Goodbye DTM (Don't Touch Me)

I got a slight promotion at work this week which is good news. I also will not be working with Don't Touch Me anymore which is also fairly good news. But, I can't help but think of the good times and great moments we shared over the past six weeks. I wanted to send him off with one last letter. So...

Dear Don't Touch Me,

As you know, I am not going to be working with you anymore. It's sad. I know you're hurting and feeling vulnerable but don't worry--you'll find someone new to bless shortly and all will be right in your world. Until that happens, here are some of my favorite moments from our time together.

Remember the very first time we met at the airport? You said hi and walked right by and didn't say anything else to me until we reached Canada? Remember how much fun that was? I didn't know you and figured you might be shy so I let it pass. We then drove three hours together and had brief blasts of conversation but we were still trying to figure each other out. The one thing that I do recall is when I asked you if you had any pet peeves that I could avoid. You paused, looked me full in the face and said,

"Yes, just one. DON'T. TOUCH. ME. EVER."

That was so cool. I felt very close to you at that moment because I was starting to really understand how you operated. Ok, don't touch, hey I get it. No problemo compadre. I can hang with that. You don't like to have any human contact. Got it.

And then, we stayed in that really crappy motel in Medicine Hat, Alberta and you would get up in the middle of the night and pee and not close the door and it was super loud. Oh, and you kept the TV on and typed on your laptop extra loud very late into the night because you couldn't sleep and didn't give a shit if anyone else did either. I felt like we bonded at that moment.

How about when you almost drove away without me when we were staying in Calgary because I wasn't in front of the hotel at 9:30am? I was in the breakfast area having breakfast but was unaware of when we were supposed to leave. You didn't tell me, see, so how could I have known? But you went ahead and told me how slow I was and grilled me on why I wasn't ready. And then remember when I told you to kiss my ass? That was cool. At least that broke down a little bit of your resistance to our budding relationship and you said, "Wow, I've never been rebuked like that before." Oh, and nice use of the word 'rebuke'. A solid Old Testament word if there ever was one.

Our next trip was Seattle and you were such a prankster. You turned the shower head outward so when I turned on the water, it sprayed all over me as I stood there in my sweats and t-shirt. That was funny. And you hid the towels. And you put random things in my briefcase like garbage scraps, paper wrappers, candy wrappers, etc. One thing that I loved about this trip was how you kept turning the wheel back and forth as you drove and also stomped on the brake and then hit the gas just to see how badly you could annoy me. I loved that. You scamp!

Connecticut was when you took pictures of your potty visits and sent them to me in text messages. And you berated me for how I put up the screen, the projector, placed sales pamphlets on the table and how I packed everything away the wrong way. Seriously, you were just bringing the charm and the good feelings really flowed. You also woke up at 6am this trip and yelled really loudly and I woke up totally panicking, thinking something was wrong, but no, it was just you being you. Crazy guy!

Finally, this last week, you came around. You actually let me play my iPod in the meeting room, you kind of closed the door during pee pee time and you sort of listened a little bit better when we had a conversation. Your A.D.D. was not too bad and your secret habit of smoking on the road, that you keep from your very religiously faithful wife who would easily have a stroke if she knew, was kind of quaint and endearing. You actually bought me lunch one day. I think you might miss me DTM.

I will miss you, that is for sure. Oh and one other thing Don't Touch Me:

Fuck you.

Love and hugs,

Costanza.

Life + Music = Soundtrack to your own movie

As you might have heard, I had an accident. But this post is not about that. All of you have heard way too much about it. Except Curt. I think he wants me to tell him again. Anyway, this is about what happened when I shared my accident with family members, one of which was Annie Griffin, and what she asked me. As I described the moment when my bike hit the truck and that I was listening to my iPod Shuffle (great product, by the way), and that my headphones remained in my ears as I was lying on my back, staring up at the sky wondering what I had broken (nothing, as it turns out), Annie asked me:

"What song were you listening to?"

A fantastic question. Because this could have been, and may still be, a life changing event and I had a soundtrack going as it occurred. At the moment of impact, I was listening to The Chemical Brothers, "The Drugs Won't Help You Know". Not my favorite Chemical Brothers song (my favorite is song #1 in this posts' Playlist, so you have an idea of what they sound like), but it now has the distinct place in my personal history of being 'the-song-that-was-playing-when-the-truck-turned-in-front-of-me-and-I-ran-into-it.' It got me thinking of other life events and the soundtrack that was playing as those events unfolded.

Life Event: Leaving the courthouse in Dallas after the judge declared my divorce was finally legal.

This was a bad moment for me. For 18 months, I had been thinking of this day and kind of looking forward to it and yet when it happened, I had the saddest and heaviest soul that I can remember having. It has to do with something dying. Something going away that at one time, however briefly, meant a great deal to me. And the years of trying to make it work and trying to change and be someone different so I could say I made my marriage work. But it didn't work. And it had to end.

So I ended it. The song accompanying my drive away from the courthouse that day was Bad Company's, "Can't Get Enough" (song #2 in Playlist). I drove my stupid gold Ford Ranger down a stupid Dallas freeway and bawled my eyes out while I listened to one of the great rock riffs of all time.

Life Event: The night I knew Jil and I had a future.

We were driving south on 800 East in Orem, early 2002. Probably going to Mom and Dad's but not sure about the destination. One of the things I like to do early on in my relationships with women is play music for them that may potentially scare them away. This tactic has two tremendous benefits: first, if they hate the music then you have to decide if you like them enough, right at that moment, to keep moving things forward or just shut it down; second, if they like the music, you may have a keeper. One of the best bands that can really put your potential gal pal on the spot is none other than Devo. If they can hang with Devo, they can hang period.

I didn't hesitate and I didn't warn her. I threw in "Through Being Cool" (#3 on the Playlist) and let it fly. And you know what Jilly did? She sang the whole freakin' song.

Life Event: Graduation night from Orem High School

1986. The scene was the gym at the soon to be demolished Orem High and it was time for the classic slow dance. The song that came on was Alphaville's "Forever Young", a perfect slice of over-emotive and synth happy 80's pop cheese (#4). At that point I had my whole life in front of me and it was full of possibility; I had no worries and I had everything to look forward to and I was not jaded, cynical or angry in the least. The melody of this song still holds all those things for me.

Life Event: Going to my first concert

The first concert I ever attended that meant something was Ozzy Osbourne. (Sorry Beach Boys-even though I saw you in 5th grade and had a blast, it was not my first official rock show). I was 12 years old. I remember asking Mom right around the 8th North exit in Orem if I could go to this show with Tim Chatterly, Steve Hazelett and Keith Beeston. I don't remember the magical combination of words I used to Jedi-mind trick her into agreeing to let me go, but she said yes.

The day of the show I went skiing and I was wearing gray ski bibs. On the mountain that day they had ski school for many of the elementary schools in the area and the parking lot was full of buses. It took forever to get home and when I finally did, all three of my buddies were sitting in Steve's brown Plymouth waiting anxiously for me so we wouldn't be late. I didn't have time to change and jumped right from Dad's truck, bibs and all, into the back seat and we tore off to SLC for Ozzy. On the way, we played "Over the Mountain" (#5) again and again to get psyched for the show. And did Ozzy deliver. Every show since has had to compete against that one. But man, I was really hot. Those were some quality ski bibs.

Life Event: Bonding with Gabe

Being a stepdad is very, very strange. I will save my stepdad philosophies for another post but the first hurdle (one of many) that has to be overcome is getting the kid to like you. If you like the lady, you need her kid to like you or you have no shot. There is no bond greater than single mother and son. The mama lion will do anything to protect the cub and if you think you are different than any other dude just because you're sleeping together, you are sorely mistaken. Ultimately, the child is father to the relationship.

My first encounters with Gabe were fine--not bad but not great. After a few meetings and hanging around Jil's house, I remember gaining enough trust that Jill would allow Gabe and I to go somewhere in my truck together. This happened more and more frequently and every time we would listen to music. He would ask me to repeat certain songs that he liked and he would sing along with the ones he really enjoyed. After about a year of dating Jil (and Gabe), I discovered a band called Blackalicious and their CD, Blazing Arrow. I had now moved into an apartment in Salt Lake and Jil and I were seeing each other on a daily basis. Gabe was my buddy and were were getting closer but my paternal feelings had not really kicked in yet. One day I played the Blazing Arrow CD for Gabe. From that point until now, Gabe says that is the CD that first gave him feelings of really seeing our threesome as being a family unit. That CD has been the soundtrack of our relationship together year in and year out. When Gabe was in L.A. this summer and got homesick, he played Blazing Arrow and said it immediately made him feel better. Our favorite track is #6, "Make You Feel That Way".

Life Event: Traveling to Palm Springs with Karl and his golf team

How in the world Dad was able to get me and his players on six or seven of the nicest golf courses in Palm Springs, for free, is beyond me. I know he had the connections but the more I think about it and the older I get, the more I appreciate and marvel at Karl's ability to swing the seemingly impossible. These trips were an absolute blast and gave me invaluable time to spend with his golfers and with him. I would take my music on these excursions and as we passed through Vegas and eventually got to the desert of south central California, I had a couple of songs that I had to play each and every year. One of those was The Tubes "Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman" (#7). To this day I have no idea why that song was the one I had to hear as we pulled into Palm Springs but it made an impression and still takes me to that time and place whenever I hear it.

Life Event: Finally leaving Texas for good

This is the last one in this post and it's a nice bookend to the life event of finalizing my divorce. Upon deciding to return to Utah, and after finding Hank the cat in my apartment in Plano and bonding with him, and after breaking up with my girlfriend in Texas, and having no work prospects and no desire to pursue any, I knew it was time to head home. I had some buddies from work come over and help me put my furniture in the rented U Haul; I had my ex-girlfriend come over and I gave her back all the stuff she gave me and when she said she'd like my number in Utah so she could call me I said no; I bought a small cat cage for Hank to ride in but he eventually wouldn't go in it so he rode on my lap most of the way on that trip; and the song that played as I pulled out of Plano and started a new chapter in my life was "Sunshine" by Alice in Chains (#8). I think my favorite line in this song is "Suck it one more time."

Ah yes, the soundtrack of our lives...

FAMILY AND FRIENDS QUIZ PART 2!!

Shellie T.

This is the Sister from the Great White Northwest. She came down in July for the Manti festivities and then proceeded on to Cedar City a week later, with Joanne, to take in the Shakespearean Festival. She got a little drunk and heckled the actors from the stage. Joanne was kind of embarassed but eventually got into it. What did Mother and Daughter shout from the audience in their inebriated state?

a. Nice tights! Looks like you got a roll of dimes in there!
b. Wow, I just love how you are emoting all over the place.
c. You ever see Dead Ophelia? She ruled and you suck!
d. My husband knows more about this stuff than you can even imagine! Amateur!!

ANSWER: No one knows what was said but they were escorted from the premises so I'm going with a.

Grant, Monet, Wolf and Wyatt

Larry just finished Leadville 2009 and he is celebrating with his family. He is also wearing a medal. What does this medal have inscribed on it?

a. Good job Wolf, please come back next year and buy more stuff to help our struggling Leadville economy.
b. Good job Chrome Knees, we knew you'd be back for more suffering.
c. Here's your damn medal, now get the hell out of our sleepy town so we can have some peace.
d. You made it under 12 hours.

ANSWER: All of the above. They can fit a lot of writing on those small medals.

Chloe and Monet

Monet is wearing a custom shirt to help cheer on her Grandpa and Uncle. She wore it reluctantly because what she really wanted written on the back was:

a. I have to come back here every year for how long? You've got to be kidding me.
b. Colorado sucks.
c. Go Lance!! Contador is an idiot!!
d. I went to Leadville and all I got was bad formula, a poopy diaper and crazy people waking up at 4:30am to ride their stupid bikes.

ANSWER: d. Monet is very bitter over the feud between Lance and Alberto. She wants revenge and she will have her revenge next year--Radio Shack 2010 baby!!

Riley in a bad way

What is going through Riley's head right now?

a. Wow, that Egg McMuffin was really a dumb decision.
b. Maybe I don't have to do everything that my father suggests. Maybe I can resist the Puppet Master. I have to try, don't I?
c. Who am I and what do I stand for?
d. Um, I need a PortaPotty, stat!!

ANSWER: Mostly d. However, a through c could also apply. He had a tough day in Leadville but finished. Good job nephew.

The Costanza Suite

This little contraption was built by Uncle Voo for the Tiny Terrors and was also conveniently nicknamed the Costanza Suite, so I could have a place to lay my weary head after six hours of mtn. bike torture courtesy of the Puppet Master. What other names could this hut be called?

a. The Dan I-broke-a-deck-chair Ross Punishment Center
b. The itinerant home of Gator, Bobo, Oil Can, Newbee and Spike
c. The Marconi Mansion, whenever he gets up there again
d. The Joanne and Joyce "Share a Secret" Sleepaway

ANSWER: All of the above. If I'm not sleeping in it and if the Tiny Terrors aren't sleeping in it, it's up for grabs.

Kate Ross

This is Kate and she is currently pursuing an advanced degree. What does she plan to do with this degree once it is obtained?

a. Take over the world.
b. Manage Isabel's singing career.
c. Hang it on the wall of her classroom and walk over to it occasionally, and in the voice of Gollum, repeat over and over, "My precious! My precious...".
d. Become a Principal and use her mighty powers for good.

ANSWER: d. But with a little bit of c thrown in.

Lane, Maddie, AJ

These three youngsters are seen here spending some quality time in Zion with their family. Just prior to this photo, what was going on with their vacation?

a. Robyn and Andy told the kids to go play in the pool because they needed adult "nap time".
b. Joyce brought wine out to the pool, spilled it, caused a scene and eventually fell into the hot tub.
c. Aunt Kristeen was seen over in the corner of the pool area with a rolled up dollar bill and some white powder around her nose. When AJ asked her about it, she said, "The powdered donuts here in Zion are awesome! I just can't get enough!"
d. Lane took a strategic dump in the kiddie pool.

ANSWER: c. Of course, Kristeen can't remember any of this happening.

Brett, Jack, Sarah, Jackie and Curt

What is Curt thinking about in this picture?

a. Was it the blue pill or the red pill? Can't remember which is the upper or the downer...
b. I wonder if Neil Young would like me?
c. I hate small, mini, single bucket, tractor-type loaders.
d. Why am I slicing my 3 wood? Why, Golf Gods, why?

ANSWER: All of the above. The Philospher Genius as a lot going on in his noggin.

Newbee, Voo, assorted fish

These guys were having a serious discussion while they caught these fish. What were they talking about?

a. Newbee was asking Voo if he liked him.
b. Voo was telling Newbee the difference between German tanks and Polish tanks and Newbee was trying to stay awake.
c. Newbee kept yelling, "Roid Sox! Roid Sox!" just to piss Voo off.
d. They were talking trash about Oil Can's waders and how gay they looked.

ANSWER: a. Newbee needs a lot of friend validation.

Teen Teen, Polly and Joyce

This photo was taken in a rare moment when all three of these women were in a good mood. After this picture, they started to fight. What kinds of names did they call each other?

a. Joyce said to Polly, "I can't believe you came from me you Georgia O'Keefe wannabe!"
b. Polly said to Joyce, "Thanks for being there Joan Crawford!"
c. Kristeen said, crying and wiping her nose and sniffing a lot, "Can't we all just get along?"
d. Polly said to Kristeen, "Grow a pair Leaf Eater! And put on some big girl panties while you're at it!"

ANSWER: Unsure. They all have a lot of issues to work out.

Voo and Wolf

Voo is bored and Wolf is happy. Enough said.

NEW QUIZ: FAMILY and FRIENDS EDITION!!

Holy crap I'm happy!

Annie just got something from Randy and then they snapped this photo. What did she receive?

a. She just got news that the bar was serving 2 for 1 drinks.
b. Randy just told her he had a vasectomy.
c. He gave her a huge diamond ring.
d. He told her they were going to move to Fiji and train dolphins (editors note: don't do this kids, it only ends in tears and divorce).

ANSWER: C. Go see the ring Randy gave Annie for their Anniversary on their blog. It's huge.

Wyatt and Lyndsey

Lyndsey has been going to school over the past year and is now working in a certain medical field. What is she currently doing and how does this affect Wyatt?

a. She is a dental assistant and this in no way affects Wyatt's life of working 10 hours a week, sleeping in, going to rock shows, moving apartments every four weeks and mooching off of Riley.
b. She is a brain surgeon and has been practicing on Wyatt. If you talk to him you probably can't tell the difference.
c. She is now a massage therapist and Wyatt is getting free massages, another perk of having the Life of Jimmy.
d. She is a nail technician and this has affected Wyatt's life negatively because she is always prying his hands off of his beers to give him manicures.

ANSWER: a. Good job Lyndsey on moving into the dentistry field! Go talk to our cousin Brett for some good drug tips.

Becky, Monet, Jackie and Jack

The two ladies above are new Grandmas. When asked if they would like to have another baby and be a Mom again, what did they say?

a. Get that thing away from me before I cut it off!!
b. Drugs are gooooooooood!
c. Over my dead ovaries!!
d. Go to hell Costanza, we're enjoying our time as Grandmothers.

ANSWER: all of the above.

Hayley, Grant, Annie

This is Milo at a recent family function. He mostly resembles:

a. A returning missionary at his homecoming party.
b. A new missionary at his farewell party.
c. A Jehovah's Witness with two new recruits.
d. A Scientologist with mind controlling powers.

ANSWER: a. He looks wise enough to have been on a mission but just naive enough to have no clue what the world holds for him.

Dan Ross and Karl Tucker

These two guys are in the middle of an intense discussion. What are they talking about?

a. Karl is telling Dan to "Just go play."
b. Dan is trying to follow Karl as he name drops half of Utah County and expects Dan to know who the Assistant Principal's brother in law of Provo High is.
c. Karl is making sure Dan knows how serious it is when Dan grabs Karl's oxygen tube, bends it and cuts off the oxygen supply "just for fun".
d. Dan just asked Karl for directions to the bathroom in Hayley and Grant's house and Karl sees it as a perfect teaching moment.

ANSWER: Who the hell knows what these dudes were yammering about.

Gabe and Anthony

Gabe and Anthony have a new brother named Matteo. What does this name mean in Italian?

a. Pass the linguini dammit!
b. I'm somehow related to Marconi and pissed about it.
c. Roman God of Thunder
d. My relatives in Sicily made mats for a living.

ANSWER: Who the hell knows what Matteo means? He's a good baby and happy to be a part of the extended family.

Gabe practicing.

Gabe was completely infatuated with rollerblading in June. What is his level of interest in this activity now (August 20)?

a. He is practicing daily and will soon begin training for the 2018 Summer Olympics.
b. He uses his blades as a mode of transportation to get ice from the 7-11 for Costanza's adult beverages.
c. He deftly rotates this activity with his other summer activities: biking, boarding, golfing and swimming.
d. He wore them twice and has no further interest in this sport.

ANSWER: d. That one was too easy.

Mystery finger.

The above finger belongs to someone in Jil's family who also just messed up her knee while running. Who is it and what will most likely be her next accident?

a. This is Gina and she will next sprain her wrist pouring herself a glass of wine.
b. This is Irene and she will sprain her middle finger of her other hand as she gives Evans Gate House the finger while she leaves to pursue another job (way to go Irene!).
c. This is Kris and she will chip her tooth trying to open a beer without an opener.
d. This is McKenna and she will develop narcolepsy in school this year.

ANSWER: It's Kris and we hope she feels better soon! Oh, and use an opener.

Ice Cream Man

This is Costanza holding a lucious ice cream from Baskin Robbins. What does he also wish he was holding?

a. Jil's hand because she is the light of his life.
b. His Mommy's hand because she is the light of his life.
c. One of his siblings hands' because they are the lights of his life.
d. A Jack and Coke because it does the trick every time.

ANSWER: d. That was also too easy.

Canada Wrap Up: Yee-Hah, I'm going home!!!

Wow, I really don't think I've been this excited to get back from a trip as this one. I mean, I barely got any sleep last night because I was so pumped to fly out of Canada, away from my insane and inane roommate and just be back in good ol' SLC for a while. I won't go so far as to say I hated the guy I had to work and hang out with, but I will say that he is not making my Halloween party list.

Below are some of the various things he did to constantly annoy and bug me:

• Farted all the time.
• Burped all the time.
• Made loud noises and yelled at random moments just to see my reaction.
• Bossed me around until I told him to kiss my ass.
• When driving, he would press on the gas, then the brake, then the gas just to get a rise out of me and just to generally be a complete idiot.
• Staying up until 1am every night, on his computer, which in turn kept me up until 1am.
• Did not tell me when he wanted to leave in the morning until I was in the middle of breakfast and then he said we had to go.
• Did goofy dances when he listened to his iPod that made me uncomfortable.
• Went to the bathroom with the door open.
• Left towels all over the bathroom floor.

There are a bunch of other things he did that I could go on about but suffice it to say, he sucked. However, believe it or not, he is good at sales and our team did really well.

That's enough about that jackass.

Canada: my impressions of this country are twofold.
1. The people are very sheep-like. Since they've been in a country that has told them what to do for so long, they do exactly what you tell them to do. It's pretty cool. They are also very surprised when you try to make friendly small talk. They look like someone just nudged them awake in the middle of a movie. They are surprised and then eventually delighted that you decided to speak to them. Very strange folk but very nice.
2. No national identity. I mean, name some Canadian food. Name a good Canadian band (except Neil Young, he is technically a solo artist and his band mates came from either the U.S. or U.K. Oh, and Rush, because I still like them even though they are the geekiest band ever). Name a good Canadian movie. The only one I can think of is Strange Brew with Bob and Doug Mackenzie. Name a national figure from Canada (except again, Mike Weir and maybe Wanye Gretzky, but that's not very many). I couldn't get a handle on what gives Canada its uniqueness. From what I could see, it wants to continue to be the U.S's baby brother. Oh well.

Lastly, I had some breakfast at Oasis Cafe this morning on the way home from the airport and the coffee was exceptional. As it should be.

Day 4 in the Great White North

First of all, thank you Japan, thank you Thailand: we've had sushi and Thai cuisine the past two nights and both meals were excellent. And, good coffee today so Canada is not as lame today as it was yesterday. However, it is rainy and wintry cold outside which does not bode well for the weekend. We had planned to drive the 120 miles to Banff on Sat. afternoon but if the weather is bad, it is a matinee in Canada. Which sounds incredibly sad.

I am on my mission again, that is for sure. I live with my sales manager/companion all day, every day; we eat together, sleep in the same room, drive in the same car, work the same room and basically never leave each other's side. If I am getting on his nerves like he is getting on mine, this relationship may blossom into a full blown hate-affair by the time our plane leaves Sunday morning.

Anyway, this trip is getting really old really fast and I can't wait to get back home. Will I miss Canada? No. I will not miss anything about this country. It is lame and turning me into a sour angry person.

Canada Day 3: Calgary

We are now in Calgary which is a relief but still no relief from the flies. They are everywhere. The food has not gotten any better today and the coffee is still poor. However, our hotel is much nicer and since I'll be staying here for the next five days, that is good news.

The crowd at our lunch event today was unusual to say the least. Let me sum it up with this: how many Jewish Cowgirls do you know? I know one now and her name, her Jewish name, is Sarhah. She wore a huge cowboy hat and a large Jewish star pendant to the workshop today. However, she left early so I didn't get to experience the full weirdness that her persona promised. Instead I got the weirdness of Owen and his mother who kept talking to us even 30 minutes after the workshop ended. About strange Canadian stamps that you can purchase on the post office. That was awkward.

Not too sure yet about this experience here in Canada. I wake up depressed and go to bed depressed but the days seem ok. Every day is another dollar in the bank which is the cut and dried, cold hard fact.

We are going to sushi tonight and we'll see if that is any better on the food front. In the meantime, it's off to shake hands with more Canadians. They are nice folk and very proper. Still trying to find out how best to connect with them.

I've heard Canadian weed is good.