Olympic Fever Week 1!

Last night I went to bed ashamed and then woke up even more ashamed, and, a little depressed. I have gotten up late almost every day this week (this is an "off work" week for me) and have gone to bed way too late. Why? The Effin' Olympics, of course!! The reason for my shame today was I logged how many hours I had sat in front of the TV over the last six days and the number began to reach into the 30's. That's about six hours of Olympic coverage per day. I could have used this time to work out, learn to cook, start an online business, worked on Jil's web page, helped homeless children and a whole host of other, probably more constructive things.

But I chose not to. And it's because I'm an Olympic addict and always have been. I love the Olympics because it's two weeks out of the year where our world makes some kind of sense. Where every country gets a chance on equal ground to show what it can do and no one is in it for the money (well, that last part is not true because every sport is about the money, but the athletes don't get a check with their medal). When some dude from China can lay down with some dude from Japan, side by side, in the Biathalon and for once it's not about the enmity both countries have for each other but whether or not they can shoot a target the size of a silver dollar 100 yards away. Of course both shooters know that either a Norwegian or Swede or German will beat them at this game, but they take heart knowing that other sports their countries participate in have a decent chance of getting a medal (like short track skating).

So what have I learned and seen with my huge time investment this past Olympic Week 1? Let me share:

1) I know that a man wearing snakes on his garment, with perfect hair, can make me pay attention to men's figure skating and that Euvgeny Pleshenko is a little Russian bitch with poor sportsmanship. Way to go Evan Lysacek.



2) That a Swedish ski racer can have the worst wreck I've ever seen on a Women's Downhill and can come back the next day and get a medal.

Anja Paerson

3) One thing about short track speed skating: it is the closest thing to organized chaos in sport. But, Apolo Ohno needs to now shave off his little soul patch. Course, it's probably netted him some extra millions in recognizable marketing endorsements but he just looks like the guy at the frat party who is pumping the keg.


4) Bode Miller isn't a D-Bag. He now is throwing out Buddha-like wisdom on what it means to attend the Olympics. I'm paraphrasing here, but basically he said: you have to choose to give yourself over completely to what the Olympics are about. Once you commit, you can then find the passion and will within yourself to rise to the occasion that this event demands. If you can find that special motivation, you can make a magic moment. Way to go B.

5) There is no bigger letdown than going from watching Mens Halfpipe Snowboarding and then watching the Womens. This is as chauvinistic as I will ever be but here goes: it is like watching an NFL game and then watching a junior varsity high school game. The women have some nice tricks but the air is way low, the pushing of the envelope is basically non existent, and the woman who won the gold, Torah Bright from Australia, had no flair and no personality to her run. Maybe it's because Shaun White is so freaking good that he makes EVERY snowboarder look bad. Come on ladies, step it up.

6) Nothing gets me off the couch, wincing and then covering my face like the crashes in Downhill and Super G. It is completely involuntary and reflexive which tells me all my years of skiing have instilled a fear in me that I don't ever want to crash going 70 mph. I can't believe the guts of the men and women who carry that kind of speed down an ice sheet.

7) The MOST BORING SPORT OF THE OLYMPICS (it's a tie): Ski Jumping and Cross Country. No matter how the announcers build up the stories or try to create some kind of drama, these two sports absolutely blow. Watching dude after dude fly through the air in exactly the same way and then land on a hill where you can't discern if it was a big or small jump is torture (I still watched it). Worse is watching a bunch of cardio idiots zip their way around a track, not even racing each other, to try and get the fastest time when they look like they are going 5 mph (I also watched this).

8) Finally, my favorite moment of the Games thus far: Lindsey Vonn hugging her husband at the end of her gold medal downhill run and both crying and congratulating each other. Not sure if that was worth the 30 or so hours it took me to get there but I had some tears in the eye. Way to go Vonn.

The Perfect Valentine's Day: Male and Female Edition

Here is what you need to do to make Valentine's Day the most romantic, perfect day of the year for your loved one. First, I will advise the Males:

Morning--get up at 6am and wash her car. You need to vacuum and detail the inside, then polish the outside so it is nice and pretty and makes her very happy when she gets in it. On the way home from washing the car, stop buy the grocery store and get some flowers. You may need to do this the night before but I've found if you swing by Harmon's at around 7am, they usually have a nice selection of bouquets. Buy these but don't buy any chocolates. Tacky.

Upon arriving home, arrange the flowers in a vase and then begin making breakfast. In my case, I just need to reach into the fridge and pull out a Slim Fast and pop the top for Jil. Pretty simple. In your case, you need to go all out: OJ, pancakes, eggs, fruit, bacon, whatever she loves. And coffee. Get that ready. You should be hitting the 8am mark now.

DON'T WAKE HER UP YET!!

Now, go take a shower. And clean yourself up. Need I say more? And brush and floss. And use mouthwash. Then dress yourself in something nice and snappy. No t-shirts today. Wear your good jeans and some cool shoes.

At this point she should be stirring. Try to be quiet and don't act too eager to get anything going or even do anything. This is her day and you need to let it unfold the natural way. You have set things up so hopefully it will go your way but you need to be patient. Don't bombard her with questions this early. Just say nice things, listen and be attentive.

After breakfast, suggest a movie or a nice late lunch with some kind of cocktail hour included. If you are feeling brave and want to take this thing to the next level, tell her you'd like to accompany her shopping and she can go wherever she wants and you'll wait for her and love every minute of it. If this is sincere, it's a golden move. If it's not sincere, go back to 6am and start over.

The day is now wearing on and you are creating a perfect mood for what will happen later in the evening. You've done nice things for her at this point, you've cleaned her car, made breakfast, brought home flowers, went shopping with her and now you're relaxing at Starbucks having a decaf latte while she is chatting with her mom or friend and you're reading the paper. The day is flowing just like you planned.

Dinner: Surprise her. Take her somewhere upscale but not extravagant. A place you can afford (in my case, McDonalds), because you do not want her to ask in the middle of the lamb croquette appetizer, "How can you afford this place?" Instant mood killer. Don't draw attention to any weird or fancy dishes either. Some sushi or nice New York strip steak or nice salad with some wine and that is plenty.

Try to get her drunk but don't be obvious about it.

Later, at home: All of your careful planning is now about to pay off. In essence, this has been the longest foreplay of your entire life so don't blow it now. Be patient. Relax with a nightcap, watch an episode of a favorite show and snuggle on the couch. But don't wait too long. Food plus wine plus Dexter means an early bedtime. So make your move as soon as the TV is off. You need to have all your skills ready to go. Use a cheat sheet if you have to. Surprise her. Use the swirl instead of the twist.

Males, you will thank me profusely at how the rest of the night will go.

OK, now, Females, here is what you need to do to make your partner's Valentine's Day the best ever:

Unbutton the top button of your blouse and leave it like that, ALL DAY! Done!

Happy V-Day!

The Buried Life: what will you do before you die?

Gabe has got me watching this show on MTV called "The Buried Life". There are four guys on this show and the premise is they make a list of things they would like to do before they die, drive around the country in an RV, and do these things. The twist is once they do one of the things on their list, they then need to help a stranger accomplish something in their life that they've wanted to do. In a recent episode, they encountered a street artist in Dallas who had not spoken to his son in 19 years. So they found the kid, and a phone number, and gave it to this father who then actually called his son. He was very grateful and it was a nice moment on the show.

This got me thinking, or at least thinking more deeply after the funeral two weeks ago, about things that I would like to do before I die. For some reason The Buried Life has me so much more inspired than The Bucket List to actually go out and do some of these things. But where to start? Do I think big and go for the grandiose plans, like one day spending a week in an Italian villa on Lake Como? Or start realistically, like every month donating some of my money to whatever charity I choose, even if it's a couple of dollars?

Maybe a list off the top of my head is the best place to start and then I can begin refining it and planning my attack after the initial ideas are jotted down.

So here goes: TOP NINE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE (again, this is a preliminary, off the cuff list, so my final, final list is still a few edits away):

1. Heli Skiing in Alsaska. Joey Watts has done this and said it is life changing. Basically, you have to plan about a 14 day trip and be prepared to only ski about three to four days. The weather is so sketchy that you can only get in the heli on certain days for safety reasons. However, once you have a good day and get the green light, you are dropped at the top of un-tracked peaks and let loose to ski down them. The length of most of these runs is two to three miles. Think of it this way: you would be skiing in powder, continuously, about ten runs back to back starting at the top of the Flathead lift at Sundance and going down to the base of that lift. That is a lot of powder and lot of skiing. Hell yeah.
2. Spending one week in the U.K. and following my favorite band, The Damned, to all of their concerts on that isle. The concerts would be a blast but I think it's more of an excuse to explore England since I am somewhat of an Anglophile. Going to different pubs, seeing really cool old castles, traipsing through farms and hedgerows, hoping to find a bustle in there (Led Zep shout out--WHATTUP!), visiting the last resting places of Shelly, Keats, Stoker, and other cool authors. I visited Britain briefly a few years back but it just left me wanting more. Oh, and here is The Damned:

3. Playing golf in Scotland. I think for all the golf history in our family it's only right and just to play golf one time at the birthplace of the sport.

4. Writing a book. I actually have a realistic chance of doing this. Joyce gave me an idea that I'm now pursuing and my goal is to have something published within a year. This will be self-published, since there are tons of companies that will bind a book for you, and it will be non-fiction. I just want to go through the process of writing, editing, organizing and coming up with a finished product. I feel this would be supremely gratifying.

5. God-like organization. This idea came to me as Mom and I were going through Dad's files, drawers, and photos. As good as Dad was at keeping items in certain places, he also has so much salad that it's incredibly daunting to think we could go through all of it. Now that documents, photos and such can be archived electronically (discs or external hard drives), the goal now is to collect all journal entries, photos and the like and periodically save them and sock them away in a safe, secure location. After I die, if you wanted to see what my life was like on October 21, 2010, you can go to the archives and find out. Hopefully it will be somewhat interesting.

6. Come to the point in life where money is no longer THE reigning issue in my life. This does not mean I have made a ton of money; this is just a mental and physical transition where you know bills can be paid, funds can be saved and physical needs are met and that money does not occupy the majority of the space in your brain. Honestly, I get so sick of worrying about money and all that it entails that I want to run screaming from my house and head right into the street and get plastered all over the road, Hank-style. Jil and Gabe would reap the rewards from the life insurance and I could stop fretting.

7. Regularly give time and or money to an organization that would benefit from time and money that I would give. This seems easy but it's actually hard and takes a lot of will power. No one wants to go downtown and serve food to the homeless. It's a lot easier to just write a check and hope the funds get to where they should go. Giving of time is the greater contribution and one that requires the greater sacrifice. I think the very definition of procrastination was borne once someone suggested that you should give your time to charity. "Yes, I need to do that, I will get on it tomorrow..."

8. Create an Evil Ball that would be talked about for decades. Why is this important? Why not? Getting your loved ones together is one of the main reasons for living so let's get together and have a Halloween party to end all parties. I will give you a hint of what this party would involve: horse drawn carriages; huge, roaring bonfires; a castle; roaming actors playing all kinds of movie monsters to scare you during the night; a professional DJ; a professional photographer/videographer; gourmet food; an open, endless and enticing bar including ten different kinds of absinthe; and, other fun surprises. This will happen and you will be invited...

9. Obligatory Travel Goal: Europe, Australia, wherever. This is on everyone's To Do list so it's not that surprising or revealing. It's just I haven't done it and I know it would be amazing and now it's on my list.

What's on yours?

Grammy Post 4: Home stretch!!!

Fourht Screwdiver...secured okay!!!! We go on and on!!!!!

I am way into Grammy fatigue now. Why do we have to until 10:30? I can't last that long. I'm already buzzed and suffering jet lag from my week in Alabama. By the way, don't go to Alabama. It sucks. It is pretty but so poor. No money. I spoke to so many poor people with hardly any hope of making their situation better. And cities with so many closed buildings. Commercial real estate values will absolutely jack this country up and it is coming in a big way. Residential real estate was bad; commercial values falling will be a disaster.

DAVE MATTHEWS ALERT!! Jil likes him. I have never been a fan. I suffer the same kind of A.D.D. with this music that the Wolf suffers on the golf course. I can't stay interested past the first 2 minutes and Larry can't play well for more than 9 holes. I didn't even watch this, I had to pee.

Justice is served: Beyonce wins Best Female Vocal Performance. If it was Taylor Swift, the night would have been over for me.

Who the hell is Maxwell? Good voice I guess. I'm fading. Not sure I can hang until the Best Album or Album of the Year or whatever it is. To be honest the Grammys have kind of kicked my butt. Why don't they have the Best Viking Metal Album? That honor would go to Amon Amarth. Here they are:

Amon Amarth, Best Viking Metal Band (not a Grammy category)

But, Roberta Flack is singing and I was just singing "Where Is The Love" earlier today so that is cool. Great, classic song.

JEFF BRIDGES ALERT!!! THE DUDE ABIDES!!! Can't wait to see Crazy Heart. He is saluting Les Paul. And now Jeff Beck is on. Go Jeff. But who is singing? A gold dressed lady and no one knows who she is but she is into it. However, I think we have reached the end of the Grammy night. I now really don't care who wins and can't stay awake any longer. Oh well, I'm sure we can all read about it ad nauseum tomorrow morning.

Grammy Post 3: Best Rock Album (8:35 to 9:15)

U2 will win Best Rock Album because they are at the top of their game. But, they don't! Green Day wins it which is weird. Because U2 really did have an amazing year including their huge tour. Billie Joe is now going to have shots with Kings of Leon. I would seriously do anything to have a shot with all of those guys. That would be a shot that immediately goes into my legendary Shot Hall of Fame. Included in this shot Hall of Fame is a shot I took with Little Ricky in Moab a year ago. The shot was vodka and the dispensing unit was a warm water bottle from the Wolf. It was the shot heard around Moab for sure.

LEON RUSSELL ALERT!!!! Now the Grammys really are the shizz-nit. He looks pretty good considering he looked basically the same forty years ago except without the white beard and hair. And now I need to hear more Zac Brown because I really like his voice. Oh, here was Leon Russell back in the day:



Where did this Zac Brown guy come from? I like him. I really mean he might usher me into a new phase of my musical life. I can't believe I'm saying this but I am looking forward to hearing more Zac Brown.

Are we really only halfway through now? Not sure I can make it all the way.

Third Screwdriver...secured! On we go!!

Taylor Swift is now performing. Listen closely to her voice. It is not good. It is bland. Bleh. Cool guitar though. Some kind of pearl inlay on the neck. She doesn't have as good a voice as an American Idol reject. Oh, and now a Fleetwood Mac cover with....Stevie Nicks!!! Let's compare voices, shall we? The song is Rhiannon, of all songs. Good luck Taylor. Here we go...

Oh Taylor, you are awful. I really like you because you seem very nice and sincere. But that voice is horrible. Stevie is wondering how the hell she got talked into this debacle. If Stevie and Taylor's voices were tennis rackets, Taylor would have an old wooden racket made by Wilson back in 1974 and Stevie would have a brand new, shiny Wilson racket that Roger Federer just used to kick Andy Murray's butt in the Australian open earlier today.

MICHAEL JACKSON TRIBUTE: This Is It. We must pause now to fully take in the tribute of Michael. But, I don't have my 3D glasses on and it looks horrible. Why didn't someone tell me I needed my 3D gear! What am I missing? Smoky Robinson in 3D? How cool could that be? How awful could that be? The song they are singing is killer--good job Michael. But the 3D aspect is now lost and the song is over. What more enhanced experience could I have had? Damn you Grammys!!!

Prince Jackson. You sound like you are a very old person. Hopefully, you will have a good and healthy life. Good job. Now Paris...and she's done.

UPCOMING HAIR NATION ALERT!!! BON JOVI IS COMING UP!!! YES!!! I'll bet it doesn't surprise anyone that right now, if you were riding in my Xterra, you could reach back to the pocket behind the passenger seat, pull out my CD case, and you would find a CD. That CD would be Bon Jovi's, "Slippery When Wet". You could then put that CD in and completely shake your business to the best butt rock ever recorded. As anyone who has spent time with me can attest, I love a good, simple, goofy pop song. Bon Jovi does this kind of music better than almost anyone. But, what song will they sing? The anticipation is killing me.

Bon Jovi the main guy looks great. Richie Sambora, the guitarist, looks a little beaten up. Here they are back in the day:

Pretty 'effin' sweet: Bon Jovi

Now they are playing the biggest hit of their career: Livin' on a Prayer. Go get 'em John. I love you and your tight Jersey pants. However, they basically played a chorus and a verse. Lame.

PREDICTION: I believe things are going to go badly for Rhianna. She has a new album and it's selling and she has moved beyond Chris Brown. But, she has an aura about her that just screams disaster. I don't know why but we will be reading about her in a car wreck/overdose/lover death quarrel in the near future.

Grammy Post 2: Think Pink! (7:42 to 8:30)

PERFORMANCE: PINK

I am also a big fan of Pink. I've read several articles on Pink and she is one determined woman. She apparently works nonstop and now...has just basically stripped down to nothing. So, ok. Gabe is really watching closely now. The acrobatics are kind of nice and hypnotic. How does she not get dizzy, you ask? I learned this tip from my friend and Twitter buddy, Cris Angel--you have to keep your eyes from moving all over. Keep them steady in your head and you won't lose your equilibrium. And now the water? I guess everyone below is getting a quick cool down. To show all of your body like that takes some bravery so good on you Pink. Oh, and her voice is awesome.

KEITH URBAN ALERT! Jil is really watching closely now. I've written about Jil's fascination with Keith in earlier blogs. Her obsession for him remains undiminished.

BEST NEW ARTIST IS...Zac Brown Band. OK, here is fact about Zac Brown: he toured 314 days last year. What Zac Brown does before every show, which I think is about the coolest thing ever, is cook dinner for 150 fans that are part of his VIP fan club. He makes barbeque with his secret sauce and then feeds all these people, hangs out with them, and just gets to know his fans. I don't know one song of Zac Browns but I love him. He might, he just might, get me into country.

Don't hold your breath.

ZAC BROWN BAND

And now...the black eyed peas. neat.

will.i.am looks like The Gimp!!! He totally has the Gimp head gear on!! Way to go will!! I sit here and wonder how much money these idiots make and it is making me very angry. We need to write a song, just one song, that gets picked up in some famous movie or becomes a popular Christmas tune and live off the royalties. And then play it when we're on the Grammys and have a bunch of other idiots dressed like speakers walk around and gesticulate wildly. What does that Indian dude and the other black dude actually do? Can you name them? No. It's the will and Fergie show. Those other dingbats are just riding on some pretty glammed-out coattails. I kid the Peas but I actually think they throw down a mean beat and are pretty harmless. Does anyone remember the time when the Peas were an underground, socially conscious, hip hop outfit that had high ideals and more interesting music? It was about ten years ago.

PERFORMANCE: Lady Antebellum. In the Country genre and I have actually heard of these folks. Never heard them and I'm hearing them now. Yep, it's country. It sucks. The guy singing reminds me of one of those Rascal Flatts dudes, except about 40 lbs. lighter.

Rascal Flatts fat guy

Best Comedy Album? Okaaay. Hope it's Patton Oswalt. And it's not. It's Colbert. Sounds very lame and goofy. Did you know Colbert sang in a barbershop quartet and had some serious chops? And now he just thanked Jesus. So, the night is not a total loss.

Time for another cool beverage...and the Screwdriver is secured, on we go!

RECORD OF THE YEAR: come on, Kings of Leon please!!!! And it's...YES!!!!!!!!! The Followill brothers come through!!! Every time Caleb Followill gives a comment on his new found fame, he sounds disgruntled but he is right up there getting the award, drunk, and very happy. Grammys got it right this time.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. ALERT!! Love this guy. Go watch him again in Weird Science for a perfect, a-hole performance. Now Jamie Foxx is making me laugh because I can't look at him and not laugh. Full Auto Tune mode. Hopefully 2010 will see the death of the Auto Tune. That is the voice modulating unit that basically allows a crappy singer to actually carry a tune. A crappy singer like T-Pain. Where's the hat T-Pain?? He has, by his own count, about 300 custom made top hats. He buys most of them in New Orleans from a small haberdashery.

SLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! The Grammys not officially do not SUCK! Go read the Slash autobiography for some insight into one of the best guitarists, not just of his generation, but of all time. And one of his favorite albums is Aerosmith "Rocks", which is my all time fave Aerosmith album.

Speaking of best guitarists, did anyone know that a NEW Jimi Hendrix album is now out called "Valleys of Neptune"? It got a four star review in Rolling Stone and apparently was recorded and mixed just three months before he died. This is one in a series of many Hendrix albums that will be coming out over the next DECADE. Yes, he made that much music. I could not be happier.

Grammy Post: Ga Ga Goo Goo (7 to 7:30)

GRAMMYS 2010!

In the room: Phil, Jil, Gabe
Drink: Screwdriver
Cat: Wherabouts unknown.

OPENING: Lady GaGa, Elton John

She has a great voice, this Lady GaGa, no doubt about it. And Elton! We love Elton. Why does he look all burned and incinerated? Kind of goofy. The makeup is distracting and I can't concentrate on the actual tune. Gabe: "What's up with the one long earring?" Good question sir. I keep looking at the big black streak on GooGoo's face and yet, her voice is keeping me focused on the song. Well played, Miss GeeGee. Jil is still clapping for Elton.

I like Stephen Colbert but I don't find his schtick that funny. And a diss on Susan Boyle? He is mocking her and yet they clap. Kind of lame.

SONG OF THE YEAR: Single Ladies, Beyonce. Not too surprising I guess. It's sort of disturbing when my 12 year old is walking around the house singing, "whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, if you like it then you better put a ring on it". It is catchy. Nevertheless, disturbing.

And now Green Day is partnering with their Broadway cast, so, I don't know how I feel about this expect Billie Joe Armstrong writes some of the best melodies in rock. Sounds pretty good actually. So far the music has been very good and no stupid remarks. Which doesn't bode well for an interesting Grammys. We need some drunk people stat!!

BON JOVI ALERT! They are going to play a fan chosen song so pay attention people!

And now we're into the Country award for Best Album. I hope Willie Nelson's Stardust wins.

Oh. Taylor Swift won. How incredibly remarkable and unexpected. NOW KANYE, NOW!!! COME OUT NOW!!!!

Let's get real about Taylor Swift: her voice is not great. It's not even good. She is probably the nicest celebrity around and her songs are written well. She is not a singer, however.

BEYONCE: Now, this person can sing. Holy cow. I'm a fan of Beyonce, not like Jil is a fan, I don't go buy songs of hers, but I like what she does. She's the real deal. The soldiers walking around don't make any sense to me but they're gone now. I also really appreciate the all female backing band and that they are genuinely trying to rock out. And now, she is going to an old school Alanis tune! Love it! Way to go B!! I'm seriously getting chills right now listening to this performance and she is gyrating on the stage and that is also pretty rad.

My man crush on Tim Gunn

We all need certain people in our life: we need the person who will always take you to a metal show when you are feeling down (Riley, Wyatt); we need the buddy you can golf with and share thoughts and feelings (Randy, Grant); we need someone to listen to you and be there for you when times get tough (Jackie, Shellie); we need that special person to go on trips with and share special male bonding moments (Wolf, Ryan Brooks); we need drinkin' buddies (Skid, Teen Teen, Annie, Martini, Joyce, hell, our whole family); we need the person who keeps you humble and reminds you where you come from and you still have work to do, but totally loves and accepts you no matter what (Voo, Mom); and we all, every one of us, needs a great dad (RIP Karlito).

We also, every one of us, needs a well dressed gay man in our lives.

Specifically, this man:

Tim Gunn, hero, gentleman, voice of reason

Mr. Gunn or Big Tim as I like to call him (not to be confused with Tim Riggins and I don't know if Tim is BIG in that area, I just like the sound of Big Tim. Get your minds out of the gutter), is the host of Project Runway. This show is a favorite of our family because it's mindless entertainment, you can judge people's taste and fashion sense, it's sometimes funny and the contestants are usually quirky but have good hearts and aren't out to kill someone or make the other contestants' lives miserable. The other host of this show is Heidi Klum and she is ok (Welcome to Pwoject Wunway!!!), her most admirable quality being that she married Seal and he is a stud. Anyway, back to Big Tim.

Tim gets the unenviable job of being The Mentor to these wanna-be designers. He coaches them through each task and gives them his advice. The most famous piece of advice and Tim's catchphrase is "Make it work", which is not that cool of a phrase but when Tim says it, you want to "Make It Work!". You see, Tim is that certain person in your life that always believes in your very best self. He wants to bring out the you that you aren't sure exists. Tim also has an unflagging sense of optimism. Even when he sees the worst garment imaginable made by the biggest train wreck of a person, he looks them right in the eye and says, "I believe in you, you have a big job ahead of you, but Make It Work. Go, go, go!" He then punctuates this saying with a little hand jab to emphasize that most problems in life can be usurped and overcome with some good old fashioned, hard work.

When he has to be harsh, he can be but it's never mean or demeaning. He is the father figure that these people probably never had. He only judges you on your output, not your philosophical life stance, and his only discernible goal is to help you be a world class designer and person. When the contestants get voted off the show and Heidi gives them the two cheek Euro kiss, Tim is backstage waiting to embrace them and tell them how much he loves them and that even though they now have to pack up their shit and skee-daddle, he will miss them terribly. It is tough love done the most brilliant way possible.

And the clothes: the bespoke suits that fit perfectly with windowpane patterns, and dark suits with checked shirts that match his ties perfectly; the elegant pointy toed shoes and the amazing winter coats, from pea coats to full length wool overcoats. His glasses are always funky but never goofy and his watches are top notch. If you walked out of the house every day looking like Tim Gunn, you would absolutely kick life's ass. No one could stand in your way and you would have angels showering you from above with rose petals as you walked down the street in your worsted wool, three button, $5,000 dollar Prada suit.

I just want to have his life for one week. I think it would all turn around for me if I could be Tim Gunn for a few days. God speed Big Tim, I will see you on the Wunway.

Greatest Week in Gabe's Life!!

So, Gabe had the best week ever last week. I have to mention this because everything fell into place so perfectly and we planned none of it.

Essentially, Gabe met his idol, freeski sensation Tom Wallisch. Here is a pic of Tom:


It all started at the Jazz-Heat game on Monday night. I got some tickets from my work including tickets for the Jazz Sports Club. Basically, the Sports Club is a fancy place way up at the top of the arena where they have this huge buffet and you can go pork out right before the game. They even have beer!! For FREE!!! Gabe and I got to the Sports Club room about 20 minutes before the start of the game and I began hitting the buffet hard--cheese, crackers, salad, some lobster appetizer with a coconut glaze that tasted like heaven on a stick, and then I moved on to the Big Boy Meal--prime rib, rice, corn, biscuit, cheesecake and more beer.

Gabe had none of it.

He said, "See ya!" and made his way down to our seats. When I got there, we proceeded to watch an enjoyable game and the Jazz actually didn't suck too much. About three minutes before the halftime, this kid came out with some of the Jazz helpers and he used the slingshot thingy to shoot t-shirts into the crowd. When he was done, the announcer said, "That was Tom Wallisch, who will be at the Dew Tour at Snowbasin on Sunday. Give Tom a hand!" Gabe immediately looked at me and screamed (not making this up), "There's Tom!!!! We have to meet him!!! We have to find him!!!! TOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Let me back up a little bit here. Tom is the man responsible for turning Gabe back onto skiing. Gabe was all into snowboarding for the past three years, even getting new stuff last year, and trying his best to improve every year at this sport. He then saw this video of Tom on YouTube and it basically changed his life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob4gUwKhIu8

(Try to watch the full two minute clip--the guy is amazing).

Anyway, here we are, at halftime at the Jazz game and Tom has now disappeared into the crowd. Gabe is now hyper-ventilating and peppering me with questions like this: Where is he Phil? Where did he go? How can we find him? I have to meet him, how can we make this happen? Who do we need to talk to at this arena to find Tom? What should we do????

Um, get a beer?

We decided to go down to the other Sports Club room and get more FREE snacks and then wander up to our concourse again and, by lucky chance and the Beard of Zeus, perhaps, maybe, run into Tom Wallisch. This was a super long shot because the arena was almost full.

On our way up to our concourse, right as we go to the top of the stairs, we turned the corner and all of a sudden, Gabe gave out a squeal. I mean, a high pitched, girly girl squeal that is reserved only for those who follow Miley Cyrus and then suddenly run into Miley Cyrus. What do you know? There was TOM FREAKIN' WALLISCH! I'm pretty sure Gabe laid a sweet dookie right into his Jazz playoff boxers because he grabbed my hand and said, "Oh geez Phil, what should I do?" I told Gabe that we would just hang back for a sec, since Tom had three other people around him and we didn't want to be rude. One of the people next to Tom however, saw us hovering and poked him and said, "Tom, I think you have a fan."

Tom turned around and the guy could not have been cooler. He stuck out his hand and introduced himself, talked to Gabe, asked him what tricks he was working on and then let us take a photo of he and Gabe (the photo came out blurry and crappy unfortunately). The funniest part was watching Gabe. He stood like someone had stuck him with a pin--hands down to his sides, grinning and laughing weirdly, all nerved up and looking like this guy:


It was really funny and pretty cute.

FAST FORWARD TO THIS PAST SUNDAY:

Riley picked up Gabe and I and we headed to Snowbasin to watch Tom Wallisch in the Winter Dew Tour Slopestyle Freeski Finals. As we positioned ourselves right to the side of the run, watching the other competitors come down, Gabe noticed an older guy standing next to the run with a t-shirt that had Tom Wallisch's signature on it. Of course, being the kind of kid Gabe is, that is, not shy at all, he went up and introduced himself to...TOM WALLISCH'S DAD!! This guy was also super cool. He asked Gabe all kinds of questions. And, when I walked down to where they were standing, Gabe turned to me with a look that was the epitome of Mr. Smug Guy, pointed to this older dude and said, "Hey, Tom Wallisch's dad right here." Classic.

Here is Tom's winning run. If you pause it on the very final jump, we are standing just to the left of the run, there are only about ten of us there. The rest of the crowd was at the end of the run and on the other side:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyxT3FFYiho

Afterwards, Riley threw his buddy a pair of his goggles and had them signed by Tom for Gabe. THEN, Gabe waited for Tom to come out of the podium area where he was getting his first place award, and had Tom sign his hat and his phone.

As we walked back to the car, Gabe said, "That was pretty sick." Yes. Yes it was.

Golden Globes!

I love Ricky Gervais, the host. If you haven't seen the original Office, Extras or his stand up special, check them out. Very clever guy. Anyway, he is the host tonight and so far, he's doing superb. And he's drinking a beer!!! How cool is this awards show? So much better than the Oscars. Drunk, plasticized celebs and a drunk host. Love it!

Yea John Lithgow! He just won Best Supporting Actor for playing the Trinity Killer on Dexter. If you missed this show or haven't started watching it, get busy. On of the best series ever. Lithgow was so good in this season's episodes and it culminated in one of the creepiest and most shocking season endings I've ever seen.

COOL MOVIE ALERT!!! By the way, one of the commercials at the break is for The Wolfman, the remake with Benecio del Toro and Anthony Hopkins. It looks freakin' awesome. I got chills watching it. I will be first in line on Feb. 12th when it opens. Hopefully it will be as cool as the Dracula remake in 1992 with Anthony Hopkins as well and Gary Oldman. One of the best remakes ever.


Yes, Michael C. Hall wins, another victory for Dexter!! Why is he wearing an idiotic looking skull cap on his head? He looks like he just underwent chemo, and if he did, I apologize right now for being insensitive. If he isn't going through chemo, he looks like a big fat goober. At any rate, this confirms how good the acting is on Dexter. Again, if you haven't gotten into it, go to Blockbuster or Netflix and get yerself educated.

Oh crap, I just Googled Michael C. Hall and he IS undergoing chemo for Hodgkins disease. Okaaay, I feel like a dick. Here is the official statement from Mr. Hall: "Dexter" star Michael C. Hall is undergoing treatment for cancer and the disease is in remission, a spokesman said. "I feel fortunate to have been diagnosed with an imminently treatable and curable condition, and I thank my doctors and nurses for their expertise and care," Hall, 38, said Wednesday in a statement.

The actor was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a cancer of the lymphatic system, which is part of the body's immune system. The disease is considered highly treatable with the potential for full recovery.

On with the show!!

So it's 7:03 and the show is now officially boring. That means, Beverage Time! And what is my beverage of choice for the Golden Globes? That would be a Guiness. Since the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is responsible for this show, I will go with a foreign beer. But more than that, Guiness, in my humble opinion, is the smoothest beer ever brewed. If you look closely at a Guiness as it is poured into a frosty glass (that you place into the freezer 30 minutes before you drink it), you get a lovely head on top. And you see a lovely display of black and tan intertwining until the tan makes its way just above the black and then you taste it so that some of the froth stays on your upper lip. HMMM, HMMM, DELICIOUS!

HELEN MIRREN ALERT!

Helen Mirren is now presenting one of the movies nominated for Best Picture. I'm looking at Helen Mirren and I feel ashamed. I think I would like to sleep with her. Is this wrong? I feel dirty. But she's hot.

This thing is really boring now, especially since I have randy thoughts of Helen Mirren going through my head. And now Drew Barrymore just won. Oh goody. However, her acceptance speech is kind of winning me over. Way to go Drew. A Hollywood survivor for sure.

Up in the Air just won a Screenplay award. This was my favorite movie of last year. The Wolf's (not the The Wolfman) favorite movie was Inglourious Basterds, which was my 2nd favorite movie of last year. Joyce aka Li'l Lois aka The Evil Sister's favorite movie from last year was The Hurt Locker, which is now out on DVD and which I will be watching this coming week.

SOPHIA LOREN ALERT!!

Wow! As Jil just said, she has had A LOT of work done. But she is still kind of hot and I kind of want to do her. I feel really dirty now. This is Sophia back in the day:

Best TV Series Drama--what will it be??? Dexter again??? Or Mad Men?? or Trueblood?? Or Big Love??

Mad Men wins!!! Great series. As Larry said, when you watch Mad Men, all you want to do is drink, smoke and fool around with the nearest secretary. Or Helen Mirren. Or a young Sophia Loren.

But hold on, Chloe Sevigny wins! She is Nicki on Big Love and she is also in a couple of other really cool and bizarre movies, like Boys Don't Cry and the Brown Bunny. The Brown Bunny is truly a weird movie. It was made by a guy who also made one of my favorite movies, Buffalo 66. And now, the dude who played The Jew Hunter in Inglouious Basterds just won for Best Supporting Actor. He was so good in this movie.

OK then.

Martin Scorcese is now given the Cecil B. DeMille award. My favorite would have to be either Taxi Driver or The Departed. Raging Bull a close second. Goodfellas is also right up there. Aw hell, all his stuff is good. Never did see the film he did about The Rolling Stones called Shine A Light. It looked good though.

Two beers in now...

This thing is not getting any more interesting. A quick rundown of the past two awards

• James Cameron wins for Best Director for Avatar. Didn't see it. He sounds like kind of a D-Bag. But he's a genius because he made Terminator, which is a classic.
  
• Glee wins Best New TV Series. Haven't seen much of it but love Jane Lynch. My favorite Jane Lynch movies are 40 Year Old Virgin and Role Models. And she is aces in Best in Show. She is pretty much awesome in any of her shows. But I don't want to sleep with her.

ALERT AT 8:36--THE HANGOVER WINS!!! Instant classic which should have won and did. I watched this again on a flight from South Carolina a few months back and laughed even harder the 2nd time. Favorite scene for me is when the guy from The Office sings the Doug Song. "Oh Doug, Doug, Dougy, Dougy, Doug."

Robert Downey Jr.

My favorite speech of the night and my favorite comeback of the past decade. He deserves every accolade he gets. He goes from being arrested, in rehab, arrested again, more rehab, a career debacle, then a resurgence and then that movie I didn't want to like but loved, Iron Man. And then we saw Sherlock Holmes over the weekend and he rocked in that. Way to go RD Jr.

****And now The Dude wins! This crappy show just got a whole lot better. This guy can do no wrong. Go back and watch The Fisher King and you will see him in one of the best roles of his already illustrious career. I haven't seen the movie he won for, Crazy Heart, but I now really want to see it. To quote The Dude again, "That rug really tied the room together."

Finally, the Best Movie of the Year and it is...

Avator. Whoop de effing do. Here is an image from Avatar to haunt your dreams:

Personal best and self control..it's fun!

I received some email from a trainer at my work today. He encouraged all of the sales guys to read it and really apply it so we can become better, more skilled, more focused and eventually make more money. For whatever reason, my first reaction to this kind of positive reinforcement is to tear it down and critique it with my oh-so-cynical eye. Why? Because life doesn't work the way you think it will. Having a great mental attitude is absolutely critical in many areas but it has to be tempered with humor, flexibility and some acceptance of fate. Things DON'T go your way and often it takes time to really "turn the boat around" and get heading in the right direction, no matter what your mental health may be.

To fully understand what we're dealing with, here is the POSITIVE email that was sent my way. (And my favorite phrase is "I've tamed the beast inside").

THE ULTIMATE BATTLE- the battle for self-control

I KNOW I CAN: I am not a complainer, a criticizer, or faultfinder. I am a builder, not a destroyer. My trademark is a blend of realism and optimism. My eye is always fixed on success, on what can happen, and on what is possible- not on their opposites.

I CONTROL ME: Anger, frustration, and fear must be controlled, or they most certainly will control me. I have tamed the beast inside.

I AM ALWAYS RELAXED: I don’t avoid pressure because to me pressure doesn’t exist. Pressure is something that other people put on themselves. Being put to the test is not a threat. It’s simply another opportunity to explore the outer limits of my potential.

I AM ENERGIZED: I am capable of getting myself pumped up and energized for doing my best, no matter how I feel or how bad or meaningless the situation. I am my own igniter and can do so in spite of fatigue, personal problems, or bad luck.

I AM DETERMINED TO SUCCEED: I am relentless in the pursuit of my goals. Setbacks are taken in stride as I inch my way further forward, ever onward.

I AM FOCUSED: I am capable of long and intensive periods of total concentration. I am capable of tuning in what’s important and tuning out what’s not; whether there is nothing on the line or everything on the line.

I AM A WINNER: I display a nearly unshatterable sense of confidence and belief in myself and my ability to perform well. I never fall victim to my own or others’ self-defeating thoughts and ideas. As a consequence, I am not easily intimidated. On the contrary, because of my confident appearance, I often become the intimidator.

I AM RESPONSIBLE: I take full responsibility for my actions; there are no excuses. I either did or I did not. Ultimately, everything begins and ends with me, and I am comfortable with that. I am fully aware that my destiny is in my own hands. My future is my own.

I AM DRIVEN FROM WITHIN: I don’t need to be pushed, shoved, or coerced from outside forces. My direction comes from within. I am involved because I want to be.

As you all know, most of the above is bullshit. So, here is my own version of THE ULTIMATE BATTLE:

I KNOW I CAN...CONTROL THE DVR PLAYER

This is the greatest invention of mankind--the DVR. And the power to control what you watch, when you want to watch it is unprecedented. But with this great power comes great responsibility. You have to manage your recording carefully; otherwise, you may expect to watch Mad Men only to find out it was knocked out of your playlist because your son decided to double record Danny and the Dingo and Mad Men didn't record. This unimaginable horror can be rectified by diligently checking your recordings on a daily basis to make sure your show will make your Playlist.

I CONTOL ME...BUT FIBER PILLS HELP IMMENSELY

I have found after travelling far and wide the past two months that nothing helps control your daily regimen like a fiber pill. Salad helps but to really achieve that perfect blend of regularity and constancy, you have to supplement with a little thing I like to call, Philly's Poo Buddy. Oh yeah, fiber is the bomb. And I mean "BOMB!"

I AM ALWAYS RELAXED...AFTER SEX

'Nuff said.

I AM ENERGIZED...AFTER COFFEE

Also, 'nuff said.

I AM DETERMINED TO SUCCEED...AT MAKING THE PERFECT DRINK

Here is Costanza's recipe for the ultimate drink on a Saturday night. Everyone have their pencils? You buy a bottle of Boylan Soda Company's Orange Seltzer Soda and place it in the freezer for about 10 minutes. While it is in the freezer, you carefully choose your glass. It should be hefty and fit comfortably in your hand, but not too deep. We are looking for a nice drink, not a frat house drunken free-for-all. Volume of drink and mixing of this drink are critical. Once you have chosen your glass, fill it 2/3 of the way with CRUSHED ice. This is absolutely essential. Crushed ice allows for the alcohol, the juice and the lime to mix into all sorts of different crevices and icy areas that make this drink oh so yummy.

Now, grab your limes. You MUST buy organic limes from a health food store. Trust me, they taste completely different from a lime in the regular grocery store. Cut this lime into sensible wedges and grab one of the wedges. Now squeeze it gently over the ice, making sure the lime juice covers the top layer of ice. Place the remainder of the lime in the glass. Next stop: alcohol. Vodka, to be exact. Your preference of vodka is in your hands but make it at least the caliber of Stoli or Grey Goose. Anything less and you're just drinking to get drunk. That's not our goal here folks.

Grab your shot glass and fill it with vodka. Pour slowly over the ice and lime. It should now be settled comfortably at the bottom of the glass after enjoying it's journey cascading down over the icy sheets of lime infused goodness nestling resplendently in your glass. Thirsty yet?

OK, last stop: get the seltzer from the freezer. Open and pour until the soda is covering all of the ice. Put the bottle down and grab your favorite stirring mechanism. As you stir, don't cause a ruckus. Just move the items around lovingly together in the glass so they can get to know one another. Once this is done, let your drink sit for about 1-2 minutes. This allows for all the mixed parts to really fuse as one and it also allows you time to get on your favorite sipping clothes and choose your favorite place to enjoy this wonderful elixir.

You're welcome.

I AM FOCUSED.

Hell yeah I'm focused, didn't you just read the above paragraphs???

I AM A WINNER...AT CONSISTENTLY KICKING MY OWN ASS

Is it not true folks that we are our own worst enemies? Can any other person truly jack up our lives like we can? I submit that no one has the power to fully wreck their own life path like ourselves. No one can sublimely and truthfully f*** up every good thing that comes their way like yours truly. If I just stopped for one second and didn't try so hard to become perfect and wonderful and make every decision THE EXACT RIGHT ONE, I would be doing a lot better. Bottom line: get out of your own way.

I AM RESPONSIBLE...FOR MAKING GABE'S BREAKFAST

This is actually really difficult. He doesn't eat a lot of varied items. So, to mix up a bagel with some apples and almond butter, like I did this morning, borders on genius. When he leaves for school full and happy, I am happy.

I AM DRIVEN FROM WITHIN...TO CREATE THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN PARTY

This really is my only true goal in life. My ultimate Halloween/Evil Ball party consists of horse drawn carriages, a castle, large gargoyles, character actors serving drinks dressed as the Wolf Man, Frankenstein, Dracula, et al, and a gourmet buffet with an open bar. This is my goal and this is The Beast that I must not tame, but let loose and let it run wild. I know I can do it and with these rules as my guide, I will succeed.

Super Easy Halloween Quiz!

These three students have been missing since 1994. Supposedly they are victims of a brutal crime tied to a legend around the town of Burkitsville, Marlyland. Which movie did they disappear from?

a. Three Dorks and a Baby
b. Three Geeks and a Website
c. Three Idiots and their GPS device that doesn't work
d. The Blair Witch Project

Answer: D. No matter what you may have heard about this movie, it is great. Go watch it.


The dapper gentleman above is walking around the streets of London. He has a very cool walking cane as well. On this walking cane there is an inscription. The inscription is:

a. Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
b. If this van is rockin', don't come knockin'!
c. Made in China
d. 'D' for Dracula

Answer: D. The 'D' is also part of a wolf's head that makes up the top of the cane. Also, Gary Oldman, who plays Dracula above, is famous for looking just like Costanza at a previous Evil Ball.


This werewolf is from which movie?

a. American Werewolf in Orem
b. American Werewolf in Manti
c. American Werewolf in Santa Fe
d. American Werewolf in London

Answer: D. Still one of the best werewolf/creature movies ever. Go watch it now.

THE BLOB

A remake of this movie is currently in the works. It will be done by Rob Zombie. The title of this movie is tentatively called:

a. Blob in Your Pants = Pantload
b. Blob for Apples
c. Blobby Brown and Whitney
d. The Blob

Answer: D. Zombie did a decent job of remaking the Halloween movies so this remake may be pretty cool.



The guy being impaled by a wagon wheel above was also in a series of movies recently based on a very popular fantasy book series. The movie series was:

a. Dragonslayer Kicks Bilbo's Ass
b. Gandalf the Gay
c. Sauron Sucks
d. Lord of the Rings

Answer: D. Christoper Lee, also famous for being in a gazillion horror movies, played the evil wizard Saruman.

A movie studio in England in the 60's and 70's put out about 200 different horror movies. The name of this studio is the name of a tool. The name is:

a. Screwdriver Films
b. Drill Press Studio
c. Electric Saw Movies
d. Hammer Studios

Answer: D. Hammer made some really bad movies but a few, like 5%, were pretty good. Evil of Frankenstein and Brides of Dracula are both good. Go watch them now.


The above scene is a very typical scene from a marriage. The husband and wife pictured are fighting about something (if you are married, you should answer this immediately). What are they fighting about?

a. Money
b. Family issues
c. Sex
d. Lack of attention
e. Communication issues
f. Someone snoring
g. Lack of sex
h. Control issues
i. Safe words during sex
j. Friends of their spouses that they hate
k. Kid problems
l. Things one of them won't do behind closed doors

Answer: All of the above. They're married, what do you expect?


The guy holding the chainsaw, Leatherface, does some serious running in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Who is he chasing?

a. His state senator because he wants to discuss a public option for upcoming health care reform.
b. His broker because his 401K is f***ed.
c. His current boss because he just got demoted.
d. Some stupid actress who eventually gets chainsawed.

Answer: D. But all of the above would work.


The dude on the trike is the main character for which movie franchise?

a. Dykes on Trikes
b. Clowns about Town
c. Chucky's Play Date
d. Saw

Answer: Saw of course. Go see the first one or the fourth one. They are creepy and cool.

Igor above is played by Marty Feldman. He is famous for his big...

a. Hands
b. Feet
c. Eyes
d. Cajones

Answer: C. Here is my favorite line from him in Young Frankenstein: "Ah, this reminds me of my dear old dad. The things he used to say to me." Dr. Frankenstein then asks him, 'What did he say?' Igor replies, "What are you doing in the bathroom all day? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"


In order to keep the Wolf Man's hair in place, the producers of this classic film used:

a. Butch Wax
b. Clear lacquer
c. Pommade
d. Super strong hair spray

Answer: None of the above. It was a wig.

Happy Halloween everyone! Evil Ball Six will appear next year--thank you for your patience during the Evil Ball's absence. Your wait will be rewarded.