
Left towels all over the bathroom floor.

There are a bunch of other things he did that I could go on about but suffice it to say, he sucked. However, believe it or not, he is good at sales and our team did really well.

That's enough about that jackass.

Canada: my impressions of this country are twofold.
1. The people are very sheep-like. Since they've been in a country that has told them what to do for so long, they do exactly what you tell them to do. It's pretty cool. They are also very surprised when you try to make friendly small talk. They look like someone just nudged them awake in the middle of a movie. They are surprised and then eventually delighted that you decided to speak to them. Very strange folk but very nice.
2. No national identity. I mean, name some Canadian food. Name a good Canadian band (except Neil Young, he is technically a solo artist and his band mates came from either the U.S. or U.K. Oh, and Rush, because I still like them even though they are the geekiest band ever). Name a good Canadian movie. The only one I can think of is Strange Brew with Bob and Doug Mackenzie. Name a national figure from Canada (except again, Mike Weir and maybe Wanye Gretzky, but that's not very many). I couldn't get a handle on what gives Canada its uniqueness. From what I could see, it wants to continue to be the U.S's baby brother. Oh well.

Lastly, I had some breakfast at Oasis Cafe this morning on the way home from the airport and the coffee was exceptional. As it should be.

Day 4 in the Great White North

2009-08-13T22:45:00.002-06:00

First of all, thank you Japan, thank you Thailand: we've had sushi and Thai cuisine the past two nights and both meals were excellent. And, good coffee today so Canada is not as lame today as it was yesterday. However, it is rainy and wintry cold outside which does not bode well for the weekend. We had planned to drive the 120 miles to Banff on Sat. afternoon but if the weather is bad, it is a matinee in Canada. Which sounds incredibly sad.

I am on my mission again, that is for sure. I live with my sales manager/companion all day, every day; we eat together, sleep in the same room, drive in the same car, work the same room and basically never leave each other's side. If I am getting on his nerves like he is getting on mine, this relationship may blossom into a full blown hate-affair by the time our plane leaves Sunday morning.

Anyway, this trip is getting really old really fast and I can't wait to get back home. Will I miss Canada? No. I will not miss anything about this country. It is lame and turning me into a sour angry person.

Canada Day 3: Calgary

2009-08-12T15:42:00.002-06:00

We are now in Calgary which is a relief but still no relief from the flies. They are everywhere. The food has not gotten any better today and the coffee is still poor. However, our hotel is much nicer and since I'll be staying here for the next five days, that is good news.

The crowd at our lunch event today was unusual to say the least. Let me sum it up with this: how many Jewish Cowgirls do you know? I know one now and her name, her Jewish name, is Sarhah. She wore a huge cowboy hat and a large Jewish star pendant to the workshop today. However, she left early so I didn't get to experience the full weirdness that her persona promised. Instead I got the weirdness of Owen and his mother who kept talking to us even 30 minutes after the workshop ended. About strange Canadian stamps that you can purchase on the post office. That was awkward.

Not too sure yet about this experience here in Canada. I wake up depressed and go to bed depressed but the days seem ok. Every day is another dollar in the bank which is the cut and dried, cold hard fact.

We are going to sushi tonight and we'll see if that is any better on the food front. In the meantime, it's off to shake hands with more Canadians. They are nice folk and very proper. Still trying to find out how best to connect with them.

I've heard Canadian weed is good.

O Canada! Day 2: Flies in my enchiladas

2009-08-11T15:49:00.003-06:00

Alright Great White North country, what the hell is up with all the freakin' flies??? Seriously, I have been waving my hands in front of my face for 48 straight hours. I look like an idiot walking around with my hand flapping back and forth past my nose and head to get rid of the flies. I go to the convenience store across the street from the hotel and there are flies buzzing around. We walk into our climate controlled ballroom to set up our workshop and there is a fly cruising about (and that would be the Canada 'about' which is pronounced, "uh-boot"). I walk into the hotel room and flies appear. We just finished lunch at a Mexican restaurant and I spent half of the time trying to shoo away a fly. And just right now, in the lobby of our hotel, a fly landed on my keyboard.

Now, this little fly predicament paired up with the bad food is making Costanza very unhappy and grumpy. So grumpy in fact that as my companion, er, sales buddy and I drove from Medicine Hat, Alberta to Lethbridge, Alberta (about a 90 min. drive), I sat in the front seat and hardly said a work because I was totally pissed off about the lame coffee. I even tried another place on our way as we stopped for gas and the coffee was horrible. And the radio stations are crappy and the only song I remember them playing this morning on five different stations was a Nirvana song.

Canada, in other words, is making me into a super high maintenance, whiny little turd. To top it all off, I feel like I've just been dumped right back into my mission in South Africa. We even had a conference call at 8am today, just like we used to do back in the mission field. And I live with another guy practically 24/7 and that is also working on my last nerve, even though he is really a pretty cool guy. Not sure what he thinks of me but I can only guess.

As for the people here in Canada, very nice and accomodating. Not the most outgoing folk but that's ok. I'm not feeling too friendly.

But that could change in an instant with just a perfectly blended French roast. Oh Canada Coffee Gods, please bless Costanza in this time of dire need.

Day 2---out!

Canada Day 1: It's like America but different

2009-08-10T15:50:00.003-06:00

I am traveling in Canada this week with my new job and we just finished our first workshop. All of 10 people showed up but four purchased our software which I am told is a pretty good sales ratio for our product. The Canadian people are very nice and very attentive to our every need (no, I have not visited a Canadian massage parlor, I'm just referring to the hotel folk and the restaurant folk).

What is weird about Canada is everything looks exactly the same as any other place in the States but all the names are different. Instead of a TJ Maxx, they have a Zellers. Instead of a Big O, they have a Canadian Tire. Instead of bacon, they have um, let me see, oh yeah: Canadian Bacon! However, the food here sucks. The water sucks. And, because the water sucks, the coffee sucks. So three strikes against our Northern friends so far on the dietary side.

The landscape is flat. Since we are in the Alberta province, on the south side, it is freakin' flat out here. I mean Nebraska-flat. I have been on the Banff side which is beautiful and mountainous. This scenery is like Wizard of Oz with no wizard, no Toto, no awesome Tin Man and plenty of windy, windswept flatland.

Not too great.

I am traveling with my Sales Manager who is a very cool guy. We have to share a room and when he saw all of Costanza's beauty products, courtesy of my wife the Master Esthetician, he thought I was super, duper gay or at least a flaming metrosexual. But, he calmed down once he got to know me. Now, he wants to know what my skin care regimen is so he can look super fine, like yours truly.

I also asked him his pet peeves and he said, with no hesitation, "Don't touch me." I said ok. And he then augmented this with, "I mean, don't put your hand on my shoulder, on my back, on my arm or try to get my attention in some way that involves touching. I'm not homophobic, just don't like to be touched."

So friends, here I am in Canada, with crappy food and water, touching myself!!!
More later.

Horrible Listening Skills

2009-08-07T08:38:00.002-06:00

I am just finishing five days of sales training and orientation for this new job I have and one thing has become abundantly clear: most people have no idea how to listen. I sat with five different people over the past two weeks and just kind of monitored their level of listening and attentiveness and it was shocking. I know I have my moments of ill communication; those times when I just zone out or don't feel like paying attention when someone is talking to me. But over the years I've come to understand that being a really good listener is one of the most valuable traits you can ever acquire. And, knowing when to be quiet and not speak. That is also a very valuable skill and it's different than the listening skill.

Let's just analyze one of the guys I worked with this week: Tommie. Tommie is a super nice guy, very friendly and really, really naive. He hasn't traveled much, hasn't lost anything or anyone significant in his life and thinks life is just extra neat and wonderful. He is about 25 and a recent graduate from a local university. The second day I trained with Tommie, we had a few minutes to talk before the training began and we started small talking. This is not my favorite activity but Tommie is, as I stated, a very engaging and cool dude so I was up for it. He also had his cell phone in his right hand, which he kept glancing at periodically. This is kind of how it went:

P: So, you graduated in...
T: Broadcasting.
P: But you didn't want to go into that field?
T: Hold on. (Looks at cell phone, types in something, closes phone, looks at me). Wow, that training was kind of crazy yesterday. Lots of information.
P: Yeah, but it seems pretty straightforward. I think you'll like the software training next week.
T: Cool! I'm excited!
P: (I don't say anything for a minute because it's kind of his turn to ask me something. I'm pretty comfortable in complete silence with strangers which makes people think I'm weird. Actually, they are the ones who are weird. But, I digress. So, I sit).
T: Um, so, where do you go next week?
P: They are sending me to Calgary, Canada.
T: Nice! Hold on. (Looks at phone, types something, looks back at me).
P: Yesterday after we left, I think I saw you on the freeway. Were you in a silver PT Cruiser?
T: No.
P: Oh, cause it had some advertising for window washing and they guy looked exactly like you. Did you make pretty good money washing windows for the last, what did you say? Six years?
T: Yeah, it was good money but you had to be careful when the sun got too hot. It screwed up the windows. But, my partner, he paid me pretty well.
P: Hard labor, nothing like it right?
T: (Looking at his phone). What?
P: Nothing. (I now stand up and grab this huge coffee table book that's in front of us in the lobby called "Timpanogos".) My buddy, Willie Holdman, did all the photos for this book. We went to high school together. Very talented guy.
T: (Now looking out the window, gazing at...something...or nothing). Oh.
P: (Now I'm just kind of done with this whole trying to talk to him deal. And, I now begin to think that either a) I'm the worst conversationalist in the world or b) he could care less or c) he has no listening skills whatsoever.) Anyway...
T: Yeah...

Thankfully our training starts and we get to role play. Role playing is my favorite part of sales training because you get to be someone different. Just like Halloween, where you can take on some different persona for the night, in sales role play, you can be a meth addict with a trust fund, a software developer with poor people skills or a jerky mortgage broker. It's awesome. So Tommie and I get to role play. And I show no mercy to this guy. I am the jerky mortgage broker and, based on our previous interactions, I am going to hit him in his soft underbelly: I am going to make him listen or LOSE. Dahl, our instructor, watches us for 10 minutes and then stops us. He gives Tommie feedback. This is what he says:

"Did you hear what Phil was saying? Because you took the conversation in a whole different direction than where it should have gone. (Tommie is totally blushing right now, very embarassed). He didn't say he was starting a new business, he was saying he was thinking about various businesses to start with an online store being one of them. If you would have caught that major piece of information, you could have led him to a decision to work with us. As it is now, you've lost the sale."

OH SNAP! Take that Tommie!!!

See kids, you need to listen and pay attention and talk less. Don't be like our boy Tommie and wind up on the barbed end of a sales tirade from Costanza. That's not how to be a winner.

My Job Sucks...But No More!!

2009-07-24T08:36:00.004-06:00

So, if anyone has spent a few minutes with me over the last six or seven months and has asked me about my job, you have received one of three typical responses:

1. It's ok.
2. It totally blows.
3. I think it will get better.

Well, it never did get better and now...it's over. I have left Tetra Financial Group and will be joining a company based in Orem called StoresOnline.com. This is a sales position which involves travelling one week on/one week off schedule. What this means is I will be in a city (or country, since this company also sells in the UK and Canada) for five to six days and then I come back home and will be home for one full week. It's a bummer to be gone that long but it's nice to be able to be home and not have work to worry about work.

If you've ever been in a job that questioned every thing you've ever supposed about yourself, it is not fun. Maybe there should be a primer for someone to follow if they find themselves in a work position that they loathe.

Here are some signs that should tell you clearly you need to run away from your job:

You wake up in the morning, every morning, and consider calling in sick.
You pick your music very carefully for your drive in because you know it will be the only pleasurable thing in your life for the next eight hours.
You try to park in different parking spaces every day to break up the monotony. But then you realize all the spaces are the same and it doesn't really help.
You get on the elevator and push "4" for your floor and the electronic voice comes on and says "Four" and you want to punch through the control panel and rip out the tiny little chip that holds this electronic voice and smash it into tiny, tiny pieces.
You are putting your food in the refrigerator and the other person in the kitchen (doesn't matter who it is) says, "Hey, it's almost Friday!" and you have to control yourself from yelling back at them, "Hey, but it's FUCKING NOT IS IT!!"
You turn on your computer, sit in your chair and stare at your monitor and sigh. Then you sigh again. Just as you're about to sigh again, your work mate in an adjoining cubicle says, "Hey Tucker, shut the hell up. I don't want to be here either."
As you're making your 98th or 99th phone call of the day (150 calls per day is the goal), and you leave your 50th or 60th voicemail and you know it won't be returned, you understand more clearly than ever in your life the saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." Insanity approaches with every phone dial.
When Friday does come and you walk out at 5 o'clock, an incredible, heavy, depressing sensation comes over because you realize that you have to be back at your job in just 72 hours.
When you get home, and it's a perfect sunny early evening, and you have a lot of options in front of you (bike ride, walk, hit golf balls, mow the lawn, hang on the porch with a beverage), the only thing you want to do is put on your sweats, pull your hoodie over your head and lie down in bed for the rest of the night, the blackest of black thoughts piercing your fevered, exhausted brain.

Hope that helps everyone. I'm very happy today. So happy.

You have no idea.

Whiskey, Lemons and Chocolate

2009-07-17T23:22:00.006-06:00

7:10pm Friday night

I think I'm going to the liquor store.

The night is still very hot, almost like a furnace blast blowing across the porch. Dinner is done and the water fight has ended.

Dad, can I come with you?

Really? Why do you want to go to the liquor store? I'm not going anywhere else.

I just want to spend time with you. Is that ok?

Absolutely. Let me get my keys and flip flops.

I unlock the door and sliding into the car seat is similar to rolling into a sleeping bag that has been sitting on the lawn during the midday summer hours--stifling. I turn on the CD player.

Is this Tool?

Yeah.

Is it new?

No, one of their releases from 2001 I think.

I pull out onto 1300 East and head south. Not many cars on the road for a Friday night. At 1300 South, I turn west. As we drive by a neighbor's house on that street, a neighbor we both don't care for, we make stinky faces. At the same time. We both laugh at this. Now turning north on 1100 East.

Hey, can we come back to Liberty Fresh and get some lemons?

No. We don't need lemons, do we?

Please? They are sooooo good and you can even use one for your beer.

I'm not having beer tonight, I'm having whiskey. That's why we're going to the liquor store.

Well, still, they are really good.

True. OK, we'll get some on the way back.

Across 1700 South now and passing the Scientology office right next to the Post Office. Those Scientologists are a tricky bunch. Hard to get a read on them. Not Christians, not Muslims, not Buddhists and not atheists. Not even nihilists. I'm going to declare them aliens. Changing the music now to the iPod. CSS.

This is a good song. Who is this?

CSS.

Are they speaking Spanish?

No, Portugese I think. They are from Brazil.

What's this song called?

'Music is my Hot Hot Sex'.

He makes a face.

Um, ok. It's still cool.

Now pulling into the liquor store. Busy night. Weekend has arrived, it is summer and it is time to party. An abundance of parking spaces however. It's also walking weather. At least it is for the drunks who can walk from Fairmont Park. Tonight, it's mostly middle aged women getting wine for parties, young couples getting gin and vodka and actually a few dads with fathers and daughters grabbing exotic beers and small pints of the hard stuff. We enter. A policeman says hi. We say hi and continue walking on in.

I know that guy! I've talked to that policeman before, at the jewelry store at the Gateway. I was asking him about his gun. Wow, that is cool.

You know the policeman at the liquor store? That is random dude.

No, seriously, I know him. He probably doesn't remember me.

Well, go say hi.

No, that's ok. Where are we going?

To the whiskey aisle, I told you.

90 seconds later we are back in the car with the booty. CSS comes back on.

I really like this song. Can we start it over?

Sure.

The song commences. The beat is setting a certain mood, the one you wait all winter to find. A hot summer evening mood.

Dad, what does whiskey taste like?

I would say carmel but kind of sour carmel that burns your throat on the way down. But it doesn't really hurt.

(yucky face being made) Gross. That sounds horrible. Why do you want it?

I like to mix it with Coke. It has less calories than beer if I mix it with Coke Zero.

Why do you even drink it? Do you need it?

No, I don't need it. I just like to relax with an adult beverage on a weekend.

Now pulling into Liberty Heights Fresh. This place is also busy. Two guys pull up next to us and get out at the same time. I walk ahead, a nice breeze cruising through the parking lot, and open up the door for them. They say thank you. I feel a small nudge.

(whispering) Gay.

What?

(whispering again) Those guys are gay.

Yeah? So?

Just sayin'.

Glad you identified them. Everyone needs love and happiness. Don't you agree?

Yeah...where are the lemons?

We locate them in the middle of the store. They are at the top of a display of really good looking fruit. I love this place. A neighborhood garden two blocks from our front door.

How do you pick a good lemon?

Look for a deep color, and they should be a little soft but not too much. Smell them, they should be really pungent.

(inhaling) Wow, they smell great. Holy crap, I want to eat one now.

We reach the check out line and survey the chocolate brownies. The are made with exotic chocolate and were baked today. I pick one up.

I need this brownie. I mean, I need it.

I'd rather have a piece of their bread.

Really? Over this luscious bit of chocolate heaven? Come on man, this brownie is money. You usually can't say no to a treat.

OK, let's get the brownie.

We pay and walk out, just slightly ahead of a family with a daughter that looks about 12 years old. She steps out in front of us and holds open the door.

Thanks!

She smiles.

(whispering as we get into the car) She's kind of hot.

Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to ask her out or anything or ask her to go with me. But, she's hot.

I put the car in D and then change my mind and put it in R. As I reverse, I realize I could have gone forward and pulled onto 1100 East a lot easier. Now I have to basically do a U turn to head North again.

You just pulled a Lucy.

A what?

A Lucy. You know, when you do something kind of dumb? Like Lucy, on that show, she's kind of a klutz?

Oh I know about Lucy. How do you know about Lucy?

I've seen the show at my dad's. Christa pulls Lucies all the time. She once spilled water into her purse and it soaked everything.

That sucks.

That's a Lucy.

The sun is a little lower now as we pull into the driveway. The CSS song is winding down and the cat is lounging further up on the driveway. Our hands full of good things, we shuffle across the porch and head inside.

Friday night begins.

4th of July--Song of the Week--Great Movie

2009-07-13T20:28:00.003-06:00

Golfing at Palisade G.C. It was so beautiful up there and the greens were just as wicked as when I played Junior Golf. Gabe played pretty well, Riley, not so much. But he looked good.

Jil loved driving the cart around but she was pursued by a nasty Wolf who thought he could hit a few shots here and there. His golf game is not as good as his biking. Jil's cart driving was superb.

Voo and AJ in the parade. I think Lane is also in front of Voo enjoying the ride.

Gabe riding randomly in the parade. It's the best parade in the state because no one cares if you are in it or not. Just go with it and be a star on Manti's Main Street for, oh, about 2 minutes.

Karl, Shellie, Joanne, and Barb. Weather was perfect and the oxygen was flowing freely.

None of us could figure out why the Manti Country Village Motel had C.T.R. on its sign. It should be an obvious acronym: Choose the Right. But...the Manti Country Village just felt so WRONG this time around: the stinky mildew in our room, the broken doorknob on Larry and Becky's room (and the constant in and out of young people keeping sleepy Wolf awake at night) and a few other oddities here and there. The only thing that felt right about it was Karl and Joanne's room which was pimped out. Big screen TV, new furniture, etc. It also had a very large oxygen making machine in there that we had to lug in and out . But Karlito felt pretty good most of the time!

Getting ready to ride from the cabin up to the Skyline. Gabe was pretty nervous about this ride because the first 45 minutes is a fairly strenuous climb. He was a little shaky at first but got himself together and finished strong. Wyatt, on the other hand, started strong and finished...in the bushes somewhere. When Wyatt finally caught up to us after we waited a bit for him, Gabe said, "Jimmy, what's wrong with you? You're a GROWN MAN and I'm just a little kid and I'm beating you. What's up my man?" Wyatt did the bike ride of shame on the way home.

It is very green up at the cabin right now--but this afternoon it rained a bit on us after our ATV ride over to Blue Lake. I look pretty happy here, must have been drinking already.

So much love at the cabin!!!

We are in front of the convenience store in Nephi. Gabe is very happy because I bought him something. Fatherhood is pretty easy if you have cash.

Song of the Week: 'Summer's End' by Foo Fighters

I have been playing this song pretty much non-stop all week. It's in the Playlist along with Slipknot, 'Vendetta', the other song I've obsessed over this week. And, finally, some Shiny Toy Guns for flavor.

Great Movie: Gone Baby Gone

Jil and I saw this movie the Sunday night after we returned from Sanpete County. It stars Casey Affleck and is directed by Ben Affleck. There are few movies that truly haunt me--Boys Don't Cry and Funny Games come immediately to mind--and this is one of them. It's about a couple who are private detectives and are hired to find a little girl missing from their neighborhood. It's set in Boston and the narrative eventually brings in some pretty good actors such as Ed Harris but it's Casey Affleck's character that is the best. The last 20 minutes of this movie have occupied a sizable portion of my brain for two weeks now. Go rent it.

Customer Service

2009-06-30T11:16:00.007-06:00

The other day I was in Best Buy getting a new set of speakers for my SUV. I looked at all my choices on that wall they have with the speakers and tried to figure out which one would be best for my vehicle. I went over to a Best Buy guy and asked him what he would recommend for my price range. He came over and helpfully showed me the selections that would fit my budget. While this was going on, another guy was looking at the same wall and he was beginning to invade my personal space. He was scooting closer and trying to hear what the sales guy was telling me and when he heard something about a certain speaker, he would chime in with, "Yeah, that's a good brand. I had some of those in my first car" or "Those speakers are kind of bad, they don't have a really well defined high pass filter" and so on. This was super annoying. This guy is a member of the Lonely White Middle Aged Dude species, whom I will describe in more detail further in this post. I immediately went into defense mode and thanked the sales guy and got right away quickly. I then looked at CD's for 10 minutes waiting for the area to clear. I peeked around the corner and no one was standing by the speakers. I walked over, grabbed the box on the shelf and headed for the check out. My plan was to install them myself. Bad plan. I have no idea how to install speakers. It involves cutting and splicing wires. This is the same for me as building a goddamn hospital. No chance.

So, the next day I want back and had Jai, the Best Buy install guy, install my speakers. He told me to wait since it would be about an hour. After 30 mins, I wandered over to look through the window into the car installation bay to see how he was progressing. And what was Jai doing? He was texting. Both my car doors were open and he was standing out in the sun, texting. A 30 min. job became one hour and 10 minutes because he had to break up the job with texting. This is the state of our customer service. To underscore this further, Jil and I were at Cabela's on Sunday to buy shoes with a gift card I won at a golf tourney. We looked at some options and then I looked for someone to help us. I walked over to the counter and saw a person with a Cabela's shirt and said, "Excuse me...", she turned around and said, "Yeah?" Like I was trying to hit on her in some bar or accost her for money. I kind of got pissed and said, louder than usual, "Yes, I need some help in the shoe department." She said to give her a minute, she was helping someone else, and then she would help me. So, 2 minutes later she comes over and I show her the shoes I want to try. She looks over her shoulder and points with her thumb and says, "They are over there, see if you can find your size. Anything else?" No, you piece of customer service SHITE, I don't need anything else except a ball peen hammer. Seriously. Why even have people in your store if they don't care to help you?

On to Blockbuster: this is quickly rivaling Wal-Mart as my favorite weird person observation place. I got this week pass for unlimited videos and games while I was off work this week so Jil and I could catch up on some movies (Gran Torino great; Last Chance Harvey pretty good; Vicky Cristina Barcelona sexy). I have been making a daily trek to our neighborhood Blockbuster and every time I go, right in front of me in the check out line is Lonely Middle Aged White Guy Who Shares Too Much Information.

This guy is a curious sub-species of the human race. Let me describe him: overweight with a belt on that usually holds a Leatherman, a cell phone or both; balding or with a baseball hat on; old, beat up shoes and cargo pants or loose gym shorts and a very tight fitting T-shirt. This person shares too much. One day a member of this race was telling the clerk about how he built his home theater sound system from scratch and how sweet it sounded when he played Blue Ray discs through a disc player he bought at Circuit City when they were going out of business and how awesome it looked on his 70" screen. The B-buster clerk kept his head down and tried to finish the transaction as quickly as possible, throwing in a "Wow, that's cool" or "Uh-huh, sounds nice" and obviously getting more uncomfortable the longer this guy shared his life and his TV set up. The next day another member of this race shared his opinion on a certain movie franchise (I think it was the Species horror films) and how the one they filmed here in Utah was "really bad, I mean that thing sucked." He kept asking the clerk her favorite franchise films and she drew a blank. She just wanted him to vacate the rental area.

I have a soft spot for these dudes. They just want some attention and validation that their lives mean something. That it is important that they have nice stuff or have an opinion. The problem is their judgment: they are sharing information with people who just don't give a shit. And this is really the point of this post--Customer Service people ultimately do not care whether you are happy with your experience in their store or not. They just want to get past you as quickly as possible because you remind them that they are in a bad job with bad pay and that the prospect for improving their lives is slim. The next time you see Lonely White Dude, be sympathetic. The next time Customer Service Jerk treats you poorly, let them have it. Show no mercy. Ask for their supervisor (Jil does this) and complain. Be the Sherriff of your retail neighborhood and it might improve. And if you want to see exceptional customer service, get out of the Village and come up to SL County and visit one of the three Cafe Expresso Drive Thru Coffee Kiosks and you will see very happy workers who ask you how your day is, what you're doing today, if you need extra chocolate coffee beans or if they can start a punch card for you. I love these people because somehow, someway, they have figured out a way to care about their job. And that makes all the difference.

Death--Riley Tucker Guest DJ

2009-06-27T10:40:00.003-06:00

Death

A lot of death has occurred over the past two weeks. Here is a quick rundown:

Sassy the Cat, hit by a car on the East side of Larry and Becky's house. Sassy was about six years old and could barely be seen except in fast, fleeting moments as she darted around the Wolf's property.
One Small Trout, caught by Voodoo Vern at the annual Cabin Opening Weekend, which also included the death of about 15 Jack and Cokes.
Red Dog, Randy Griffin's dad's dog that was hit by a car in Blanding.
Farah Fawcett, legendary Charlie's Angel who died of cancer after a courageous fight trying to overcome this deadly disease. Everyone had the famous poster on their wall, including Brian Hatch because Dean showed it to me one day as we snuck into Brian's room to look for...well, enough said. I had the other poster of Farah as she was riding a skateboard because I had the same skateboard and because her jeans were really tight. Super tight. Don't have many more memories of Farah than those.
Michael Jackson, King of Pop. Can't say much more than what has already been said about MJ. My early memories of Michael are twofold: first, I heard "Rock With You" on a plane while travelling to a golf tournament in California when I was 14. I loved it even though at the time I was way into punk and thought that kind of disco rubbish was useless. However, it was and still is my favorite MJ song. Second, I remember going to a golf tourney in Chuck O'Brien's car the week "Thriller" came out and putting in the cassette tape and listening to "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" and loving it. Even today, with all the music available for download, Gabe just bought "Beat It" and listens to it constantly. We'll miss ya Michael.
Ree Goorman, Steve Goorman's Mother. Ree passed away after suffering from Alzheimer's for 20+ years.
Jackie Stice, Steve Goorman's Sister. Jackie sufferred from dementia and had a very tragic decline since I first met her in 2001. She was a great person with a tremendous spirit and was only 56. (BTW: Steve is Gabe's biological father).

We attended the service for Ree and Jackie last night at Eastlawn Cemetary and it was very beautiful. One of the speakers mentioned his time in Nigeria and shared some thoughts that the Nigerians have on death (I'm paraphrasing): "Western medicine is obsessed with keeping death at bay and treating death as the enemy. Death is not the enemy, human sufferring is the enemy. Death is natural and should never be feared or avoided. It is the natural end to all of our lives." Easy to say when death is not right at your doorstop. We feel very badly for Steve at this time but he has expressed his relief at not watching his mother and sister suffer any longer.

Nothing puts your life into focus and re-frames it like a funeral service. I kept thinking as I listened to the speakers, What would someone say about me when I die? It is a very self-centered experience, being at a funeral for someone else but only thinking of yourself, but I almost couldn't help it. We all want to make an impact on others and have our lives mean something. It can't all just be in vain, can it? As Jackie's friends spoke about her kindness, her loving personality and generosity, I had to step back and re-evaluate--where am I going and what are the most important thing(s) in my life?

Famous Fathers for Fathers Day

2009-06-21T09:24:00.002-06:00

In honor of Fathers Day, here are some famous fathers and why they should always be remembered and revered and this holiest of holy days:

Al Hendrix, Father of Jimi Hendrix

Known for his generosity and kindness, Al Hendrix raised Jimi, and his older brother Leon, as a single father from the time Jimi was 10 years old. He gave Jimi a ukele, then eventually an acoustic guitar and an electric guitar which Jimi took to immediately. Jimi never took guitar lessons but just developed his technique on his own. Al was always supportive of his son's desire to play music and express himself creatively. Al was also a retired war veteran and spent most of his working years as a gardener. After Jimi died, Al fought for control of Jimi's recordings and legacy and eventually won all rights to Jimi's name and music in 1995. He founded Experience Hendrix, a management company dedicated to preserving Jimi's legacy. He was also instrumental in getting archived material out to the public of many of Jimi's 'lost' recordings. Al was a great father and was dedicated to both of his sons until he died in 2002 of heart failure.

Gene Simmons, KISS

I have been a fan of KISS for 30 years and Gene has always been my least favorite character. Yes he was kind of evil as 'The Demon' and had a cool tongue and spit blood and breathed fire and all that. But, he was just sort of so over the top that he became a distraction to the music and the rest of the band. Later as he become more well known for his business dealings and his ability to brand KISS into one of the most recognizable names in pop culture, every time you heard him speak or read about him, he was always bragging about how many women he has slept with or how much money he was worth. I had written him off as just a greedy, selfish rock idiot.

Jil and I then started watching Family Jewels which is a reality show based on Gene's family: his girlfriend of 25 years Shannon Tweed, his son Nick and daughter Sophie. After two or three episodes it becomes clear that Gene in addition to being greedy and a blowhard is surprisingly, a fantastic father. He is self-deprecating when he needs to be, very open in communicating how he feels towards his family and how much they mean to him. And, very meddlesome (and caring) in trying to arrange dates for his daughter and helping his son Nick form a rock band. What you quickly learn from this show is that this guy really just wants to be the best dad possible and he takes it seriously. I read just recently a quote that says the definition of a man is that he takes his life and the lives of those he loves very seriously. Who knew? Gene Simmons, awesome dad.

Karsten Solheim, Father of the Ping Putter

Is there a better putter on the planet than a Ping Putter? No. Lots of good ones out there and even Tiger's putter, which is a Titleist, is made after the Anser 4 model which Ping made back in 1985. Karsten is the father of this wonderful club and named it after the nice little 'ping' sound that you get when you strike your ball in the sweet spot. His company now makes all kinds of golf stuff including the G2 Driver, which new father Grant Rowan hits very hard and very long. Thank you Karsten for making all of our golf lives a little bit ping-ier.

Bill Gates, philanthropist, billionaire and Father of the Xbox

An invention is good and valuable if it's value is made known immediately. The Xbox, which Bill didn't really invent but he is the Father of Microsoft so therefore pretty much the father of the Xbox, is a fantastic device which becomes useful the minute it's plugged in. Why? So your children can spend hours entertainng themselves with Halo, Deadrising, Street Ball 4, Ghost Recon and Guitar Hero while you and the spouse get busy with other 'things'. I mean, getting some time with your lover is a tough thing to do when you have kids. Especially during the summer months when they are home a lot. But, rent them a new game from Blockbuster, take them down in the basement, and turn it on. Then go get your spouse turned on and you will have 15 mintues of uninterupted love time. I say 15 because I've heard some guys can hang on that long. I think it's a myth myself. Anyway, if you only need five minutes, get the Xbox and distract your kids. Thanks Bill Gates!

Finally, Father Time

This guy is a real asshole. He is not kind, generous or attentive. He sets his wheel in motion and then lets the rest of us panic and flounder about trying to make the best use of our time until he takes it away, using his half-brother the Grim Reaper, another asshole. These guys make us feel guilty for not using every minute of our lives as productively as possible. They know that the time we have is finite and that we won't get any more. So if we are not utilizing the time alloted to us, we are therefore wasting time. And wasting time, to Father Time, is a bad, bad thing. He makes us realize, after we waste time, how precious our time on Planet Earth is and how we need to seize that time or forever feel regret as we look back and think of the things we should or shouldn't have done with our time. Father Time really at his core essence, doesn't care what you think of him. His love is not based on whether you are happy. His love is based on the complete awakening that each of us has one day, that one moment in our lives where we look in the mirror and finally understand with awful certainty, Fuck, I Am Going To Die. At that moment, Father Time is your best friend.

The People's Quiz!

2009-06-13T09:35:00.015-06:00

Current Events Quiz for Everyone Who Can't Win Voo's Quiz About German Saboteurs Even Though They Spent 30 Minutes Trying to Find it on Google:

OK, this scary guy was sentenced this week to life in prison for murder. Who is he and what is he famous for?

1. A Ducks Unlimited sponsor who killed too many ducks.
2. An exiled Russian count who murdered his maid because she hid all of his wigs.
3. Our long lost cousin Steve Tucker, who effectively has murdered all of his relationships with other Tucker family members.
4. Phil Spector, record producer, who murdered a young girl by shooting her in the mouth.

Answer: 4. Phil Spector is famous for creating the "Wall of Sound" production technique that was very famous in the late 50's and 60's, especially with many girl groups from that era. Some of the famous artists he worked with are Ike and Tina Turner, John Lennon and George Harrison and at one point the Ramones. He actually produced one of my favorite Ramones albums, End of the Century. However, he is a real dirtbag and a killer. The picture below is Phil with one of his many wigs. I hope he rots in hell.

Phil Spector: Asshole

Jack Jones: Welcome to Planet Earth mister!

This cute little son of a gun was born on Sunday to Sarah and Brett and he could not be cuter. Apparently he has even started to respond to hammers and screwdrivers as Brett holds them in front of his face. He will probably grow up to build weird shit like his dad. So....

How many hours was Sarah in labor and which pain numbing procedure will she crave for the rest of her life?

1. She snorted coke off of the bed pans prior to giving birth and kept yelling at Brett, "Hey Daddy-O! How about a little help here!!!" as she gave birth in a quick 30 minutes.
2. She was in labor just 90 minutes after Randy Griffin brought in his favorite bong and they took bong rips for two hours before Jack was born.
3. Uncle Voo came by and they did Jack Daniels shots for 3 hours and then she gave birth in a zippy 15 minutes. Wee!!
4. She was in labor 3 hours and was so thankful for the epidural that she wants one every day, not only for herself, but for her parents and siblings because it not only made her feel good, it made everyone else seem so much cooler.

Answer: 4. Epidurals rule!

Combined IQ: 7

The two lovely people above have one thing in common:

1. They both have read exactly one book each and that book is, coincidentally, George W. Bush's favorite book, My Pet Goat.
2. They are famous for being on a reality TV show called Americans are Really Gullible and Will Watch Anything Even a couple of Ass Clowns like Us.
3. They just left another reality TV show called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here! which is basically like watching scorpions kill each other but not as interesting.
4. They are both trapped in a marriage so fake, transparent and soulless that it makes Jon and Kate's marriage look like a sweet fairy tale.

Answer: 3 and 4. The two people of questionable talent are Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who became famous for being on The Hills. They have no talent except the talent to appear to have a life everyone wants and so people watch them because we are a celebrity obsessed nation and one day we will pay dearly for our transgressions. May they both rot in hell.

I got you babe...and you too!

Chastity Bono made an announcement this week. What was it?

1. That she still will not take up skiing (Sonny Bono, I'm sorry buddy, I know that was in poor taste. Still funny though!).
2. That she loves black western shirts like Johnny Cash and will wear them every day for the rest of her life.
3. That she is going to change her sex from female to male and be known as Chaz Bono.
4. That even though her mother Cher made 54 (!!!) albums since 1965, and even though no one can remember the title of one of her songs except the hit with Sonny when they had their variety show, except that one called Believe, Chastity still loves her very much wishes her mom all best with her next round of plastic surgery.

Answer: 3. Chastity will undergo her sex transformation operation next month and will emerge as Chaz Bono, the Hero of the Transgendered.

Am I the lamest person alive? YOU BETCHA!!!

Sarah "I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles...holy crap, there's Russia!" Palin is mad at David Letterman. What did he say that made her mad?

1. That her husband Todd is actually cool and that she sucks like no other.
2. Dave mentioned that all the money she spent on clothes during her campaign had to be given back, with receipts, and that the only way for her to compete against Michelle Obama's sterling fashion sense would be for Michelle Obama not to exist.
3. That while she was in town and attending a Yankees game, Alex Rodriguez knocked up one of her daughters during a break in the game.
4. Dave said, "Sarah, if you wink at me one more time I will have my pet crow Horrorshow peck your eyes out."

Answer: 3. Dave said this in his opening monologue and meant it for her oldest daughter Bristol, who was knocked up by Levi, the hockey player, but now they have broken up. Actually in town with Sarah was her younger daughter Willow and Sarah has now used this sliver of news as another reason to shove her smug, idiotic mug right back into the face of mainstream media and into our homes. Sarah, I seriously hope you rot in the lower rings of hell.

This band has a steadfast rule: wear a hat, show your tummy or you're out of the band chump!

The Black Eyed Peas had their first No. 1 hit record this week. What is it called and what kind of music is it?

1. The song is called Please Lower Your Expectations (While I Lower My Pants) and the music is the heaviest black metal imaginable.
2. The song is called Lazy Day (Don't Put the Joint Away) and it is a reggae inspired R&B slow jam.
3. The song is called Bottle Rocket (Get Your Hand Out of My Pocket) and it is a country western tune.
4. The song is called Boom Boom Pow and it is a minimalistic dance number with inane lyrics, weird verses and really bad rapping.

Answer: 4. You can turn on your radio now and hear it. It will be there. It is ALWAYS there.

I need a facial from Jil!!

This is a soccer player named Ronaldo. He is dating a very famous person. Who is he dating and if they have kids, will they be as cute as Jack Jones or Monet Rowan?

1. He is dating Adam Lambert and they will adopt a very cute kid from Brazil but this kid will not be as cute as Jack or Monet.
2. He is dating Chastity Bono and is now super pissed that she will become a dude and that they won't be able to have kids.
3. He is dating David Beckham and they will order Posh Spice to have their kids for them and they will be ok looking but still won't compare to Monet or Jack.
4. He is dating Paris Hilton and they will have kids that are ugly little shits with ugly little personalities and bad acne.

Answer: 4. Paris and Ronaldo, have fun rotting in hell with Phil Spector, Heidi and Spencer and Sarah Palin.

Phil and The Gays

2009-06-08T19:31:00.003-06:00

I am a magnet for gay men. Seriously. I don't know what it is, my cool beard, my somewhat thin but still youthful spiky hair or my incredibly taut buttocks, but the Gays love me. How do I know this? A story from that endless supply of blog material, the Wal-Mart:

Sunday morning I went on my usual grocery run and moved through the aisles quickly. Not a lot of folks on Sunday which is the best time to hit the WM. I chose my check out line carefully because I had a record time going and didn't want to jack it up with some dough head of a check out person. This is harder than it looks because the people checking you out at WM are deceiving--the ones that look fast suck and the ones that look super slow and lame are very fast. The lane I chose had a guy who looked really lame and I figured I was going to zip through.

No such luck. The guy, his name is Josh the Gay Cashier at Wal Mart, was awful. He didn't know any of the codes for the veggies or fruit, he didn't move quickly and he kept staring at the keyboard of his check out lane, looking for some kind of inspiration or something. He had hair that was a combo of Roy Orbison and Adam Lambert and a really bad fake tan. Plus he looked at least 50 with this ridiculous hair do. But, being the nice guy that I am, I was friendly and patient. As I moved my cart into position to put my bags in, he looked up at me and began checking out my package. Um, my groceries, I mean.

This was the exchange:

Gay Josh: Hi, how are you?
PT: Good, yourself?
GJ: Great. Is it still raining outside?
PT: Yes.
GJ: Oh good, I hate it when it's all sunny out and I'm stuck in here. (Now, you have to imagine him saying this like Fred Schneider of the B-52's, with a super effeminate accent and with his voice escalating on the "stuck". By the way, I'm a fan of the B-52's which may explain my gay magnetism. But, I digress.)
PT: Yeah, that's a bummer. At least it's not too busy.
GJ: OH MY GOD!!! I know!!! I'm so happy about that because people come to Wal Mart with their babies and just let them SCREAM!! It drives me nuts! So, it's nice to have some quiet!
PT: Yep.
(Now we have a period of silence where I put my bags in the cart while Josh is still checking out the remainder of my groceries. He is fumbling with my balls, um, I mean bags, and he is super nervous. I do look hot: I have on my sexiest jeans with flip flops, a white long sleeve T-shirt with the sleeves pulled up to reveal my rippling forearms and a baseball cap. Plus my beard is a little overgrown so it looks extra manly).
GJ: OK, is that everything?
PT: Yep, I think so. (I begin using the electronic pad to finish the purchase)
GJ: Um, can I ask you something?
PT: Sure.
GJ: Are you a FIREFIGHTER or a POLICE OFFICER?
PT: (flabergasted and totally flattered and now just super effing giddy), Why, no, uh, why do you ask?
GJ: Well, you just look like one of those guys. (Josh stares at me with a full eyeball to eyeball stare at this point that basically says, If you were gay like me, we would be doing homosexual things over in the tupperware aisle right by the greeting cards).
PT: Oh, no. I don't do anything that dangerous.
GJ, (now fully turgid): Well, what DO YOU DO??
PT: I'm in sales.
GJ: Oh, that can be dangerous too (he is now smiling).
PT: I guess. Thanks, have a good day.
GJ: You too!

I have many more incidences like the one above, including one a few years back at a Starbucks in Anaheim. I went up to pay for my coffee and when the barista told me the amount, a guy in back of me said, "It's ok, I want to buy his drink." I looked around and there was the Gayest Man in Southern California ready to buy my latte. I said no, but thanks, and scooted away.

I could go on but my point is this: at my age, I love the attention, from gay or straight. If someone out there thinks I am hot shit, bring it on. I don't have to act on it but I'm not going to be embarassed about it either. So thanks, Gay Josh, and Gay SoCal dude: I love The Gays and they love me!

David Carradine dies; Anvil rules; Eagles of Death Metal metal out!

2009-06-05T19:55:00.003-06:00

R.I.P. David Carradine

I used to watch the old series Kung Fu when I was a wee Shaolin priest in Orem. Watching David Carradine as the hero/protagonist made you feel something cool, something different. He had a presence and even if the story in the Kung Fu episodes were repetitive, they were compelling because he was so intense and into that character. Apparently he had some issues and either committed suicide in a hotel room in Thailand naked OR he was a victim of an all too common death dealer, auto erotic asphyxiation. This is when you choke yourself until you die while you are...um...you know...doing that thing to yourself (or it can be with a partner which is usually the safer method since you have someone to rescue you in case you go too far). Many people die from this accident every year and once in a while, so does a famous person. But it sucks that it was D. Carradine because even though he abused many drugs in his younger years, he had been clean for about 25 years and was in a great phase of his career. He made the largest impact a few years back as Bill in the Kill Bill movies and even if that's all you see him in, he is dynamite in that role.

Another cool one bites the dust.

ANVIL

I saw a great movie on Tuesday night with Joey Watts called "Anvil: The Story of Anvil". It is the story of a heavy metal band from Canada that was famous for about...35 minutes. They have been trying to make it in the big time ever since. Their big time moment of fame came at a Japanese heavy metal fest in 1984 where they opened for Scorpions and Bon Jovi. Almost immediately after that gig they disappeared. They did not stop making music or touring. They just never made an album that went anywhere. In fact, they have made 13 albums and have been on the road almost non stop for about 25 years. These guys are the epitome of dedication. The sacrifice for any kind of more lucrative career has been cast aside for the Herculean quest of trying to break into the music biz.

This movie was awesome because of the players in Anvil, specifically Lips the lead singer and Robo the drummer. They are best buds and made a pact way back when they were 14 to keep rockin' and making metal music no matter the cost. Family, friends and very famous musicians (Slash, Lars from Metallica) watched from the sidelines as these guys tried and tried and tried to make it and never got a break. During the movie they undergo a six week tour of Europe and when they play Prague, the club owner attempts to pay them in goulash. At one stop they play for one heavy metal fan who plays air drums in a beat up recliner in the middle of the floor. And these guys can play! The songs are ok but the desperation of it all and the supreme will of these guys to just KEEP GOING is inspiring. The final bit of the movie has them back in Japan playing the 11:35 am slot, just one of about eight bands that will play that day. The last 10 minutes of this show are incredible. I won't spoil it, rent it when it comes to the Red Box or Blockbuster.

Eagles of Death Metal

These guys rule. They are in the Playlist and you will enjoy their sounds. Listen and...beware!

Jil's Yard; Karl in the hospital; I don't understand.

2009-05-30T06:02:00.005-06:00

Jil knows yard. When we moved into our house at 1300 E. two years ago, the yard was not much. Yellow grass, bad looking bushes and mangy roses. However, after some attention and care, our yard has become pretty nice. It's amazing what regular watering and weeding can do. I still don't enjoy doing yard work but I do like the results.

Gabe with Lady Ramona, the statue from our last house. Just under Ms. Ramona's armpit is Hank's grave.

We have pink, red, yellow, orange and white roses growing around the perimeter of our house and they are very abundant this year due to all the wet weather. I thought they were annoying at first but I've come to realize that I can give Jil a dozen roses at any time, for free. It's pretty sweet and makes me look good.

Grow you little bastards, grow!

KT in the hospital

Karl was in Utah Valley last week and had quite a scare. (BTW, check out Voo's blog for some great photos of Karl). He is now back home and feeling better. However, it was a pretty shaky scene when we walked into his room on Friday night. He had a large breathing apparatus on his face that looked like that egg from the Alien movies that plants the alien monster into your stomach. He was kind of alert and was obviously happy to see his family there, studying the various charts and monitors that give an update on his vitals from moment to moment. But the room was so tiny. Apparently Utah Valley didn't plan on all the equipment that has now become such a part of patient care. Even so the room was way too small. I felt like we were visiting him in a closet. He was moved after a few days to another room that was larger and that helped.

Hospitals are so lame. They do exactly the opposite of what you want them to do: they make you feel sicker. How can you get better with sick folk all around you? Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful they had a place for Dad that could get him back on track and a good doctor that really seemed to care about him and his well being. But how many times when walking to his room did I have to look into another patients' room and see them in some sort of tortured state? It was like a never ending slide show of the infirm and enfeebled. I guess you just put your head down and don't look up until you reach your patients' room.

Plus, almost everything you touch feels a little sticky. I used those anti-bacterial bottles about once every ten minutes and still felt gross. The handles have some weird lacquer on them, the stainless steel appears to have a bunch of stains and the sheets looked gray. The food is barely worth mentioning at all except that it keeps you alive. The only redeeming factor of the hospital were the people caring for Karl. He had some really good nurses and one or two whackjobs. That's to be expected. It's like any experience you have in the service industry: some people just get it and others are clueless. It may be too much to ask for all hospital staff to have some kind of bedside manner, but why get in that profession in the first place if you don't genuinely care for sick people? I've never understood the Rude Nurse.

Other things I've never understood:

Homework for elementary school kids. If you have a child in school for eight hours a day and they come home with two more hours of school work, you have failed as an educational system. Kids need a break. They need some time to be kids. My kid comes home, does his homework, eats and then gets maybe an hour to be a kid before going to bed. It's ridiculous. These little students are not in college. Their capacity to retain information stops at about 2pm. Let's just stop with the worksheets, the huge spelling tests and the dumb as hell science projects.

Dropping the F Bomb (not THE F Bomb but the word) in a sales meeting. My boss is a great guy and I like him a lot. But the other day he said the f word in a sales meeting and it sounded so lame. He sounded like an idiot. He was trying to stress a certain point that he was angry about and felt it would be more impactful to tell us "This is f***ing bullshit". HIS boss, the VP of our company, turned red and rolled his eyes. Clearly it was not the venue for a naughty word. Here's some advice: when you've resorted to swearing to get control of your sales team, you've already lost control.

Thieves. Of all the crime related professions, this one is the worst (we're talking non-violent crime here). My friend Joey Watts is in town and staying at his in-laws (they are in Europe). He is also borrowing his brother in law's road bike and we have been able to go on a few rides this week. He left the garage door up for ten minutes on Thursday afternoon and when he went back to close it, he discovered someone had stolen the bike and a bunch of expensive power tools and a few other items. I can't tell you how many times I was robbed in Hawaii, from my credit cards to my day planner to swim fins to clothes. Also, I've had a bunch of CD's stolen from an apartment and my stereo ripped off from the parking lot of Gart Sports a few years back.

Thieves, BURN IN HELL.

The handshake/hug/bro hug/stones/knuckles/awkward greeting between guys. I met my friend Eric for lunch on Thursday at Market Street Broiler. We hadn't seen each other for a few months and I was looking forward to catching up with him. However, I wasn't looking forward to the greeting. Eric and I have always had a hard time greeting each other. We've known each other for 15 years and I would consider him a hug-worthy pal. Someone you see and just give a quick hug and pat on the back and say, Good to see you my friend. Come, let us eat and drink and discuss the affairs of our lives. But Eric and I aren't sure how to address each other upon arrival. He raises his hand for a...what? A high five? A sideways handshake? I kind of get ready for a hug but he's just ready for a shake. Cool, no problem, I move my hand to shake and then he opens his arms for the hug. I now have to move my arms out quickly and after we embrace, it feels soooooo awkward. The valet watching us I'm sure was just taking in the supreme goofiness of the whole thing. When we made eye contact after both of us just had this shameful, stupid look on our faces that made it even worse. I should have just said, "Boy that was weird" and we could have laughed about it. Our lunch was fine but I won't be calling him soon because we'll have to greet each other again. Painful.

Letter to Jon: I'm Sorry; David Lee Roth; Hank

2009-05-24T17:55:00.004-06:00

Dear Jon,

I will admit when I'm wrong and I was wrong about you. You are actually the nice one. You actually want to be a good person and try to to do the right thing. And you are the one that deserves to be exonerated for your public misdeeds, not your shrill of a wife Kate. I did try to stay on her side and really support her efforts of being the mother of eight and a possibly sympathetic individual. However today, in my weekly quest for enlightenment that is the trip to Wal-Mart, I was reading a People magazine in line (scoff if you must but you do it too) and the headline read: Kate--From Mother to Monster--She's fired 40 assistants in the past three months; she cares about tanning and her appearance more than her kids; (and some other bad thing about her). And I just caught a recent episode from the end of last season that showed her yelling at Jon like he was a little kid, in a Target, while the other customers looked on with their mouths open. When they walked outside, Jon was pissed. "I'm mad at you," he says. She says, "Why? What did I do?" He says, "You yelled at me like I was a dog, in front of all those people. I was humiliated." She says, "I did? Honestly, I don't even think of anyone else when I am in that kind of mood. I didn't even see that there were other people in the store. What do you want me to do?" He says, "Apologize." She shrugs her shoulders and gets in their large Sprinter van.

I switched from her team to his team at that moment.

Fame may have made her awful Jon but I have a feeling she was bred to be a bee-aatch. Sure celebrity can have it's downside and it may have gone to her head. She has a successful book and a recognizable face. Who doesn't like to be recognized? She now has money and can provide her brood with the best. But she doesn't have to be mean. I really didn't think she was that mean but she's one of those F***ing Pit Vipers that Melissa Rivers keeps going on about (Celebrity Apprentice reference ya'll). I can see why you wanted to fall into the arms of another woman. You were looking for a safe haven and an understanding soul.

I wonder what you were both like when you met. You didn't realize who she was until it was too late; OR, it is just too hard to predict how someone will react when conditions change or their environment is turned upside down. People are a mystery Jon and it's hard to count on them. On the surface you suppose one thing and once reality hits, it's something else entirely.

Things just usually aren't what they seem.

Isn't this the truest thing in life? EXPECTATIONS ARE RARELY IF EVER MET. The restaurant you've heard and read about is not that great; your kids are given a task to do and they do it incorrectly if they do it at all; you wait for a phone call from your kids and it comes either too late or at the wrong time; you think your neighbor will mow their lawn and trim back their bushes but they don't; work is mediocre and tedious most of the time and on the day you think your boss will let you out early, he doesn't; the movie you've seen advertised that the critics say is the re-invention of cinema totally blows (hello Atonement) and on it goes.

Here are some things that will always meet your expectations Jon. Keep this list handy and refer to it when you feel off balance and need to center yourself. These things are exactly what you'd expect them to be and you can always count on them:

1. Drivers in Utah County are always awful. Don't know what it is about the driver education programs, the water or the lack of side mirrors, but drivers in the Village are hands down the worst ever. Never look when changing lanes, go through every yellow light even it it's pretty much red, go too fast then too slow and never wave when you let them in. Clueless and inept are their signposts. You can't avoid them if you're down there so just don't go down there.

2. Cormac McCarthy books are always amazing. This guy kills with every book and you can count on it. The Road, All the Pretty Horses, No Country for Old Men, Blood Meridian, take your pick. The prose is perfect, the characters are deep and you will think about these stories long after you read them. Pick one up on the way to your mistresses house and you can thank me later.

3. AC/DC makes the same album every time and it sounds exactly like you think (and hope) it will sound. So does Slayer.

4. Irish Car Bombs are the perfect drink. You take a pint of Guiness, throw some Baileys irish cream in there and then drop in a shot glass full of whiskey and drink it all down in one shot. It tastes like chocoloate milk and you can have three and you won't get sick (unlike Long Island Ice Tea which makes you sick after two sips). You will soon forget your troubles Jon and all of life's answers will be made clear. Or you'll quietly pass out and wake up to the nightmare that is your life. Either way, the drink is money.

5. Fiji is apparently the most perfect vacation spot on earth. I'm taking my niece's word on this (see Annie's blog and the photos) but it looks pretty sweet and not as touristy as Hawaii. Jon, go there as soon as you can and clear your head. Any tropical paradise at any time is ok by me.

6. Finally, listen to David Lee Roth in all his wisdom. Jon, you will not be lead astray if you follow the words of David Lee Roth. Here are just a few nuggets from the mighty DLR:

Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money.
He who knows how will always work for he who knows why.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

Diamond Dave comin' at ya!

Good Luck Jon, you poor bastard. I hope it all works out for you.

With much sympathy,

Costanza

HANK: R.I.P. mister

A year ago this Memorial Day

weekend, Hank was hit by a car and

died. Hank wasn't a good cat like our other feline O.C.; Hank threw up on Jil's couch and he made scratch marks in very expensive furniture. He liked to go away outside for up to 10 days at a time and he never told us where he went or what he was up to. He was a naughty cat but he was like the teenager that wrecks your car, has a party and leaves beer cans on the back porch and makes dumb teen age decisions. However, you can't help but love them because deep down they are pretty solid. Hank is buried in our back yard. He had a great life and lived in eight different apartments/houses and two different states. He was from Texas but I won't

hold that against him. I just miss him.

Response to the Notorious Voo Quiz

2009-05-19T19:42:00.018-06:00

I don't want to start a blog war but I've had enough of the Notorious Voo quizzes. They are way too obscure, demented and abstract. A Nazi general? Old timey Western gangsters? What's next, a photo of one of the producers of the The Little Rascals? Holy cow Voo, let's get into this century. And yes I know that those who don't understand history are doomed to repeat it so I appreciate your attempt at being The Helpful Scholarly Uncle.

But your quizzes suck.

Here is the Supremely Easy, Fun and Super Duper Informative Quiz from Costanza! And, I Give You the Answers for Instant Gratification! And, You Don't Have to Email Me the Answers Either!

This is Randy Blythe, lead singer for metal band Lamb of God. He does not drink, does not smoke and is a vegetarian. He also does daily meditation and practices a spiritual philosophy that dates back thousands of years. He is:

A pagan
A Buddhist
A Mormon
A Templar

ANSWER: Randy Blythe is a Buddhist. Go Randy!

This is the rapper Dolla. He is in the news this week because:

He likes the Atlanta Braves just like Dean Hatch
He has a tattoo on his hand
He was shot in the head outside the Beverly Center Mall in L.A.
He will be playing at the Stadium of Fire with the Jonas Bros. on July 4

ANSWER: He was shot by an unknown person. Just like Biggie, just like Tupac. He was 21.

Who are these guys?

Two regular dudes totally grateful to be out of the Village on Sunday and having a beer to celebrate
Two dudes hanging out at the Ducks Unlimited banquet after doing shots with The Dude (photo NOT courtesy of The Dude's Photography Studio)
Two dudes who star in kick ass movies that you should all see
Two dudes completely satisfied after having tater tots at Joanne's

ANSWER: Movie stars Jason Statham (Crank, Snatch, Transporter) and Vinnie Jones (Snatch, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels).

This horse and jockey won the Preakness Stakes this past weekend. They are:

Karl and Keno kicking ass one last time in the memory of Raz
Seabiscuit and Elvis gettin' nice on some sweet Maryland dirt
O'Neil Miner and his horse Dipshit doin' some damage on the brown top of Baltimore
Rachel Alexandra and Calvin Borel

ANSWER: The first filly to win the Preakness since 1923, Rachel Alexandra beat Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird by a length. Calvin rode Mine That Bird two weeks ago at the Kentucky Derby and called Rachel Alexandra the "fastest horse I've ever ridden. That horse is a freak, man."

Someone in this photo had a very bad bicycle accident two weeks ago. Was it...

Gabe?
Gentry?
Kris?
Irene?

ANSWER: Kris. She was on a road bike ride with her friend Vegas and a guy from the Trek Bike Store in American Fork. As they were going through a green light, the guy (sorry, can't recall his name) inexplicably turned around and waited for Kris and Vegas but they were going pretty fast and Kris ran into him head on. She was knocked backwards off her bike and banged her head on the road, while also falling over onto her hand. Her hand is in bad shape and she will have to get surgery to repair damage to fingers and tendons. Her bike was also totaled.

This guy left something behind this week. Who is he and what did he leave?

He is an extra from Brokeback Mountain and he left his rubber saddle somewhere in the musky sagebrush
He is an extra from No County for Old Men and he just left the Josh Brolin after-party where he realized that he will never be as cool as Josh Brolin
He is the drummer for Nickleback and he has just left a crime scene where he has lodged both of his drumsticks firmly into they eye sockets of Chad, the lame lead singer, who always has to have the attention and the chicks
Joe Wurzelbacher aka Joe the Plumber, who left the Republican Party.

ANSWER: Joe the Plumber has decided the GOP is just not for him. Wow. That party is in deep doo-doo if Joe the Plumber can't find a home there.

Michael Phelps returned to competition this week after being suspended for smoking pot. He raced six races. How many did he win and who was the rival that beat him?

He won one race, was beaten by Snoop Dogg, and later met him backstage for some more 'training' with the chronic
He won all of them and then sent a text to Voodoo Vern asking him for the number of his 'special friend in the agricultual department at Utah State'.
He won none of them and got so distraught that he phoned Matthew McConnaughy for some buddy bonding time in Matthew's trailer, equipped with the world's largest bong.
He won four, lost two and was beaten by Aaron Piersol.

ANSWER: Utah State University's Ag Econ department grows some sweet weed.

And finally, name this singer and her nickname:

Ah screw it, I can't think of anything clever or interesting here. It's Brenda Lee, famous for "I'm Sorry" and also known as the Little Dynamite because she was only four feet nine inches tall. She was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2002. I am currently enjoying a greatest hits CD of hers. My favorite song is "Break It To Me Gently."

See how much smarter you are? And without all the frustration of looking at gray photos of dead German dudes!

Letter to Kate (of Jon & Kate Plus 8)

2009-05-10T12:30:00.004-06:00

Dear Kate,

Life sure has a cruel sense of humor, doesn't it? One minute you're Queen of the Reality TV Moms and the next you're The One He Cheated On. You have my sympathy and my pity and I will join with you in your anger for your wandering spouse, Jon. I will curse the heavens and shake an enraged fist at the fickle hand of fate that has thrown you so uncerimoniously to the paparazzi dogs.

In short, Happy Mother's Day.

What a bummer: you guys try to have kids, you can't, you take the baby drugs, you get pregnant and then pregnant again and then again and ad infinitum. Well, at least until you got to eight. Eight kids. I seriously cannot even imagine that life. The diaper changing alone would have me so far up the ass end of a bottle of Jack I would never come out. And the whining, the crying, the bitching, the complaining and the tantrums...from Jon. The kids are ok. It's that little bitch Jon that drives me crazy. He is a true milquetoast, not fit for you. I truly thought when I first watched your program that you were the harpy to end all harpies. I hated your smug, disgusted looks and the way you always talked down to Jon like he was just another soggy mouth to feed. But now I see what you were doing: you were getting ready for the day when you could plan your breakaway. You are brilliant Kate. You will end up making a ton of money (aside from the ton you've already made) when this is all over. You are on your way to Oprahville. Women who get cheated on and then recover have the sympathy and willing credit cards of millions. You will start a talk show, or write a book, or sell your rights to a production company or go on a self-help tour. Really, the possibilities are endless.

And what about that little pinhead of a husband, Jon? Where does he end up? My money is he finds himself where all true d-bags wind up: on VH1. He probably will make some money doing a dating show, or appearing in a porno or writing his own version of how things went. But that will be short lived. He has no spine. He has no will of his own. We all know you are the glue holding that family together. Oh, aside from the money he brings in which is a moot point now. You will be the Uber Bread Winner Kate. He has misstepped and now you are in the proverbial catbird seat.

As for the tears? Save them. Save them for your babies. Focus on your children because they really need you now. When they ask where Daddy is or why he's moving out or when will he come back, you have to be octo-strong for all of them. No time for self-pity or self-reflection. No time to ask why or spendng empty nights trying to figure out "where I went wrong." Kate, you did NOTHING wrong. You gave birth and that is all. You did it really, really well and that's ok. You married below your station and that will also change. Someone is out there Kate, waiting for the right time to come in and be the Best Step Dad Ever. Just be patient and hire a nanny.

Or four.

Love,
Costanza

The Library

2009-05-06T22:16:00.004-06:00

The Library

The current recession and my own financial environment have driven me to frequent a place that many may find quaint and ancient: The Library. I am one of the few 41 year olds that I know that has an active library card (No overdue fines! Yay! I have no debt owed to the effing Library! That has to be a bright spot). I don't know any other card holders. But I have had a library card on and off for many years and it was especially handy in college. It is a good place to find current books, DVD's and CD's. In fact, I can check out 20-30 CD's, bring them home, listen, discard the bad ones, download the good ones on my computer, slap them on my iPod and I have free new music!! It's so cool. However, there is a downside. That downside is...actually going to the library itself.

Why? Primarily it has the lost world vibe that Wal-Mart has, like there was no other place for these folks to be but at the library on a Saturday--vacant eyed street teeagers looking for a warm place to hang during an awful SLC winter; smelly bums that have no way to get to the local shelter who have to find a place to sort out all the stuff in their various plastic bags. They usually do this on the tables right outside the main library entrance, in the enclosed courtyard area. The homeless carry in these bags (in no particular order): cans of soup, plastic water bottles, towels, tissues, strangely wrapped food items and other things that I dare not gaze upon. Suffice it to say, the library has its share of transigent customers. God help them. I can only give them a dollar and wish them well.

Other fellow library visitors include the harassed mother dragging an elementary school age kid around looking for books relating to whatever book report is currently due; young, spastic idiot teenage lovers (again with the teenage denizens--they are ubiquitous, no doubt about it. But, I think I probably copped a feel somewhere in the S or T aisle of the Orem library back in the day so I wish them no ill will. Sorry mom, it's the truth). These couples hang in one place and never move. Also, the heavy open mouth breathers, usually tall, overweight guys, who probably have no other important place to be and are looking for the entire Battlestar Galactica series on DVD so they can have something to look forward to on the rest of their lonely, gray and carbohydrate and soda laced weekends. Their skin color is also always bad. I try to manuever around these behemoths but they are surprisngly quick and agile once they see a title on the shelf that they must have. My advice is avoid them.

My favorite person to visit at the library however is the Check Out Person. You know how you can just tell a person doesn't want to be somewhere and they project that vibe about 100 yards before you ever get close to them? The Check Out Person gives off this vibe like the burning hot rays of 10,000 suns. THEY-HATE-THEIR-LIFE. And I would too if my whole work shift consisted of doing the same, lame, repetitive, soul destroying, mind numbing tedious task eight hours a day...holy shit. THEY ARE ME! I AM THEM!

I digress.

Anyway, this person does not say hi. Or if they say anything at all, it's in a very wee, small and dry "library voice", kind of like hearing a butterfly fart. Almost inaudible. I say, in my normal voice, "Hi, how are you? Busy today, huh?" They look at me briefly, the corners of their mouth twitch slightly, and they go back to checking out each piece I have in my basket (Yes, I walk around the library with a basket. And I have a City Library bag so I don't have to use plastic bags to haul my rented treasure home. Screw you, I'm proud to be a nerd). Once they are done with the check out, the slide all my stuff to me and stare right into my eyeballs. At this point, they say nothing. They are waiting for me to clear the area so they can bless the next person with the crystal pure aura of their soul. I look right back. I wait just until it almost gets uncomfortable and just when they start to dart their eyes and realize that I may be The Most Obnoxious Patron Ever for just standing there, I get my goods, throw them in my bag and move on. "Have a good day!" I say, chuckling as I cruise past the detector doors.

As a footnote, the SLC Library is quite beautiful. It's new, it has a lot of stuff and when it's sunny, you can get a great cup of coffee (they have a stellar cafe in the Library) and sit at one of the outside tables enjoying downtown. They also have a flower shop, used book shop, antique shop, art gallery, toy shop, and a comic book store which is supposedly one of the best in the state. They also have an auditorium where they hold seminars with titles like, "The Great Western Migration of the Horn Billed Swallow and the Future of Its Nesting Environs." Wow, score.

The Library + My Library Peeps = Good Times!

Depression; Baroness

2009-05-01T22:36:00.007-06:00

Depression

Jil and I just finished a book called Darkness Visible by William Styron. Shellie gave it to Jil for her birthday. It is an account of Styron’s period of depression around 1985, at about the same time he won a prestigious literary reward from France. (For reference Styron wrote Sophie’s Choice and won the Pulitzer for The Confessions of Nat Turner).

This book was incredibly enlightening for me. I won’t speak for Jil although I know she really connected with Styron, but all I can say for my experience reading it is this: no one but the depressed understands depression. One of Styron’s complaints about depression is about the label “depression”. According to his thinking, depression in no way accurately describes the turmoil taking place in the mind. He feels that naming depression something more accurate would increase a universally more sympathetic response to those afflicted with it. His preference would be “brainstorm”—that there is quite literally a confluence of opposing forces colliding in the mind that create such upheaval and disruption that it can only be compared to a violent storm of the brain.

How many of us have said to someone who is depressed, “Just get over it?” or “It will pass?” Or “We’re all depressed, get in line” (one of my personal favorite retorts that I’ve inflicted on both my ex-wife and Jil)? I realize now that I don’t understand it because I’ve never had it. My ex used to say that depression made her think suicidal thoughts and that religion offered her no relief whatsoever in finding comfort. In fact, religion and its belief in an after life made her even more depressed. She wanted to die and not exist in any form, spiritual or otherwise. Such is the effect this brainstorm can create.

Jil has found a current marketing campaign going on around SLC particularly affecting. The ad states, "You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to just 'Get over it'. Depression is real."

Depression can be overcome and it can go away. Styron found relief in finally sequestering himself away into a hospital where he was able to minimize any outside stimuli. Over a period of months, the storm subsided and he was able to move forward with his life (he passed away in 2006, not by his own hand as so many artists do. This was another fascinating part of the book—the link between great art and depression). So there is hope for those who suffer from depression, either through medication or time or both. I believe now it is not something to be trifled with or brushed aside as I have so often done in the past. It is real and it can be devastating.

An excerpt from Darkness Visible:

‘In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come—not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying—or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity—but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one’s bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes. And this results in a striking experience—one which I have called, borrowing military terminology, the situation of the walking wounded. For in virtually any other serious sickness, a patient who felt similar devastation would be lying flat in bed, possibly sedated and hooked up to the tubes and wires of life-support systems, but at the very least in a posture of repose and in an isolated setting. His invalidism would be necessary, unquestioned and honorably attained. However, the sufferer from depression has no such option and therefore finds himself, like a walking casualty of war, thrust into the most intolerable social and family situations. There he must, despite the anguish devouring his brain, present a face approximating the one that is associated with ordinary events and companionship. He must try to utter small talk, and be responsive to questions, and knowingly nod and frown and, God help him, even smile. But it is a fierce trial attempting to speak a few simple words. '

Baroness: the real metal deal

These guys are the real deal for classic metal. Heavy like Sabbath, melodic like Zeppelin, this band will not disappoint. All four members are from Virginia but currently reside in Georgia and bring an epic-minded sensibility to their songs that make them seem both immediate to the music scene now and also timeless, like they hail from another era. This is not stoner rock like The Sword, as good as that band is, but more nuanced and actually with a better lead vocalist. I have played their latest CD "Red Album" countless times through and still find new things to listen to each time. Awesome. They are in the Playlist.

The Horrors and Happiness is found...somewhere.

2009-04-30T18:24:00.008-06:00

The Horrors

The Horrors are a band from the UK that have a new CD coming out May 4. They are a typical garage band with a dark, morbid dynamic to most of their songs. One of the creepiest music videos by any band I've seen is The Horrors "She Is The New Thing", which you can watch here at YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTgOe9Uda54

It is the best 3 1/2 minute 'horror' movie you will see. You have to stay till the end because that's when everyone dies. It's very cool. I've included some tunes from the Horrors in the Playlist. You'll probably hate them. I don't. They are scary good.

Happiness

I read an article at The Huffington Post recently that said the one common denominator that people attribute to happiness in their lives is staying connected to your past. Primarily it starts with being connected to family, then friends, then past lovers, extended family and so on. And also remaining close to places you lived, major events in your life and the people that were a part of them. Obviously the most painful events in one's past life may have to be avoided but the point is clear: being an island and ignoring your past equals unhappiness (this is from the article).

While I can see the most obvious strength of this argument, staying close to family, it begs the question: what if you're not close to your family? I'm close with my family so I have no worries. But if you're not, if you're estranged, and alienated for whatever reason, where can you connect with your past that will somehow infuse the present with an elixir of joy? And what of the past, some of which should rightly stay in the past? Don't we need to move on from things? Get over them, forget them, sweep them under the rug and keep going?

Here is where I think the article and my own happiness intersect: I have certain family codes (picking up from a previous post) that I attempt to adhere to:

Jil and Gabe come first, no exceptions.
If some member of your family offends you, tell them, patch it up and move on quickly.
Don't be surprised at being offended by your family--it's their job. If we had our choice of people to hang with, we'd all be off living as closely as possible to the coolest people on the planet: Metallica, the Boston Red Sox, Neil Young, Lance Armstrong, the cast from Rescue Me and the people who made Brokeback Mountain, Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler. But, we are stuck with each other so get over your family offending you.
Important events need to be respected and so do family traditions. There is a reason two of my very favorite memories are: going to Willow Creek Country Club for the Christmas Party with Mom and Dad's friends and going to the cabin every summer. This is being connected to your past and keeping those activities alive.
Reed Tucker is gay. (Not to offend gay people; it's just that one of our traditions is a holiday party with the Tuckers and Reed called me out so I'm punking him back).
Oh, and Reed is also a little bitch.

One more note about whether being connected to your past equals happiness: in the movie Magnolia, a theme that runs through that movie is the saying: "You may be done with the past but the past is not done with you." I love to dwell on this saying from time to time because it always amazes me how not dealing effectively with the present can so often totally jack up your future and keep you seemingly forever rooted in a poor decision you made in the past (hello current financial mess).

Be careful what you connect to in the past and if it's good, it should make you happy.

At least this is what my therapist tells me.

Jil + Keith Urban = True Love; Gabe is mad (again!); Mott the Hoople

2009-04-27T19:35:00.011-06:00

I Love Keith Urban by Jil Goorman

I never knew who Keith Urban was until Joanne gave us the Live 8 DVD at Christmas four years ago. The minute he came on, we had to keep playing it over and over. I thought, "Oh my hell, who is this guy?" And then we kept rewinding and watching it (note from the Editor: I watched it twice and then was over it. He is super dreamy though). And Gabe was excited too and loved to watch Keith play his guitar. I do not like country but Keith is the exception. He is rock-country and he...is so beautiful. I want to be born again and be Nicole Kidman.

I also have his new album thanks to Shellie and Jeff and I am in love once again.

Gabe's 5th Grade Rant

There is a kid named Spencer who sits behind me in class and he is going to get his clock cleaned--this kid annoys me every day. Every one says its my fault and I shouldn't pay attention to him but it's hard not to. Today, he came up and he has anger issues and he got in my face and I said, "Next time you do that you're going to get your clock cleaned." And I guess we'll see what will happen tomorrow.

PS: I wouldn't really hit him or anything but I will get mad.

Lost Classic: Mott by Mott the Hoople

One CD I've been really enjoying this past month is Mott by Mott the Hoople. Made in 1974 and one year after they scored with the David Bowie hit "All the Young Dudes", Rolling Stone at one point said this album was "the best album of the early seventies made by one of the best bands of the early seventies." Take that for what it's worth because Rolling Stone also dissed every Led Zep album made. However, in this case, they are right on. This is straight ahead classic rock with tunes you will keep humming over and over. Ian Hunter and Mick Ralphs, who would go on to help form Bad Company, penned most of the songs and they are full of rock star disappointment, fame regret and the brutal nature of making a living making music. Check the Playlist for more.

Mott the Hoople

Why Be Nice?

2009-04-22T22:05:00.006-06:00

So, I've been having these random conversations with a local recruiter. He is currently getting about 100 resumes a day and jobs are sorta scarce. A nice enough guy and we talk about every three weeks or so. Yesterday I called him at my lunch hour and he said, "Hey, Phil, call me back on your way home. I have something that is PERFECT for you." Sweet! I thought. I haven't had even a nibble on any new job prospects for four months and he sounded genuinely enthusiastic to have me call him. His normal tone is somewhat mellow so any kind of excitement must mean...he has some good news to share.

The afternoon dragged on like Paula Abdul rating the latest Idol contestant and finally, at 5:05pm, I rang up this recruiter dude. Let's call him...Paul. Cause that's his name. Paul. Paul the Recruiter. He sounds excited (again!) to hear from me and immediately launches into this new job opportunity. He asks me if I've heard of a company called Dubli. I say no. He then proceeds to tell me it's like Ebay but kind of a reverse auction deal where each time a person bids on an item, the item goes down in price. I had a hard time following this part because I always thought high demand equaled an ever escalating price, but, I'm no econ whiz so I just listened. He tells me how great the company is, that it started in October, that it's really "taking off" and all of a sudden, my network marketing/multi level marketing bullshit detector goes off.

"Is this guy really trying to sell me on a new multi level company? No. No way. He's a recruiter for shit sakes, he has to look for a job for me, find a company that wants someone like me and that can use my talents and pay me what I'm worth. It's now all about him. He is wrangling me in with this ridiculous pitch on some multi level company that is going to eventually require I buy in with a sizable monetary investment."

Such were my thoughts. I actually couldn't believe it. And he kept going on. How the founder made "$98,000 in six months! Can you believe that Phil?" No Paul, I can't believe that. Paul the Recruiter was quickly becoming Paul the D-Bag. I tried to steer him off the subject and back to other companies that were perhaps hiring and he kept brushing by it. I tried to be NICE. Like, no thanks Paul, not for me. And then, like a cold shot of vodka straight from the fridge but without the alcohol and subsequent happy, warm feeling, he hit me with this: "Phil, you can buy into this for only $3,000.00. Or, you could even start smaller, like in the $800 range and that could get you a nice supplemental income until it really started to take off." Oh gee, only Three Grand, eh Paul the Dumbfuck? Wow, sounds awesome. Let me say Paul the Penis Head, if I had Three Grand, I WOULD BUY A NEW FUCKING BIKE ASSHOLE!!!!. AND, I WOULDN'T NEED YOU BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE A JOB THAT PAID ME MORE THAN WHAT I MAKE NOW!!!!

But, I didn't say this. I was NICE. Polite. Mannered. Well mannered, just like I tell Gabe to be. Because, and this has mostly been proven, being nice gets you things. Anyone who has travelled even a little bit realizes quickly that you get much further with agents, baggage handlers, custom folk and all their ilk by being a nice person no matter how bad the situation. But Paul was pushing me. And I could feel an anger coming on. What to do?

I finally agreed to let him send me an email that described the company, Dubli, and what it does and the marketing program and blah blah, big whoop dee doo. He was stoked. "I'll send it right over Phil. Take a look at it. And, oh yeah, if a sales job comes up, I'll let you know." So what did I get for being nice?

Junk email from Paul the Cornhole.

Why be nice?????

Marcie the Spin Instructor -- John C. Reilly -- Kings of Leon

2009-04-16T18:39:00.004-06:00

Kings of Leon

These guys currently reside in Nashville where they spearheaded a rock revival in the early '00s, playing and writing music that deftly looked back to an era of southern rock and roots but making a distinct sound all their own. They are comprised of the three Followill brothers and a friend, with the brothers having been heavily influenced by the travelling childhood they spent with their Pentecostal preacher father as he dragged them all over the heartland setting up tent revivals. Excellent band with four albums and an EP to their credit--they are the featured band in the Playlist.

Movie Marathon Suggestion: The Movies of John C. Reilly

Here’s something fun to do while the weather totally sucks and keeps you captive: a movie marathon with John C. Reilly. I first saw him in Magnolia where he played Jim, an L.A. cop, who is looking for companionship and finally finds it with Melora Walters, cocaine snorting child abuse victim. He is also Mark Wahlberg’s wing man in Boogie Nights and has one of the best facial expressions ever caught on film—he does a front flip into a swimming pool and lands squarely on his back. The camera catches him underwater and that face is why I dig this guy. He is also in Ricky Bobby: Talladega Nights (“No Ricky Bobby, NOOOO!!!”), Hard Eight, Step Brothers, and my most recent favorite role, Dewey Cox in Walk Hard. I would suggest watching Walk Hard again if you haven’t seen it already. The best satirical movie in the past couple of years by far. His duet with that chick from The Office had me rolling. Reilly has the best clueless face of any actor and he can also play it straight when he chooses (Gangs of New York for one).

Marcie My New Spin Instructor

Robert, the spin instructor on Thursdays whom I’ve written about previously, got fired. I didn’t go to his class anymore anyway because he was terrible. My new instructor on Tuesday mornings (that’s 5:45 in the a.m.) is Marcie. Marcie weighs 90 lbs., has probably a negative body fat ratio and possesses a really loud voice. She is late twenties/early thirties and recently just upgraded her road bike to a newer model. This is a foreign concept for me since I haven’t had a bike upgrade since 2002 but the fact that she bikes outside is a very good sign. She is super nice and is always helping spin class newbies get situated with their set up. Her music selection is also passable: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stevie Nicks, Blue October and weird Brazilian stuff that’s fun when you’re pedaling.

I like Marcie. She says things to her class like, “You are stronger than you think you are!” and “This is your hour to be better than you’ve ever been!”, and “What you are on the inside makes what you are on the outside---and on the outside you’re beautiful!!” I usually hate this kind of cliché riddled rubbish during my workouts because it’s just distracting and unhelpful. But Marcie makes is work with the delivery. She says these platitudes with a loud, commanding voice and it keeps you going.

You could do worse than to hear personal philosophy from a spin instructor yet I find the fact that she is not afraid to say these things comforting. Why don’t we share our personal mottos or creeds with other people? There is real knowledge, and of the helpful kind, to be gained when you listen to someone discuss the guiding principles that steer their life. This is different than advice, most of which I consider to be poorly thought out and just as easily thrown out. A personal code is different: you have learned, through experience, these few things really work for you and increase your chances that living on this planet will be a more enjoyable endeavor.
My code would be these few items:

· No matter how dark the mood, how bad the day or how rotten the situation, I’ve always found a certain song, movie, or book will lighten it.
· Be a consistent parent with consequences. However, children are innocent and are constantly demanding justice; adults are flawed and seem to always be looking for mercy. In this dichotomy lies the prime paradox of parenthood.
· No excuse for ignorance.
· Working out is always a good use of time.
· Call your mom and dad.
· Tell your spouse she’s beautiful. And mean it.

I’m still working out my personal financial code and when that is figured out, I will be very happy. The financial code that is NOT working for me right now is:

· If you can’t afford it, charge it.
· If it’s shiny, buy it.
· If you’re sad, buy yourself something.
· Don’t tell your spouse about your financial shenanigans.
· What is this cash that you speak of?

Anyway, my spin instructor is top notch. Yay Marcie!

The Masters: Golf Porn! Gabe Disses Phil Big Time! Band/Artist of the Week

2009-04-11T02:30:00.012-06:00

The Masters: Take It All Off!

The introduction to the Masters on Thursday was done by Harry Connick Jr. It was filled with phrases like "renewal of rituals", "rites of spring" "magic in the magnolias" and very lusty words such as "verdant" "bountiful" and "lush". After watching it I felt kind of dirty, like I just watched someone do it on a golf course. A very beautiful golf course, no doubt, but all the same I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I watched images of flying bees, lifting off the stamen of pregnant, gorgeous flowers, their sweet nectar juices...see? I can't help it either, this tournament just makes you want to say really sexy things about it. And the super long, longing camera looks at blinding white sand and every angle imaginable of really tall pine trees. Listen, golf is as much in my blood as blood itself, and even I have to just chuckle at how heavy with TRADITION and how TIMELESS and UNBELIEVABLY GRAND this whole show is. Jim Nantz, one of my favorite sports reporters, just about shoots in his plaid pants every time some player walks down a fairway, crosses THE BRIDGE ON NO. 12 or leans mightily on their golf club and just takes in the complete atmosphere. He almost whispers every time he speaks during this tourney, as if the guys can hear him way up in his cozy broadcast booth. Such is THE MASTERS, golf porn at its best. And where will I be this Sunday? On my couch, staring at the most luscious golf course ever built, with a box of tissues at the ready.

Brought down low by my stepson

The opportunities that I have to look cool in front of my son and wife are very few and far between. Not that I go around looking uncool but a scenario rarely arises where I can show a different, more "take charge" side of personality. I'm usually just the worker bee making coffee, making lunch, taking out trash, washing a car or two, rearranging the garage and so forth. However, earlier this week, such a situation arose and it was perfect: I went outside to get the lawnmower started for Jil. She loves mowing the lawn and hey, more power to her. I checked the spark plug, the filter, the oil level and all was good. Full of gas it started up after just a few pulls. Feeling good I looked around for some other manly shit I could do when all of a sudden, we both heard a POP! I looked towards the street and a Ford Explorer has tried to make a u-turn on 13th East, right in front of our house. The tire hit our curb and basically blew apart. Driving this car was a 19-20 year old female who immediately backed up and tried to keep going. No way. Tire was toast.

"Ah hah!" I thought. "This is awesome. I'm going to make this girl's day by being a really good guy and getting that tire changed." I walked out to the curb and took charge: I directed her how to pull into the driveway to prevent further tire damage, I introduced myself as The Freakin' Stud of the Block (her name was Samantha) and she gazed at me like I was an angel sent from Pep Boy Heaven. Jil kind of looked over at me, figured I had it under control, and went back to mowing the lawn. At this point, Samantha decided to call her boyfriend to come help. Whatever my dear, I thought, this is going to get handled, THIS SHIT IS GOING TO GET WORKED BY COSTANZA!! I was in position, I had located her tire jack (oops, back to Masters porn, sorry, I'll stop now) and I was busy jacking up the front end. Just then her boyfriend shows up with his buddy and he proceeds to jump in to help. His name is Chase. "It's all good my man", I say. "I'm taking care of business so just hand me the tire iron and stay out of the way. This is a man's game bitch!" I didn't really say this but I really wanted to. Chase was really nice by the way.

So, the spare tire is extracted from under the Explorer, the jack is doing it's job, I am busy unscrewing lug nuts to get the shredded tire off, all my peeps are around me watching and even my wife is kind of looking on to see how cool this all is, when who should appear?

Gabe.

Just like Bart Simpson, he rolls up on his skateboard after being at his friend's house and surveys the whole scene in 2 seconds. With a voice loud enough for God to hear, he says:

"Phil! What are you doing? YOU CAN'T CHANGE A TIRE!"

The girl all of sudden looks at me, stunned. Chase looks at his feet. His buddy starts texting and Jil begins to chuckle. Gabe continues:

"Seriously, what is going on? Are you going to change that tire? What happened? How do you know how to do this? Are the police coming?"

Mortified, ashamed and beaten down, I sigh heavily and continue with my manly charade destroyed. 13 minutes later the tire is changed, the lawn is mowed, Gabe has forgotten the whole thing and I'm on the phone to my therapist.

Scoreboard: Phil O, Gabe 1

Artist of the Week/Band of the Week

Just like a hot Krispy Kreme donut, Robyn is all sugar, warmth and full of empty calories. I'm fatally attracted to this Abba-like rubbish but she has some very catchy tunes. She hails from Sweden and is currently in the throes of a pop makeover: she began at age 12, had her first album at 17, was going to tour with the Backstreet Boys but had some health issues. She's also had major label complications but that hasn't stopped her. Released in spring of '08, Robyn is full of three to four minute pop tunes that you cannot get out of your head. More minimalist than her girly counterparts, she has some grit to her tunes that keep you coming back for more. A guilty pleasure no doubt but that doesn't make her any less enjoyable.

She also had a no. 1 hit in the UK with "With Every Heartbeat" which is in the Playlist.

Weird cover art = cool sounds inside!!!

Mastodon is the Band of the Week and they come from Atlanta, GA. Founded by Brann Dailor, possibly the best heavy drummer around, Mastodon are exactly what the name implies: heavy, massive and punishing. They are stoner rock at its finest with a lot of Yes, Rush and Iron Maiden thrown in. And a little Slayer. This is the meat and potatoes you need after binging on Robyn. Their new CD is called Crack the Skye, which is a mystical tale revolving around Rasputin, astral time travel and other weird, proggy nonesense. But it works. They are in the second half of the Playlist.

AC/DC vs The Eagles

2009-04-08T19:29:00.003-06:00

Winners!

Not so much!

AC/DC vs. The Eagles

On a recent trip to Moab, I made a comment to my travelling companions, Larry Tucker and Ryan Brooks, that I couldn’t imagine being friends with anyone who didn’t like AC/DC. Every one I know and associate with likes AC/DC. What’s not to like? They rock like no other, they’re funny, they have songs you can sing to and they are the ultimate party band. Both of them agreed but then they abruptly turned the tables on me. Brooks said: “Wait, you hate the Eagles, we like the Eagles, but both of us still hang around you. What’s the difference?”

You don’t have to question whether or not you like AC/DC. Once you hear one of their songs, you are all in. You know what kind of a ride you are in for. You are on the Highway to Hell or you are Back in Black or you are all about Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. It’s so simple and so good. My good friend and relative Steve Mitchell cites Powerage as his fave AC/DC album. That is a good one. My personal fave is Highway to Hell. A classic is a classic for a reason.

Now, when you hear The Eagles, you have a couple of responses. Apathy comes to mind. Boredom and sleep are common themes I hear from like minded Eagles-abstaining friends and neighbors. You have to try to like most Eagles songs. How many times do you have to hear Witchy Woman before you realize you just aren’t into the song? It doesn’t offend you because the Eagles could never be offensive. She’s a witchy woman. Wow, deep. She sucks. She’s evil. Nice insight Don Henley. You know these guys ruined Joe Walsh. Joe Walsh was The Man in 1974: James Gang and then right on to a perfect solo career. Rocky Mountain Way, But Seriously Folks and so many cool albums. He then joined the Eagles and they quickly tamed him into Adult Contemporary submission. Poor guy.

So, when you are down and out, when you need a hand, when life gets you down, where are you going to turn?

Exactly.

For Those About to Rock, We Effing Salute You.

Kurt Cobain put a bullet in his head 15 years ago today.

2009-04-06T19:50:00.006-06:00

KURT COBAIN

15 years ago today Kurt Cobain decided he'd had enough. He went up to the green house in his home, grabbed his 12 gauge and promptly took half of his head off with one shot.

Why? Why the hell would he do this? He had these things going for him, in no particular order: wife, baby, money, a great band (Dave Grohl is your drummer!!) and the adoration of millions. Along with this he had the tremendous pressure, perceived by Kurt or not, as the pied piper of the grunge movement but really, he became more like one of the pillars of music in its entirety. People talk about Kurt along with other icons such as Jimi, Jim, Janice and Bob (as in Marley). No doubt music would be different today if he hadn't come along. The quiet, loud, quiet pacing of his songs was basically set in template by Nirvana and has been copied countlessly since. His songwriting was excellent, his arranging skills were better and his band sold the whole thing perfectly. (Listen to Smells Like Teen Spirit again and imagine that song without Dave Grohl bringing in the whole first four measures with that drum intro).

Personally, I remember driving on 9th East and 53rd South, in 1992, a few weeks after Nevermind came out, and the first single came on the radio. It got my attention immediately and it was actually a little difficult to listen to, especially at the end, with Kurt yelling "oh denial" about 10 times at the top of his lungs. But I got the point. This guy had something to say. And as I bought all of Nirvana's music, I quickly became a lifelong fan.

Which brings me to the point: this guy's childhood was awful. Read this book and you will get an insight into a young kid's life filled with abuse, neglect, bad divorce, abandonment and intense loneliness.

Heavier Than Heaven by Charles Cross

However, he would not have made the kind of music that influenced countless millions without that childhood. His early pain equalled later genius. Do I wish he would have had a normal childhood and thus never made four classic albums? That he basically gave his life for music that will be listented to well beyond the day of his death?

Is there ever a sweet spot for artists like this? A point where they temper the fame and demands and still make music that brings about sea change? All I know is I will still play his songs and still sing along and wish he was still around. What else is there?

Bike Trip to Moab; Wolf vs. Stoned Girl; Band of the Week

2009-04-04T19:35:00.010-06:00

Angus, Wolf, Riley, Brooks, Crash Madsen

We had another epic Puppet Master Bike Trip last weekend to Moab. The usual suspects attended: Larry, Riley, Ryan, Dave, and Phil. We were missing one important and illustrious member. His initials are AP and he drives a 53' trailer around town, in which he keeps his wife and children captve. He has been warned by the Puppet Master (Larry) that if this kind of behavior continues, he will be going the way of former PM members such as Stretch Murdock.

Top of Pocupine Rim. We had to battle to the death with many UNICYCLISTS. They were having some kind of one-wheeled rally on the very trail we were riding on Saturday. Wolf gave them respect and told all of them they were winners as he rode by. Riley, Dave, Brooks and I sped past the uni-tards and called them out for what they really were: Circus Boys in Training. (With no disrespect to Circus Boy and Hurricane, whose unicycle skills are used appropriately and judiciously in the Manti 4th of July parade.)

This is the Happiest Club in Moab. Larry is showing off his battered and scarred knees to the sunshine while the rest of us are just maxin' and relaxin'. BTW: The Wolf's knees are heretofore known as The Monster Baby Heads.

Riley and Phil on a lovely ride in the slickrock desert. We both had moments of spiritual clarity on this ride. You really had to be there.

Dude with the camera: Dave Madsen

The Wolf vs. The Stoned Uranium Bicycle Girl

So, we had a funny episode in the life of the Wolf down in Moab. Why this is funny is because these kinds of stories always seem to involve the Puppet Master and the rest of us get to watch in amusement. Wolf gets himself into these dilemmas because he is the nicest guy in the world and also the one with the shortest patience. Now, having to battle these two conflicting behaviors his whole life, the Wolf has certain little tics and mannerisms that tip all of us off as to what kind of mood he in, once these traits begin to clash. Hence the tale of, Wolf and the Stoned Girl at the Bike Shop:

Scene: The Wolf (W) walks into this bike shop on Main Street in Moab and proceeds to ask the first person he sees about a trail we want to ride. This person happens to be Stoned Girl (SG):

W: Hi, how are you?

SG: Hi!....(she pauses, eyes very glassy and wide, and she looks at all of us and then attempts to focus on Larry).

W: Hi...um, do you know if the Upper Porcupine Section is open to ride?

SG: Hi!.....Ummm....the Lower Porcupine Section is awesome! I rode it yesterday!

W: Oh cool, that's good to know. What about the Upper Section, you know, is there any snow on the trail?

SG: Hi!....(she proceeds to walk over to the counter, pick up a plastic jug of water and hastily takes a large gulp to curb the oncoming cotton mouth that will eventually render her almost unable to speak).

W: Okaaaay. (The Wolf has now gone from hands in his pockets to his arms folded and his stance has now widened. What this means is the Wolf is deciding on whether to keep talking to this person, who he is quickly perceiving to be kind of an idiot, and doing it in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings...too badly). Is there someone here who knows if the upper part can be ridden?

Bike Mechanic Guy with Bad Hair (he happens to be wheeling a bike by and overhears the last 10 seconds of this conversation): Uh, yeah, the Upper is just dusted with snow but should be ok to ride. No worries.

SG (as she now looks at Larry like she's seeing him for the first time): Oh, the Upper part, yeah, it has snow on it.

(Now, Bike Mechanic guy is off helping someone else clearly leaving no one for Wolf to talk to except Stoned Girl).

W: Ok, so, is it rideable on the upper part? He just said there was snow. How much snow? Did it snow there last night? Are people riding it this morning? Are you guys taking riders on your shuttle to the Upper Parking Area? (Folks, this is CLASSIC Wolf behavior. If he senses you don't understand him or didn't hear him, he rapid fires several questions at you to get your attention. If you can anwer one of them correctly, you will not get the Wolf Stare followed by the Half Wolf Laugh, the Wide Wolf Eyes and the Wolf Turning His Head to Look Around Him to Make Sure He's Not Getting Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.)

SG: Um, yeah, that upper part is killer when the trail is good. Great descents and gnarly turns. (pause). Are you guys going up there?

W (clearly exasperated now, not knowing where to go from here, he looks around for his posse for back up. However, his posse want no part of the Stoned Girl's action and we are all in various parts of the store stifling laughs and smart ass comments): Okay, here is what I need to know: can we drive up to the Upper Parking area of Porcupine Rim and ride the UPS trail today? Right now?

SG: Oh yeah, all the snow is gone. You guys will have a killer time.

W (with the fakest smile known to man): Great. Thanks. Have a nice day.

Band of the Week

This feature was suggested to me by my main man Ryan Brooks as we were travelling down to Moab and we were all creating our On-The-Go playlists on the iPods. He said it would be nice to know of different bands from different genres that he had not heard of previously. This way, he doesn't have to do any of the research or legwork but can just download the tunes right from his computer knowing that if a band made Band of the Week, they must be good.

OK, here we go. Oh, and they will be in the Playlist so you can sample their music. This week's BOTW is:

EDITORS

These four guys from Birmingham, England, have had many comparisons to The Cure, Interpol, Echo & the Bunnymen and Joy Division. I love all the aforementioned bands but what makes Editors stand out is the immediate connection you can make with their songs. They formed in 2003 and put out their most recent album in 2007 called An End Has a Start. They are completely obsessed with the Big Themes of Life: living, dying, leaving loved ones behind and finding meaning in any of it. As dark as they appear, they are sublimely optimistic and tragic simultaneously. Have a listen and enjoy: Editors.

PS: they do covers of R.E.M and The Cure which I've included in the Playlist. If you want to try just one Editors song, skip to Smokers Outside Hospital Doors.

The 5th Grade Rant! Jil's Beauty Tip!

2009-03-25T18:52:00.004-06:00

Kayden: A Jerk Face Monkey

Kayden is annoying. At first, I may have told this story, of Kayden going home sick after a sleep over. Kayden doesn't like me being friends with his brother Landon. Now, yesterday, he came up in my face, being annoying and in my face. And then he said, why is your scalp green? And I said, because of St. Patrick's Day. What I should have come back with was, quit looking at my hair you freak, you're not my girlfriend. But instead I got all pissed off and went inside and was furious, I've never been so mad in my life. I kicked a dang wall and it felt like I broke my foot, at first. But then I saw it was just a bruise. Now today, Kayden came up to me and tried to talk to me and I just walked away. Now I hope he realizes what he's done so he will shut up and stop it.

Jil's Professional, Exceptional, Transistional Beauty Tip of the Week

Get plenty of sleep. Like, lots of it. As much as possible.

My friend at work and our weird Wal-Mart connection

2009-03-23T19:38:00.003-06:00

I work in an office that looks very similar to The Office, only slightly bigger. We have a break room with fridges, microwaves, tables, chairs, etc. Around my fourth month of working at my office, I notice that every morning around 8am, a smallish, 40 something Asian woman is standing right in front of the coffee pot. She is either making coffee or getting coffee or cleaning up coffee spills. Her coffee cup is a Christmas coffee cup, green with red stripes. This cup does not change even though the holiday comes and goes. I find out her name is Kristin and she is an accountant in our office. She is really nice and she makes great lunches, like today when she made a homemade meatball sandwich in the breakroom and it smelled like any one of the restaurants in The Sopranos, because if you watch that show, you get hungry and imagine the wonderful smells coming from all the restaurants Tony and his crew visit. Also, she does make a decent cup of coffee so her cooking skills are unquestioned.

But I digress.

I started saying hello to her and she said hello to me and we quickly fell into that smooth rut of all office relationships: the "hi, how are you (smile, act pleasant)? You're nice but I don't want to spend any of my valuable time talking to you because what could we possibly talk about?" This is the type of relationship that keeps all offices well oiled. Lots of superficial, polite banter that doesn't jack up your day.

So, one weekend about a month ago, I am at Wal-Mart and I run into Kristin. I have my grocery cart half full and she has a carry basket, kind of half full. She acts very surprised, like, holy dogshit, what are YOU doing here? Which is weird because it's a store, I need food for my family, we're in a recession, where else are you gonna shop? We talk for a few moments and the one honest, true sentiment that both of us reveal is...we both like to shop at Wal-Mart on Sunday mornings because it's not very busy. This one kernal of no bullshit, straight up, human-to-human truthful behavior is now the absolute building block for my budding relationship with Kristin. Because now, whenever I see her, what do you think she asks? Anyone?

"DID YOU GO TO WAL-MART ON SUNDAY? HOW WAS IT? WAS IT BUSY?"

Oh my gawd, our level of communication just went from nice and polite to completely effing awkward. What way can one respond to this other than, "Uh, yeah, I did go and it was ok." Or maybe a slight variation on this, like, "Um, no, didn't make it, I will have to go on Monday." And then after this, after we have BROKEN THE RULE OF THE OFFICE RELATIONSHIP BY BEING HONEST, we have nowhere else to go. We just look at each other, smile, glance away, shuffle our feet, and then try to move on to our desks with a minimum of effort and activity, so as not exacerbate the whole bizarre encounter by gesticulating or adding any other conversational nuggets. It is so brutal. And she is SO nice. What now? Where do Kristin and I go from here?

More Stuff on Cats! Gabe explains BMX! The train wreck that is Paula Abdul! Jil makes You Beautiful!

2009-03-18T19:29:00.010-06:00

Dakota Roche, table top

Gabe's Favorite BMX Rider

My favorite BMX rider Dakota Roche. He is from South Carolina, I think (Editors note: Dakota is actually from Huntington Beach, CA). I have a movie called Insight and one of the people in this movie, it's a BMX movie, is Dakota Roche. I like him because he is more of a mellow guy and not so crazy and he's a gutsy guy and has a lot of tricks in his book. He was basically the star of this movie because he is really, really, really good. The coolest trick I've seen him do is a table top.

Jil's Beauty Tip: Keep your teeth white!

You should see a professional (like me) every 3 months for a professional teeth whitening. Use Listerine Whitening Pre Rinse prior to brushing your teeth or after you have had coffee, dark soda, smokes or red wine. It will keep your teeth from being stained. Also, drink your coffee and dark sodas and red wine out of a straw (Editors note: stained teeth are a small price to pay for not using a straw while drinking scalding hot coffee, Jack and Coke and lovely red wine).

More STUFF ON CATS!

Sassy soaked to the skin

Say hello to my little friends!

Whitey needing Costanza's blog very badly

Mookie, the Mardi Gras mascot

I would address you humans, but, you zee, I a French kitty and I must look upon you with disdain and contempt. Plus, I am smoking an unfiltered cigarette which is very difficult to do with my wee kitty lungs.

Voo's perfect cat companion

That's where all the remotes went...

And finally, a quick dispatch from the front lines of American Idol: this just in, Paula Abdul is the Train Wreck of the Year (so far).

Is it the fake tan, the weird, alien-like smile or just the absolute bizarre behavior? Jil and I think she is a Xanax/upper catastrophe. Only someone on good drugs can stutter, stammer, stand up, sit down and slap Cowell on the arm all at the same time. She makes epileptics look mellow. We all know she is the "Champion of Everyone" and wants all the contestants to be winners. And to be fair, Simon should shut up and let her speak. But I totally get where he's coming from. She needs to...Speak! She just stalls, smiles, looks down, look sideways and then closes her mouth and talks out of the corner of it. My favorite Paula moment is when the music overtakes her and she has to stand up and dance. Actually, I love this part. At least she's feeling it. Because with that many drugs flowing through your veins, it's hard to feel anything.

The Absurdity of Facebook: Hey, I'm Popular!!

2009-03-14T11:39:00.005-06:00

About six months ago I joined Facebook. Facebook is a social networking site that allows you to stay connected to people through the Facebook website. You can send messages to people, view their profile, post photos and send out stupid little gifts like a Cozy Coffee or Drink for a Friend. You can even "poke" someone, which just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I sent a poke to a friend of mine, Eric, and he poked me back. Seriously, I don't know what level our relationship is on now. Are we "poke" buddies? Am I now gay? When I see him next do we hug each other with a full, two armed hug? Do we shake hands and put our other arm arond each other, like the "Bro Hug"? Do we talk about how we "poked" each other? To make it even worse, you can "SuperPoke" somebody. What in the name of everything that is true and good is a Super Poke??? I don't think I've ever given a Super Poke or been Super Poked in my life. I can guarantee you this: if I have ever been the recepient of a Super Poke, I would surely have known about it or at least felt it. To make matters even more bizarre, this hasn't really improved my relationship with Eric. We don't talk any more frequently. I don't know any weird, crazy shit about him that I didn't know before. Well, other than he is always up for a "poke".

Another feauture on Facebook is that you can post comments on someone's Wall and can also send them messages. The comments on your Wall can be viewed by everyone and the messages are private. However, some people forget this and write things on other people's walls that are so personal and revealing that you sort of cringe when you read them. I read a Wall of another friend which described the birth of her son with all the details. I was eating but had to stop. I know birthing babies is sacred and all but keep it to yourself.

The other weird, weird thing on Facebook is the bubble that pops up when you go to your Home page that asks you, "What are you doing right now?" If you type in some stupid crap, like, I'm taking a crap, it immediately pops up and tells all of your "friends" that you are, indeed, getting personal with your home throne. Who wants to know that? Between the Super Poke and the invasive needling of the "What are you doing now?" bubble, I feel Super Violated.

Finally, Facebook keeps track of all your Friends and gives you a total. I have, as of today, about 128 Friends. These friends range from people I am very close to (Jil, Joey Watts, my therapist) to people I haven't thought about once in 20 years but went to high school with and now they are asking me how I am, what I'm doing, what I've been doing and who I've been doing. Like they care. Like I care that they need to know these things. Is my life enhanced? Is it fundamentally better? I reached out through the Facebook "Friend Finder" tool and located a close friend from college. I sent her a message, she replied back, I replied and then she...has not sent me anything for a week. What do I do now? How long should we "stay in touch?" Do I send her another message or wait for her to respond? Are we back to close friends or is this just a passing fancy that we will tire of? I told Jil about her because disclosing all friends on Facebook is pretty vital to keeping trust in your marriage. You can't go around Super Poking every one of your friends and expect your spouse to be down with it.

Verdict: Facebook is a Super Waste of Time and clutters up your brain with nonesense about people you couldn't give a fig about. Oh wait! I just got a message that someone wants me to join their Facebook cause....it is, "Save Water...Drink Wine!" YAY! Now that is a Facebook feature I can get behind!

Beauty Tip from Jil: MALES ONLY; Gabe's Rant; Phil's Spin Class sucks; Blown Speaker Update; Stuff on Cats

2009-03-11T19:33:00.010-06:00

JIL'S BEAUTY TIP OF THE WEEK: Nose Hair Maintenance for Men

First of all, make sure you use a professional for all your nose hair needs. You should have your nose hair waxed every 4-6 weeks, depending on how fast your nose hair grows. It is an easy and quick service that has little to no pain involved, unlike plucking hair from your nose. What I do is use a hard wax that is placed inside the nose, while warm, with a stick. Once the wax dries, after about one minute, then the stick is pulled out with the wax and the hair. In between visits, if you need to trim, use sterile, small scissors. By the way, your lady friend/wife/mistress/spouse does not like looking up into your nose full of hair. Get my drift?

GABE'S RANT OF THE WEEK: Friend drama

Kayden is drama because I'm inviting his brother Landon to LA for a trip and Kayden knows this. He doesn't BMX or skateboard but his brother does both. He would be totally bored if he went. So, he comes up to me and I've done so many nice things for him and he treats me like crap and blames everything on me. Today he came up to me and, well, first, Victoria, his friend, came up to me and said, "Kayden wants to talk to you." I said, "I'm in the middle of a basketball game." And then I went over there after recess and talked to him and he said he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore and never come over to his house again. I didn't really say anything because that's not fair to me, at all. He's causing WAY too much drama and I think he's jealous of his brother coming with me. I'm kind of sick of him. My dad is going to have to go over there sometime to talk to their Mom and set up the trip and I don't want to have him come bursting out of the room and have a fit and then have his Mom tell Landon he can't go on the trip and ruin the whole thing for me.

COSTANZA'S SPIN CLASS IS BREAKING HIS SPIRIT

First of all, winter blows. It forces you to make choices that you wouldn't make if the sun was out. One of these decisions involves going to the gym and participating in an hour long spin class. My Thursday night spin class at 7pm with Robert sucks. Big time. Here's why:

He has no enthusiasm. If you are a wannabe spin class instructor (like Bionic Wolf), the first quality you have to have is some energy or at least pretend to be happy to be there. Robert sucks big time because you can tell he would rather be parking his hairy, fat ass on the sofa for another round of American Idol. Or that could be me. Anyway, he brings nada to the excitement table.
He is not in shape. His front porch is bigger than mine even. It hangs over his tight black shorts and sits there, wandering around on the tops of his legs each time he pedals up and down. It moves around like jello. His effort when spinning is so weak that it does not get anyone interested in wanting to push themselves. He has confessed to everyone in the class that he only works out once a week--at spin class. Yay.
His voice. It's weak and feeble and when he speaks into the microphone, it sounds like he doesn't really want you to push yourself up some invisible, daunting mountain that you can envision with your eyes closed. His voice really conveys this sentiment: if you want to go ahead and nap while my large gut and I wheeze away up here in front of you, go ahead.
Finally, HIS MUSIC SUCKS. BIG TIME. Who wants to spin to the Bond Girls? They play violins with an electronic beat behind them. Awful. He plays their whole stinking album. Brutal. He finishes up each class with Enya. Oh goody. Let's get all stretchy to the lamest new age artist to ever fog a mirror.

Robert, I pray for sun so I don't have to suffer through your horrendous class any more. Go see my wife now and get your back waxed.

BLOWN SPEAKER UPDATE:

Still blown. Misery.

STUFF ON CATS: Alright, people check it out. The perfect use for a dormant cat is...putting random stuff on it!

This cat is easy...like Sunday morning, baby.

This guy showing what we all know: cats = demon seed

Dude, pinned in 3 seconds. No contest.

Smokey reading Costanza's blog.

Shadow listening to The Eagles, in complete shock at how bad they are.

Would you like to meet my little friend? Hmmm?

I hate Mike and Ike. Where are the Junior Mints?

And, Merry Christmas to all...from Psycho Kitty

5th Grade "Rant of the Week"; Jil's Beauty Tip of the Week; Costanza's Existential Dilemma of the Week; Our Favorite Idol Contestant So Far.

2009-03-04T19:32:00.012-07:00

5th Grade Rant of the Week by Gabe Goorman (as told to Phil by Gabe)

Well, there is a Reader every day and it is a mom. And they switch off some weeks. Every Wednesday for the past two months now, a kid named Hayden's mom has been coming really late or not coming at all. Then, they said she can't do it so another mom is going to do it. A girl named Maya said her dad could do it and they also had contact with the other lady who reads on Wednesday. And they never have talked to each other and now it's that week and we STILL don't have a Reader for this week. So, we had to read Dies Drear, which is about a house where a family lives that used to have a farmer, Dies Drear, and he used to have slaves. So, it mad me really angry and it's starting to make other people really annoyed. And we are really sick of not having a Reader on Wednesday.

Today I was at Jackson's house and he has to do his chores daily which is really weird. And, he went outside to dust the dirt off of his rug and then he tried to hit me with it. He succeeded. And then somehow he started to fight me. He came and jumped at me and tried to punch me and I threw him on the ground. By the way, this is all on cement and I didn't throw him down very hard or hurt him. He was on his knees and found something in a crack and threw it at me and I ducked. Then he ran at me and started to punch me again. Then I took him and you know how you have each other's arms out and you are keeping the other person away? Then he kicked me but I took his leg and hucked it and made him spin around. He basically was flipped up in the air, spinning around and then he landed on his butt.

He was coming at me and if someone is going to try to kick me, I'm not going to take it. I'm going to defend myself. Who wants to get kicked? And then he jumped off his steps and tried to jump on me. He yanked my hair. Then I threw him on the ground and yanked his hair. Then I walked in his house, got my backpack and went home. As I was walking up the hill, Jackson came out and yelled, "WAAAA, WAAAA" and rubbed his eyes. I just ignored him.

Jil's Beauty Tip of the Week: Spectacular Eyebrows

Keep your brows neatly maintained by having them professionally waxed every 4-6 weeks. This is important because it's similar to shaving. It makes eye makeup go on better and frames the eyes. Actually, it enhances your overall appearance. You look neat, put together, just like having your hair done.

Costanza's Existential Dilemma of the Week: the right speaker in my car stereo is blown out and it is making me doubt everything that's good about my life.

I think it was during the 10th or 11th listening of Metallica's "Death Magnetic", which is recorded at a really high volume. I noticed a certain unsettling buzz in the forward right speaker in the door of my Xterra. Not all the time at first but just during certain bass lines and various drum beats. The insidious buzz was sorta low and not easy to notice until I played a song called "This World" from a trip hop band called Zero 7. It has a heavy bass presence and the speaker was not having any of this. In fact, as I was driving, and as this shaky spectre reared it's ugly coaxial head, I felt my upper lip twitch and my left eye started darting back and forth almost uncontrollably. Like I was trying to get away from someone who was shooting audio bullets at my right ear. The effect of this problem cannot be overstated and here's why:

When something as important as your music is jacked with, when you rely on this medium to get you to and from work, the store, the skatepark, the gym and other destinations, and all of sudden, you have to deal with a severe imbalance in your musical universe, life is skewed. It's off kilter. It's on it's head. It's effed up. Suddenly, I have no groove. My life has no beat, no musical mojo and no rhythm. The buzz has taken root in my head and I can't shut it off. Even when I play symphonic pieces from one of my favorite playlists, Shellie's 40th Birthday for Phil, it buzzes. It hisses. It pops and makes the doors rattle. I turn it down, and it becomes a low thrum. I turn it medium and it cuts like a vibrating weed whacker. I turn it up and the window appears to be melting while the hair in my nose (though not much hair--thanks Jil) begins to curl.

This is a bad situation. Made worse by the fact that my budget does not currently allow for new front speakers. It's an existential dilemma of epidemic proportions: do I eat or get a new speaker? To be continued...

Our Favorite Idol Contestant of the Week: Lil Rounds

We love her and think she will destroy everyone on this season's show.

America by Joyce Eliason

2009-02-28T22:39:00.007-07:00

We just returned from the parents house in Orem after watching "America" on Lifetime, with the teleplay written by Joyce. Gabe was with us and it was an interesting experience watching a movie about sexual abuse with an 11 year old. I don't think he saw anything that he hasn't seen in some form before but the overtones of abuse definitely got his attention. Foster care is something I don't have any direct experience with--can't recall ever meeting a "foster kid" in any school grade and don't remember meeting any foster parents who took these kids in--but the story is a direct hit between the eyes. These kids are in pain and have taken some heavy physical and psychological blows very early in their lives. How they recover (and very few of them do-only about 20% ever return to a normal life without winding up in the streets, in a cell or in a coffin) and how they communicate their pain is the central vein of America. Some kids communicate by cutting themselves, branding their bodies, attempting suicide or try their damndest to never communicate and dull the pain through the other obvious outlets: drugs, drink, and sex.

Rosie O'Donnell is not my favorite anything. Actor, person, talk show host, what have you, she just strikes me as a pitbull bred for getting what she wants, and not caring about how she gets what she wants. This is the priviledge we have as non-celebrity types: we can pass judgement on these people with impunity because they have the lives that we all secretly feel we deserve. (This is a common theme of this blog so maybe it's just me feeling this way...). BUT, back to Rosie. As soon as she came on the screen I was prepared to hate her. I don't think she can act and yet within five minutes I was in. She was Dr. B and she was the caring, attentive doc that these sad kids need. She's not going to reach everyone and she knows it. The pragmatism of Dr. B punctuated with her obvious desire to help got me past the "Rosie Factor".

The kid who played America I'm told was found in a diner just days before shooting. I haven't spoken to Joyce on this so it's a little secondhand, but apparently the producers were going for a no-name with raw skills and raw emotion and I think he delivered. Alll of us were pulling for this character to come to some kind of grip with his past and when the cathartic moment came, it was satisfying. Jil, Gabe and I discussed the movie on the way home and we'll probably discuss it again tomorrow. That is a TV victory for me.

Halloween 1978 and 2007; single of the week; Hey Obama, here's your stimulus package!

2009-02-27T23:10:00.003-07:00

A couple of excellent DVD's to rent during the long winter are the Halloween movies; not the sequels, necessarily, but the original Halloween and the remake by Rob Zombie in 2007. Not much can be added to the original that already hasn't been said. It's a great movie and a classic for all the reasons the classic genre exists: it stands the test of time. It is still an exciting, scary movie even after 30 Halloweens have passed. Jamie Lee Curtis is not the scream

queen at all. She is the pragmatic heroine that doesn't do any of the stupid shit most people do in horror movies. She protects the kids, she stays in contact with her friends (until they don't answer because they, well, go watch it, you'll see) and she is smart. The whole movie is like a really good haunted house with a lot of surprises and set pieces. Plus, that freakin' Michael Myers character is just the perfect creepiness.
The remake by Rob Zombie a couple of years ago is also good. It didn't need to be remade and there is nothing added by way of backstory or plot elements. It's essentially the same movie but with some updated gore and character twists. I enjoyed it and taken as a separate movie, it is a good example of the horror/slasher genre. Go check
these out, you will not be disappointed.

CD/SINGLE OF THE WEEK

"Set To Fail", new single from Lamb of God. When you start the day out feeling like you're looking up into the blackest, darkest void imaginable, this will clear it all up. Great song.

Finally, a word about our new President: I'm with you and this stimulus thing. I know the "wealthy" will be pissed since their taxes are being raised from 33 to 39% and it seems like the classic tax and spend philosophy of former Democratic regimes, but I have faith we will get to where we need to be and the ship will right itself eventually. Why do I know this? Obama is smart, he reads, he even has a website showing where the tax payer money will be going. And, he wants universal health care for all. I don't give a damn if anyone call this health care initiative socialized medicine; it has to be better than what we have. Oh, and for another great DVD, rent "Sicko" by Michael Moore to see what kind of piss-poor shape our health care is in.

Post Oscar hangover; where the hell is spring?

2009-02-24T21:29:00.004-07:00

OK, I've gone back to read some comments from Oscar night and it was pretty cool to have the Academy die hards hanging in all night. Shellie missed the clips but Jackie didn't; Hayley called out Beyonce in her bad red dress singing bad Grease numbers and Annie was amazed at how predictable it all was...and yet, she still watched. I think Randy was watching but he bailed, calling the awards 'lame'. Can't say I totally blame him when you have to sit through the tech/sound awards, the production numbers that are related to basically nothing and the Foreign Short Film award. Go French dudes! But, it was a good night and all of us suckers will be watching it next year saying the same things.

WINTER needs to go away. Seriously. The sun came out today and it is getting closer to spring. Let's hurry it up. Jackie, Jil, and I need the sun, our lives are hanging in the balance!!!

Actress; Actor; Best Picture; Final Thoughts...Goodnight!!

2009-02-22T21:27:00.006-07:00

Actress: This award is going to Kate Winslet, no doubt. She is a heavyweight in a class of welterweights. Just how it is.
Angelina and Brad sighting! They glow!!!
Holy cow, Sophia Loren. What can we say. Aside from the crazy hair, she looks ok. Hang in there Sophia. And, 15 nominations for Meryl Streep. Pretty strong.
WINNER: Kate Winslet, she rules. Jil and I really liked The Reader and it wouldn't have been as good without Kate. She played a very difficult character and now, her dad just whistled and it was totally cool. Back to The Reader: it was hard to figure out where this character was coming from but in a way that moved the story forward without being distracting. Her speech is so authentic and she is so likable. Way to go Kate!

Actor: Wow, there is some firepower on the stage. Jil loves Ben Kingsley. I just watched Taxi Driver again last week and DeNiro was just an animal in that film. So good. DeNiro now talking about Sean Penn. This is why we watch these shows. Moments you won't get anywhere else, and DeNiro nailed his tribute to Penn. Hopkins talking about Brad Pitt which is sorta weird but it works. Kingsley talking about Rourke in The Wrestler. Is this going to be the comeback story of the year?
SEAN PENN! Yay Spicoli!! How cool is Sean Penn? He gives the equal rights speech as he should. And a shout out to Mickey Rourke. Great award.

Motion Picture: This is going to Slumdog...and...it does. No big surprise here.

Goodnight all, thanks for following. Another fun night at the Oscars where we go to bed thinking...why am I not going to an after party with Halle, Sean, Jack Black and Beyonce? Keep dreaming, keep dreaming...

Best Foreign Language Film; Best Director;

2009-02-22T21:07:00.007-07:00

Japan wins. Who saw this? Anyone? It's probably pretty good with complex characters, interesting dialogue and introspection on life, death and the purposeful nature of doing a job in the best way possible. Now, the guy is talking. He just made a really bad joke but I can't judge too harshly. I don't speak Japanese, so go director dude!

Queen Latifah is now going to sing during the Memorium piece. This was actually really cool except the camera kept moving back and forth and was very distracting. Paul Newman, the Vampira character from Plan 9, Isaac Hayes, Heath, and Roy Scheider, to name a couple that came up on the screen.

Reese Witherspoon is now on. Best Director. Danny Boyle. Who also directed Trainspotting and 28 Days Later, which are both excellent films. He also directed The Beach with DiCaprio which was uber lame but I'm a huge fan of Danny Boyle. And, nice Tigger leap mister!

Jerry Lee Lewis; Best Song ; Oingo Boingo.

2009-02-22T20:44:00.005-07:00

I remember watching Jerry Lee Lewis in The Nutty Professor and loving it. He is kind of an oddball but I would rather have a world with Jerry Lee Lewis than one without it.

Best Original Score: nothing as memorable, so far, as Brokeback Mountain. I did like the Wall E music a lot. Milk by Danny Elfman...go Danny! He was in Oingo Boingo!!! Slumdog wins. Oingo Boingo however was THE band of the early 80's for me. I played their first and second albums so much that Jil, my wife, used to call me (back in high school), Mr. Oingo Boingo Man. They were punk, they were new wave, they were gothic, they were funky, they were unlike any band before or since. I will go so far as to say that Nothing to Fear is the best New Wave album that I ever purchased and to this day, does not disappoint. Jim Pixton and I went to see Oingo Boingo at the Utah State Fairgrounds in 1985 and we slam danced in the front row and I even got a high five from Danny Elfman. He has gone on to be Tim Burton's right hand man for his movie scores (Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow) and is now a respected composer. Still, he will always be, for me, the genious who wrote "Wild Sex (In the Working Class)". Go Danny!

The Slumdog guy is talking again but call me a racist or whatever, I can't understand a damn thing he is saying. Something about love and I agree. Go Love!

Will Smith and geek speek.

2009-02-22T20:22:00.003-07:00

Only a guy like Will Smith can wear two earrings and it looks good. Visual Effects award goes to...Button. So, again, Brad gets old and that wins? Try and make a suit or Iron and make a man dressed up like a bat seem like he's flying off a building. Do it. Come on, do it. Making someone look old? A Members Only jacket can do that. Secretly, I would love the job of Visual Effects guy. Sound Editing: The Dark Knight. It was so damn loud that this movie should win just because you can't hear the other movies by comparison. I felt like I was in a rock concert without ear plugs. You could actually hear Heath licking his lips in his Joker character.
Sound Mixing, the superheroes of post production. I'm dozing off...Slumdog wins again. Do I detect a pattern?
"We can't believe this; this is unbelievable." Love this guy. He dedicates this award to his country, to his teacher and to a bunch of other people but he is kind of mumbling. Still a good speech.
Will is really trying to keep our attention here. I admire this. He is trying to make a very geek intensive process accessible to the lay person, or as in this case, the average TV watcher. He's doing a good job. Slumdog wins again.

Best Supporting Actor, Heath Ledger; Hugh dances, not as good as Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein.

2009-02-22T19:53:00.005-07:00

Beyonce is everywhere. Wasn't she just singing to Barack and Michelle at one of the inauguration balls? This girl is everywhere. Nice Grease number. Lame. Oh, Sound of Music...gone. All that Jazz? Bob Fosse? Who cares? Now Jil is singing to that French disco tune. These numbers blow. Bunch of tuxedos and trying to act dramatic.
Oh, here comes the At Last thing and then we go on to High School Musical 3? Bring back Sound of Music!!!! Mamma Mia again. Ok, not doing play by play, they are changing songs too fast and basically it sucks. Why do they have to do these numbers? I didn't get anything from that except that Hugh is dreamy. Other than that, it fell flat.
Best Supporting Actor: First, what is up with Walken's hair? Is that a wig? He is a first class nutjob. One we all love, but a nutjob. Kevin giving Heath's intro. The Joker. This will win. The Oscar goes to Heath Ledger and his family comes up to accept. I didn't particularly love The Dark Knight. It was super loud and the story was kind of convoluted. But, loved every bit of Heath on the screen. He was amazing. We are all missing Heath and wish we could see the future acting roles of Mr. Ledger.
Man on Wire: Shellie saw this twice, she really enjoyed it. So, for Documentary presenter we get Bill Maher. We are fans of Bill Maher in this house. He is a pompous, arrogant, wise ass but he is a searcher for the truth and I always listen when he speaks. WINNER: Man on Wire. Now we have to see it.

Franco and Rogan rule; German dude.

2009-02-22T19:42:00.003-07:00

Pineapple Express was ok; not as funny as I had hoped it would be. It was fun to watch James Franco ("all I want to be is a civil engineer like the guy who built Madison Square Garden!"). Best short film: nice Franco!! Totally jacked up the title. Love it. Toyland becomes...speezulguergerlanderner. And now we have a German man thanking everyone and he sounds very serious.
Coming up...best supporting actor. Ledger, bank it!

That dog commercial; Jessica B.

2009-02-22T19:38:00.003-07:00

Jessica Biel...oh wow. What the hell is she talking about? This segment is falling flat on its face. No one cares about software, graphical/digital interface, design, etc. All we care about is how hot she is. Oh, and my sister Shellie and Gabe and Jil and Jeff agree that the best part of this award show so far is....the commercial with the dog that gets home. Yay, go doggie!!!

Ben acting like Joaquin; dude with goofy footwear.

2009-02-22T19:30:00.005-07:00

Love Ben Stiller. He skewers everyone, even himself. What is up with Joaquin? I think it's all a big set up. Slumdog wins again, best Cinematography. This movie is going to clean up. Is the guy who came up to accept his speech wearing white Crocs? Nice touch hippie. Go back to Australia and when you come back, grab some Kenneth Coles on the way to the awards next time.

Hugh Jackman is dreamy; SJP and the Bond dude;

2009-02-22T19:11:00.004-07:00

Art Direction: yawn. Except, the art direction of Bride of Frankenstein. Go ahead, you make a castle from the ground up.
Benjamin Button wins. Whoopee. This is the part of the awards that always seems to go as slow as possible...but these people deserve credit too. However, do they have to do it in our broadcast? Can't they do that in the other show...the technical show where they give awards for Best Grip and Best Ladder Guy and shit? Nice acceptance speech nerds.
Costume Design: Jil's favorite award. The Duchess wins as it should. You shouldn't win an award for successfully dressing someone up in a 1950's suit. Just go to Hugo Boss and grab one of their retro suits and there you go. If you win this award, you need to produce some nifty hair styles and seriously rib restricting gowns.
Makeup Artist: Love this award. Dracula. Wolf Man. and...Hellboy! yay. go Hellboy! and...Dark Knight! Heath looks totally creepy. Oscar goes to...Button. Oh, way to slay 'em old Brad. Big deal, you're old. You're not evil and never will be.
Big Love and Mamma Mia girl, she's cool. Love her. And the Twilight guy. Nice personality Twilight guy. Hold on, let me wake up. OK, I'm back. Oh nice, a Coldplay song. Turn it up baby!!!
ROMANCE MONTAGE. That's sweet. Let's wrap it up.

Best Animated/Animated Short;

2009-02-22T19:05:00.002-07:00

Wall-E! Wall-E! Wall-E! I loved this movie. I don't remember who the robot makes it with but it was awesome!! Wall-E means you need to recycle or something like that.
Best Animated Short basically means whcih set of animators took the best drugs...and the winner, THE FRENCH!!! Yay! The French are crazy artists! Who knew? La Maison Petit Cubes. That was a killer time at the cineplex. I think I took some LSD. How cool was it that the dude said domo aregato Mr. Roboto? Even that guy knows Styx rules!!!

Cruz wins, "Milk" guy gives cool speech, first Slumdog award

2009-02-22T18:33:00.003-07:00

Way to go Penelope. I will never ever forget you in Vanilla Sky. Me and the two other people who saw it knew you were destined for an Oscar.
Love Steve Martin, love Tina Fey.
Now on are Jenifer and Jack Black. How old is Aniston? Damn.

Academy Awards have arrived--Bring it on Hugh Jackman!!

2009-02-22T17:33:00.004-07:00

Alright punks, it's comin' up on the biggest award night of the year. Who cares about the Oscars, you say? With it's lame production numbers, stupid insider jokes and dumb ass actor presenters? YOU DO!! Admit it, you love this show, and here's why:

It's LIVE TV. Anything can happen and any thing can, and usually will be, said.

We really hate these people because...we want to be them. They are all living the lives that should so rightfully be ours. Bastards!

Because Heath is a shoo-in. As he should be.

And, we all have to witness the otherwordly presence of Angelina, because she really is from another planet and we'd all like to live there, too, if we could.

Watch in 90 minutes, and make your comments. I will be posting during every commercial break and putting up lists of your most loved and most hated.

More to come...

A-Rod is a Weenie: an Interview by The Wolfman, Lon Chaney Jr.

2009-02-18T20:03:00.007-07:00

(this interview was conducted at a shadowy bar in NYC, but NOT under a full moon):

WOLFMAN-L.C.JR.: So, Nimrod, uh, can I call you Nimrod?

A-Rod: Sure! All the guys in my clubhouse call me that. And A-Fraud sometimes! It's awesome! It shows that I'm one of the guys and that I belong and that they don't judge me even though I have a perfect manicure and wear eyeliner.

WM: Um, ok, I guess. So, you have now sort of confessed to using steroids in a couple of your previous seasons with the Texas Rangers, around '01 to '03. Today you had the chance to really come clean and let people know who the REAL A-Rod is and what he is about. This is something I feel strongly about since I have always been misunderstood and have always wanted folks to accept me and my little "problem". In other words, if you give me a venue and let me explain my nocturnal tendencies, I could turn some folks my way. Know what I'm sayin, A-Dog?

AR: Not really! But I'm sorry for whatever it is you said! Have you seen the video, "Like A Virgin"? That chick is dope, son! I keep texting her but haven't heard back in a week or so. Any advice?

WM: You mean, advice for avoiding you since you're a million dollar stalker winey baby or advice for watching better videos like Michael Jackson's "Thriller", one of my personal favorites?

AR: Cool, that works! I need to text my cousin and make sure he stays on post outside her house. I think he has some "special juice" to keep him awake! You know what I mean, Wolfie??

WM: Not really, Nut-Job, and if you call me Wolfie again I'm changing shape and sending your spleen into the upper deck, understood?

AR: I know about the upper deck Wolf Baby! I've hit a few dingers up there, and some right out of the ball park! I feel so good when I swing, like I've got so much power, even though I've been off that yucky stuff for five years now. I mean, talk about a powerful Tic Tac! Whew! That had some kick dude!

WM: Wow, you might be brain dead. What I am trying to tell you, A-Doof, is that you could have had a very serious impact on your image this week,

for the better. I'm trying to impart a life lesson here, one earned by many nights of murder, blood lust and mayhem. I am not proud of what I become, I want to be a better man. I want to change my future and it is so tragically out of my control--I DON'T WANT TO BECOME A WOLFMAN BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE, A-BONER!! You do! Don't you get that? You have God-given talent and perfect hair, like me. You could be somebody, instead of a chump. Am I reaching you? Confess everything, show some remorse, quit blaming your idiot cousin, quit saying you were young and stupid and grow a pair! Or do you want to borrow mine because I have cajones to spare? You understand me now, since I used a word in your semi-native tongue?

AR: Oh arriba, arriba, undalay kimosabe!! I am the great A-Rod, and I think all my teammates and fans will get past this with no problem-o! This year will be the best ever! I'm not young and dumb anymore, Mr. Wolf Guy, I am a future Hall of Famer with lots of money, lip gloss and game!!

WM: Good hell, where is the great Mickey Mantle when you need him? I think he could sort you out pretty good, A-Dip. This is one of the things I long for, just before I grow lots of hair, sharp teeth and begin to howl like Robert Plant on GOOD steroids--I long to get back to that place where we all believed that you were doing all of your amazing feats of baseball athleticism naturally. That innocence is forever gone. We are a Nation of Doubters and you and your sorry ass teammates are to blame. The one thing we could always count on, when the economy is sometimes down, when we are in a war, when life is a true bummer, was the glorious thrill of watching our favorite sports stars doing the thing that no one else in the world can do. And it inspired us, made us feel that with just enough work and luck and focus, we could have success in our own lives; whether in our jobs, our families or our weekend hobbies. We could be great. We could change. But now? I'm just depressed.

What is your response to that, A-Dink?

AR: Loved talkin' to ya Wolf Stud! I am off to discuss the answers for my next press conference with my agent, publicist, hairstylist, manager and real estate agent! Home prices are down, brutha, great time to buy!! You wanna Tic Tac before I go?

WM: No, just a gun...with a silver bullet.

Footloose: A Thank You Letter to Kevin Bacon

2009-02-16T03:36:00.008-07:00

Dear Kevin Bacon,

I am sure by now, Kevin, you are deep into your extensive wine collection after getting the news that Bernie Madoff screwed you and Kyra of millions of your hard earned acting doll-hairs. All those crappy movies for naught. BUT, no worries. Because you, dear Kevin, were once...

Ren McCormack, rebel, city kid and, yes, DANCER!

I just wanted to thank you for your performance in that perfect slice of 80's Velveeta known as Footloose. You brought a certain gravitas to the rebel-with-a-cause-and-that-cause-is-to-dance; a kind of crazy, foot tappin and spiky haired flair in playing a nut job that eventually gets to have his wish of hosting a dance for his high school buds and nabbing the hot, preacher's daughter. Oh Kevin, you're just naughty and so perfect for this role. When you get all pissed because the town is looking at your every move as a threat to its wholesome existence and you drive off to the flour mill in your yellow VW Bug to dance your troubles away, I thought to myself: shit, who hasn't done this? Who hasn't just jumped in the car, skeedaddled to a private barn type setting, and jumped, leapt and gymnasticized their way to some kind of teenage catharsis? Hell, we've all done that.

What about when you teach your buddy to find his inner rhythm and the two of you be-bop all over the school, the football field and every possible open aired venue with your cute headphones on? (Chris Penn, R.I.P., by the by). That rocked. I appreciated your sensitivity to your friend's plight and showed him that dancing can be a way of bro bonding. Hell, we've all done that! I remember grabbing a dude friend of mine in high school, heading over to the tennis courts with our boombox, and just dancin' away: around the nets, close to the chain link fence, a-leapin' and a-grinnin' all West Side Story like. It was so sweet. Good times Kevin, thank you for reminding me.

Finally, Kevin, I want you to ponder your legacy of acting left in the wake of your performance as Ren. Incidentally, what is Ren short for anyway? Reniford? Rendaggle? Renhoffer? Weirdest Title Character Name Ever. The only leftover of Ren has surfaced in the 90's with Ren and Stimpy, a totally demented cartoon which has neither Kenny Loggins nor dancing. But, I digress.

Kevin, think of all your roles. Think of the one guy who rides the bicycle, and the one guy who was opposite Sean Penn in that cop show and the one guy who was a child molester and the other guy....ah, who cares. We can't remember any of your movies and neither can you. But, we all remember Ren and how you spiked your hair, and hiked up your freakin' light blue jeans to your nipples, and wore your David Bowie skinny tie on the first day of school and almost jumped off the tractor when you were having that duel with the other dude who wants to nab the hot preacher's daughter. You, sir, have cemented your legend for generations to come. Thank you Kevin/Ren.

"I thought this was a party...c'mon, LET'S DANCE!!!"

Henry Rollins, Happy Birthday Feb 13th

2009-02-15T17:08:00.007-07:00

This is a Happy Birthday shout out to Henry Rollins, former lead singer for Black Flag, spoken word performer, actor and singer for Rollins Band. Pretty much one of my life long heroes. I have seen him in concert about seven times and seen him perform his spoken word at least five times. His work ethic and discipline set him apart as an individual who gets where he needs to go, no matter what. He also has a show on IFC, The Henry Rollins Show, which features artists from many different fields sitting down and talking about their work with Henry. Two of my favorite interviews from the past season were with William Shatner and Joan Jett. He also has muscial guests, not the least of which are Iggy and The Stooges, Mike Patton (Faith No More, Peeping Tom) and Ryan Adams and the Cardinals.

Henry also regularly flies to military posts all over the world to perform for the troops. He vehemently hates the Iraq War and especially hated W, but loves the soldiers and supports them wherever and whenever he can. You can read further dispatches from Henry and his travels at henryrollins.com

Oh, and my late cat Hank was named after him (Henry Hoodoo Rollins II).

Doug Wintch at Pat's Bar B Que

2009-02-13T22:05:00.005-07:00

We just got back from Pat's Bar B Que here in the SLC, where Doug Wintch, our should-be-famous-cousin, played to a capacity crowd of meat eatin' fans. While eating pulled pork, mashed potatoes, baked beans and, according to Curt Wankier, the best ribs he's had in a loooong time, we listened to The Doug Wintch Band: Doug on guitar, Jamie on drums, Jason on bass and Dan on peddle steel, guitar and fiddle. In attendance at this Texas style juke joint were: Wyatt (luckiest SOB ever), Lindsey, Riley, Hayley and Grant, Angus and Jilly, Wolf and Little Martha and Bob and Jillian (Curt and Jackie, for those of you not 'in the know').

The sound at Pat's was surprisingly good, given the small space. This made for a nice balance between hearing all the instruments and the vocals AND being able to have a decent conversation with anyone at the table. The downside was sitting on hard benches the whole time, but that was a minor inconvenience.

Doug was fantastic, as usual. The last time all of us saw Doug was at Larry's 50th birthday party where it was more of an acoustic show. Tonight's show was all electric. A couple of tunes he dedicated to the Tuckers in the audience, which I think is the first shout out any of us have had from any stage. Except when Snoop Dogg gave a shout to Riley in Vegas, but that's another blog.

My personal favorite was "Manti", a song I don't think any of us had heard. Aside from the personal nature of the song and that both Doug's parents and our mom came from Manti, the song was instantly fun to listen to. Right out of the speakers it was a tune I wanted to hear again and again. Doug is a songwriter for me that is very similar with one of my favorite songwriters, Paul Westerberg of the The Replacements. His sense of humor is sharp and he has a keen eye for detail. What I've always loved about Westerberg is his ability to sum up an emotion or at least the shadow that emotion left in a way that is both humorous and really sad and longing. After hearing "Manti", all I could think of was the times I spent in that town with my grandma, my parents, my siblings, relatives and friends. It's a special place that evokes very strong emotions and memories; a song that can get you to that emotional space in 3 1/2 minutes is gold to me. I believe the last few lines were, "They say you can't go home again/But some towns you can't leave behind."

One other note on Doug: how many people do you know have kept their dream alive for the majority of their whole life? Since I can remember, Doug has played guitar, been in a band, played shows, made records and stayed "in the game" with his music. That is amazing to me considering the graveyard of dreams most of us carry around in our heads, thinking we should have kept doing this or that or what happened to that thing I loved but I stopped doing? Doug has never stopped playing music. That's inspiring for me.

Thanks cuz!

Black Sabbath--Master of Reality, thoughts.

2009-02-10T21:16:00.007-07:00

Just finished this book--it's one in a series of books called 33 1/3, which are really intense reviews of certain recordings. I became interested in this series through the first one I read, a review/recap of Slayer's Reign in Blood. What struck me was the track by track breakdown of each song, with comments from the band and from the producers. It takes the listening experience of these albums to a very high level.

The Black Sabbath book is slightly different. It's from the point of view of a teenager who is placed in a psychiatric hospital when he is 17 after he attempts suicide. However, he is not suicidal, just depressed with his home life and doesn't know how to process it. So, as soon as he gets abducted from school and is admitted into this hospital, all he wants to do is retrieve his backpack, which the doctors took from him, and listen to Master of Reality. For 90 pages, through a series of journal entries, he describes this album and every riff, drum beat, lyric and vocal. BUT, it is done with a certain desperation that elevates his commentary from heavy metal puppy love to religious fervor. It is fascinating to hear how each track resonates with him and how he interprets this incredibly misunderstood recording.

Bottom line: Ozzy and his mates are preaching love and peace. On every song. Well, one song is an anti-war song, but the rest, aside from two instrumentals, are about searching for happiness. Oh, and the one about pot (Sweet Leaf). I've re-listened to it three times in the last two days and it has quickly jumped up to one of my favorite heavy metal albums. Listen to Geezer Butler's bass and it sounds like something from another planet.

GRAMMYS CONT., ALMOST DONE, WOW, IT'S LONG

2009-02-09T19:32:00.007-07:00

We have a Keith Urban sighting and Jil is freaking out. Now he's singing and she is making yipping noises. Then she just said, "Oh my gosh, Keith Urban." She did not say that when BB King was playing.

Is there a more boring dude than Gary Sinise? Wow. Oh no, here comes Lil Wayne. Gabe is now dancing and getting his beat going. This is a whole tribute to New Orleans deal which is ok but the energy has kind of left the room...except when the camera goes to Lil Wayne. Maybe it's his teeth.

Katy Perry also kissed a girl (earlier in the show) and we kind of liked it. There was a lot of fruit onstage during her performance.

will.i.am and T-Pain are now on. T-Pain has cool hat. Best Rap Album goes to...Lil Wayne!!! Now, his whole family is onstage. He kept his speech short and sweet, nice job.

Zooey Deschanel looks like a little flying faerie. She's got a nice speaking voice. Robert Plant and Allison Krauss are on and it's sort of muted. Their voices are nice together. Good choice Robert, you who will always be the Great God of the Golden Throated Thundering Viking Voice of All Heavy and Hard Rock Music in the Vocal Universe. He still sounds awesome. Why won't he join the other guys in Zep and do a reunion? He's like the F Bomb, contrarian to the end!