Sunday, September 27, 2009

Goodbye DTM (Don't Touch Me)

I got a slight promotion at work this week which is good news. I also will not be working with Don't Touch Me anymore which is also fairly good news. But, I can't help but think of the good times and great moments we shared over the past six weeks. I wanted to send him off with one last letter. So...

Dear Don't Touch Me,

As you know, I am not going to be working with you anymore. It's sad. I know you're hurting and feeling vulnerable but don't worry--you'll find someone new to bless shortly and all will be right in your world. Until that happens, here are some of my favorite moments from our time together.

Remember the very first time we met at the airport? You said hi and walked right by and didn't say anything else to me until we reached Canada? Remember how much fun that was? I didn't know you and figured you might be shy so I let it pass. We then drove three hours together and had brief blasts of conversation but we were still trying to figure each other out. The one thing that I do recall is when I asked you if you had any pet peeves that I could avoid. You paused, looked me full in the face and said,

"Yes, just one. DON'T. TOUCH. ME. EVER."

That was so cool. I felt very close to you at that moment because I was starting to really understand how you operated. Ok, don't touch, hey I get it. No problemo compadre. I can hang with that. You don't like to have any human contact. Got it.

And then, we stayed in that really crappy motel in Medicine Hat, Alberta and you would get up in the middle of the night and pee and not close the door and it was super loud. Oh, and you kept the TV on and typed on your laptop extra loud very late into the night because you couldn't sleep and didn't give a shit if anyone else did either. I felt like we bonded at that moment.

How about when you almost drove away without me when we were staying in Calgary because I wasn't in front of the hotel at 9:30am? I was in the breakfast area having breakfast but was unaware of when we were supposed to leave. You didn't tell me, see, so how could I have known? But you went ahead and told me how slow I was and grilled me on why I wasn't ready. And then remember when I told you to kiss my ass? That was cool. At least that broke down a little bit of your resistance to our budding relationship and you said, "Wow, I've never been rebuked like that before." Oh, and nice use of the word 'rebuke'. A solid Old Testament word if there ever was one.

Our next trip was Seattle and you were such a prankster. You turned the shower head outward so when I turned on the water, it sprayed all over me as I stood there in my sweats and t-shirt. That was funny. And you hid the towels. And you put random things in my briefcase like garbage scraps, paper wrappers, candy wrappers, etc. One thing that I loved about this trip was how you kept turning the wheel back and forth as you drove and also stomped on the brake and then hit the gas just to see how badly you could annoy me. I loved that. You scamp!

Connecticut was when you took pictures of your potty visits and sent them to me in text messages. And you berated me for how I put up the screen, the projector, placed sales pamphlets on the table and how I packed everything away the wrong way. Seriously, you were just bringing the charm and the good feelings really flowed. You also woke up at 6am this trip and yelled really loudly and I woke up totally panicking, thinking something was wrong, but no, it was just you being you. Crazy guy!

Finally, this last week, you came around. You actually let me play my iPod in the meeting room, you kind of closed the door during pee pee time and you sort of listened a little bit better when we had a conversation. Your A.D.D. was not too bad and your secret habit of smoking on the road, that you keep from your very religiously faithful wife who would easily have a stroke if she knew, was kind of quaint and endearing. You actually bought me lunch one day. I think you might miss me DTM.

I will miss you, that is for sure. Oh and one other thing Don't Touch Me:

Fuck you.

Love and hugs,



  1. You and Don't Touch Me remind me of the two guys in "Fargo".....

    Great posting........

    Oh and one other thing Costanza:

    Fuck You

  2. It's true, we were those guys in Fargo. Lucky I didn't wind up in a wood chipper.