Customer Service

The other day I was in Best Buy getting a new set of speakers for my SUV. I looked at all my choices on that wall they have with the speakers and tried to figure out which one would be best for my vehicle. I went over to a Best Buy guy and asked him what he would recommend for my price range. He came over and helpfully showed me the selections that would fit my budget. While this was going on, another guy was looking at the same wall and he was beginning to invade my personal space. He was scooting closer and trying to hear what the sales guy was telling me and when he heard something about a certain speaker, he would chime in with, "Yeah, that's a good brand. I had some of those in my first car" or "Those speakers are kind of bad, they don't have a really well defined high pass filter" and so on. This was super annoying. This guy is a member of the Lonely White Middle Aged Dude species, whom I will describe in more detail further in this post. I immediately went into defense mode and thanked the sales guy and got right away quickly. I then looked at CD's for 10 minutes waiting for the area to clear. I peeked around the corner and no one was standing by the speakers. I walked over, grabbed the box on the shelf and headed for the check out. My plan was to install them myself. Bad plan. I have no idea how to install speakers. It involves cutting and splicing wires. This is the same for me as building a goddamn hospital. No chance.

So, the next day I want back and had Jai, the Best Buy install guy, install my speakers. He told me to wait since it would be about an hour. After 30 mins, I wandered over to look through the window into the car installation bay to see how he was progressing. And what was Jai doing? He was texting. Both my car doors were open and he was standing out in the sun, texting. A 30 min. job became one hour and 10 minutes because he had to break up the job with texting. This is the state of our customer service. To underscore this further, Jil and I were at Cabela's on Sunday to buy shoes with a gift card I won at a golf tourney. We looked at some options and then I looked for someone to help us. I walked over to the counter and saw a person with a Cabela's shirt and said, "Excuse me...", she turned around and said, "Yeah?" Like I was trying to hit on her in some bar or accost her for money. I kind of got pissed and said, louder than usual, "Yes, I need some help in the shoe department." She said to give her a minute, she was helping someone else, and then she would help me. So, 2 minutes later she comes over and I show her the shoes I want to try. She looks over her shoulder and points with her thumb and says, "They are over there, see if you can find your size. Anything else?" No, you piece of customer service SHITE, I don't need anything else except a ball peen hammer. Seriously. Why even have people in your store if they don't care to help you?

On to Blockbuster: this is quickly rivaling Wal-Mart as my favorite weird person observation place. I got this week pass for unlimited videos and games while I was off work this week so Jil and I could catch up on some movies (Gran Torino great; Last Chance Harvey pretty good; Vicky Cristina Barcelona sexy). I have been making a daily trek to our neighborhood Blockbuster and every time I go, right in front of me in the check out line is Lonely Middle Aged White Guy Who Shares Too Much Information.

This guy is a curious sub-species of the human race. Let me describe him: overweight with a belt on that usually holds a Leatherman, a cell phone or both; balding or with a baseball hat on; old, beat up shoes and cargo pants or loose gym shorts and a very tight fitting T-shirt. This person shares too much. One day a member of this race was telling the clerk about how he built his home theater sound system from scratch and how sweet it sounded when he played Blue Ray discs through a disc player he bought at Circuit City when they were going out of business and how awesome it looked on his 70" screen. The B-buster clerk kept his head down and tried to finish the transaction as quickly as possible, throwing in a "Wow, that's cool" or "Uh-huh, sounds nice" and obviously getting more uncomfortable the longer this guy shared his life and his TV set up. The next day another member of this race shared his opinion on a certain movie franchise (I think it was the Species horror films) and how the one they filmed here in Utah was "really bad, I mean that thing sucked." He kept asking the clerk her favorite franchise films and she drew a blank. She just wanted him to vacate the rental area.

I have a soft spot for these dudes. They just want some attention and validation that their lives mean something. That it is important that they have nice stuff or have an opinion. The problem is their judgment: they are sharing information with people who just don't give a shit. And this is really the point of this post--Customer Service people ultimately do not care whether you are happy with your experience in their store or not. They just want to get past you as quickly as possible because you remind them that they are in a bad job with bad pay and that the prospect for improving their lives is slim. The next time you see Lonely White Dude, be sympathetic. The next time Customer Service Jerk treats you poorly, let them have it. Show no mercy. Ask for their supervisor (Jil does this) and complain. Be the Sherriff of your retail neighborhood and it might improve. And if you want to see exceptional customer service, get out of the Village and come up to SL County and visit one of the three Cafe Expresso Drive Thru Coffee Kiosks and you will see very happy workers who ask you how your day is, what you're doing today, if you need extra chocolate coffee beans or if they can start a punch card for you. I love these people because somehow, someway, they have figured out a way to care about their job. And that makes all the difference.

Death--Riley Tucker Guest DJ

Death

A lot of death has occurred over the past two weeks. Here is a quick rundown:

• Sassy the Cat, hit by a car on the East side of Larry and Becky's house. Sassy was about six years old and could barely be seen except in fast, fleeting moments as she darted around the Wolf's property.
  
• One Small Trout, caught by Voodoo Vern at the annual Cabin Opening Weekend, which also included the death of about 15 Jack and Cokes.
• Red Dog, Randy Griffin's dad's dog that was hit by a car in Blanding.
  
• Farah Fawcett, legendary Charlie's Angel who died of cancer after a courageous fight trying to overcome this deadly disease. Everyone had the famous poster on their wall, including Brian Hatch because Dean showed it to me one day as we snuck into Brian's room to look for...well, enough said. I had the other poster of Farah as she was riding a skateboard because I had the same skateboard and because her jeans were really tight. Super tight. Don't have many more memories of Farah than those.
• Michael Jackson, King of Pop. Can't say much more than what has already been said about MJ. My early memories of Michael are twofold: first, I heard "Rock With You" on a plane while travelling to a golf tournament in California when I was 14. I loved it even though at the time I was way into punk and thought that kind of disco rubbish was useless. However, it was and still is my favorite MJ song. Second, I remember going to a golf tourney in Chuck O'Brien's car the week "Thriller" came out and putting in the cassette tape and listening to "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" and loving it. Even today, with all the music available for download, Gabe just bought "Beat It" and listens to it constantly. We'll miss ya Michael.
• Ree Goorman, Steve Goorman's Mother. Ree passed away after suffering from Alzheimer's for 20+ years.
  
• Jackie Stice, Steve Goorman's Sister. Jackie sufferred from dementia and had a very tragic decline since I first met her in 2001. She was a great person with a tremendous spirit and was only 56. (BTW: Steve is Gabe's biological father).

We attended the service for Ree and Jackie last night at Eastlawn Cemetary and it was very beautiful. One of the speakers mentioned his time in Nigeria and shared some thoughts that the Nigerians have on death (I'm paraphrasing): "Western medicine is obsessed with keeping death at bay and treating death as the enemy. Death is not the enemy, human sufferring is the enemy. Death is natural and should never be feared or avoided. It is the natural end to all of our lives." Easy to say when death is not right at your doorstop. We feel very badly for Steve at this time but he has expressed his relief at not watching his mother and sister suffer any longer.

Nothing puts your life into focus and re-frames it like a funeral service. I kept thinking as I listened to the speakers, What would someone say about me when I die? It is a very self-centered experience, being at a funeral for someone else but only thinking of yourself, but I almost couldn't help it. We all want to make an impact on others and have our lives mean something. It can't all just be in vain, can it? As Jackie's friends spoke about her kindness, her loving personality and generosity, I had to step back and re-evaluate--where am I going and what are the most important thing(s) in my life?

Famous Fathers for Fathers Day

In honor of Fathers Day, here are some famous fathers and why they should always be remembered and revered and this holiest of holy days:

Al Hendrix, Father of Jimi Hendrix

Known for his generosity and kindness, Al Hendrix raised Jimi, and his older brother Leon, as a single father from the time Jimi was 10 years old. He gave Jimi a ukele, then eventually an acoustic guitar and an electric guitar which Jimi took to immediately. Jimi never took guitar lessons but just developed his technique on his own. Al was always supportive of his son's desire to play music and express himself creatively. Al was also a retired war veteran and spent most of his working years as a gardener. After Jimi died, Al fought for control of Jimi's recordings and legacy and eventually won all rights to Jimi's name and music in 1995. He founded Experience Hendrix, a management company dedicated to preserving Jimi's legacy. He was also instrumental in getting archived material out to the public of many of Jimi's 'lost' recordings. Al was a great father and was dedicated to both of his sons until he died in 2002 of heart failure.

Gene Simmons, KISS

I have been a fan of KISS for 30 years and Gene has always been my least favorite character. Yes he was kind of evil as 'The Demon' and had a cool tongue and spit blood and breathed fire and all that. But, he was just sort of so over the top that he became a distraction to the music and the rest of the band. Later as he become more well known for his business dealings and his ability to brand KISS into one of the most recognizable names in pop culture, every time you heard him speak or read about him, he was always bragging about how many women he has slept with or how much money he was worth. I had written him off as just a greedy, selfish rock idiot.

Jil and I then started watching Family Jewels which is a reality show based on Gene's family: his girlfriend of 25 years Shannon Tweed, his son Nick and daughter Sophie. After two or three episodes it becomes clear that Gene in addition to being greedy and a blowhard is surprisingly, a fantastic father. He is self-deprecating when he needs to be, very open in communicating how he feels towards his family and how much they mean to him. And, very meddlesome (and caring) in trying to arrange dates for his daughter and helping his son Nick form a rock band. What you quickly learn from this show is that this guy really just wants to be the best dad possible and he takes it seriously. I read just recently a quote that says the definition of a man is that he takes his life and the lives of those he loves very seriously. Who knew? Gene Simmons, awesome dad.

Karsten Solheim, Father of the Ping Putter

Is there a better putter on the planet than a Ping Putter? No. Lots of good ones out there and even Tiger's putter, which is a Titleist, is made after the Anser 4 model which Ping made back in 1985. Karsten is the father of this wonderful club and named it after the nice little 'ping' sound that you get when you strike your ball in the sweet spot. His company now makes all kinds of golf stuff including the G2 Driver, which new father Grant Rowan hits very hard and very long. Thank you Karsten for making all of our golf lives a little bit ping-ier.

Bill Gates, philanthropist, billionaire and Father of the Xbox

An invention is good and valuable if it's value is made known immediately. The Xbox, which Bill didn't really invent but he is the Father of Microsoft so therefore pretty much the father of the Xbox, is a fantastic device which becomes useful the minute it's plugged in. Why? So your children can spend hours entertainng themselves with Halo, Deadrising, Street Ball 4, Ghost Recon and Guitar Hero while you and the spouse get busy with other 'things'. I mean, getting some time with your lover is a tough thing to do when you have kids. Especially during the summer months when they are home a lot. But, rent them a new game from Blockbuster, take them down in the basement, and turn it on. Then go get your spouse turned on and you will have 15 mintues of uninterupted love time. I say 15 because I've heard some guys can hang on that long. I think it's a myth myself. Anyway, if you only need five minutes, get the Xbox and distract your kids. Thanks Bill Gates!

Finally, Father Time

This guy is a real asshole. He is not kind, generous or attentive. He sets his wheel in motion and then lets the rest of us panic and flounder about trying to make the best use of our time until he takes it away, using his half-brother the Grim Reaper, another asshole. These guys make us feel guilty for not using every minute of our lives as productively as possible. They know that the time we have is finite and that we won't get any more. So if we are not utilizing the time alloted to us, we are therefore wasting time. And wasting time, to Father Time, is a bad, bad thing. He makes us realize, after we waste time, how precious our time on Planet Earth is and how we need to seize that time or forever feel regret as we look back and think of the things we should or shouldn't have done with our time. Father Time really at his core essence, doesn't care what you think of him. His love is not based on whether you are happy. His love is based on the complete awakening that each of us has one day, that one moment in our lives where we look in the mirror and finally understand with awful certainty, Fuck, I Am Going To Die. At that moment, Father Time is your best friend.

The People's Quiz!

Current Events Quiz for Everyone Who Can't Win Voo's Quiz About German Saboteurs Even Though They Spent 30 Minutes Trying to Find it on Google:

OK, this scary guy was sentenced this week to life in prison for murder. Who is he and what is he famous for?

1. A Ducks Unlimited sponsor who killed too many ducks.
2. An exiled Russian count who murdered his maid because she hid all of his wigs.
3. Our long lost cousin Steve Tucker, who effectively has murdered all of his relationships with other Tucker family members.
4. Phil Spector, record producer, who murdered a young girl by shooting her in the mouth.

Answer: 4. Phil Spector is famous for creating the "Wall of Sound" production technique that was very famous in the late 50's and 60's, especially with many girl groups from that era. Some of the famous artists he worked with are Ike and Tina Turner, John Lennon and George Harrison and at one point the Ramones. He actually produced one of my favorite Ramones albums, End of the Century. However, he is a real dirtbag and a killer. The picture below is Phil with one of his many wigs. I hope he rots in hell.

Phil Spector: Asshole

Jack Jones: Welcome to Planet Earth mister!

This cute little son of a gun was born on Sunday to Sarah and Brett and he could not be cuter. Apparently he has even started to respond to hammers and screwdrivers as Brett holds them in front of his face. He will probably grow up to build weird shit like his dad. So....

How many hours was Sarah in labor and which pain numbing procedure will she crave for the rest of her life?

1. She snorted coke off of the bed pans prior to giving birth and kept yelling at Brett, "Hey Daddy-O! How about a little help here!!!" as she gave birth in a quick 30 minutes.
2. She was in labor just 90 minutes after Randy Griffin brought in his favorite bong and they took bong rips for two hours before Jack was born.
3. Uncle Voo came by and they did Jack Daniels shots for 3 hours and then she gave birth in a zippy 15 minutes. Wee!!
4. She was in labor 3 hours and was so thankful for the epidural that she wants one every day, not only for herself, but for her parents and siblings because it not only made her feel good, it made everyone else seem so much cooler.

Answer: 4. Epidurals rule!

Combined IQ: 7

The two lovely people above have one thing in common:

1. They both have read exactly one book each and that book is, coincidentally, George W. Bush's favorite book, My Pet Goat.
2. They are famous for being on a reality TV show called Americans are Really Gullible and Will Watch Anything Even a couple of Ass Clowns like Us.
3. They just left another reality TV show called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here! which is basically like watching scorpions kill each other but not as interesting.
4. They are both trapped in a marriage so fake, transparent and soulless that it makes Jon and Kate's marriage look like a sweet fairy tale.

Answer: 3 and 4. The two people of questionable talent are Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who became famous for being on The Hills. They have no talent except the talent to appear to have a life everyone wants and so people watch them because we are a celebrity obsessed nation and one day we will pay dearly for our transgressions. May they both rot in hell.

I got you babe...and you too!

Chastity Bono made an announcement this week. What was it?

1. That she still will not take up skiing (Sonny Bono, I'm sorry buddy, I know that was in poor taste. Still funny though!).
2. That she loves black western shirts like Johnny Cash and will wear them every day for the rest of her life.
3. That she is going to change her sex from female to male and be known as Chaz Bono.
4. That even though her mother Cher made 54 (!!!) albums since 1965, and even though no one can remember the title of one of her songs except the hit with Sonny when they had their variety show, except that one called Believe, Chastity still loves her very much wishes her mom all best with her next round of plastic surgery.

Answer: 3. Chastity will undergo her sex transformation operation next month and will emerge as Chaz Bono, the Hero of the Transgendered.

Am I the lamest person alive? YOU BETCHA!!!

Sarah "I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles...holy crap, there's Russia!" Palin is mad at David Letterman. What did he say that made her mad?

1. That her husband Todd is actually cool and that she sucks like no other.
2. Dave mentioned that all the money she spent on clothes during her campaign had to be given back, with receipts, and that the only way for her to compete against Michelle Obama's sterling fashion sense would be for Michelle Obama not to exist.
3. That while she was in town and attending a Yankees game, Alex Rodriguez knocked up one of her daughters during a break in the game.
4. Dave said, "Sarah, if you wink at me one more time I will have my pet crow Horrorshow peck your eyes out."

Answer: 3. Dave said this in his opening monologue and meant it for her oldest daughter Bristol, who was knocked up by Levi, the hockey player, but now they have broken up. Actually in town with Sarah was her younger daughter Willow and Sarah has now used this sliver of news as another reason to shove her smug, idiotic mug right back into the face of mainstream media and into our homes. Sarah, I seriously hope you rot in the lower rings of hell.

This band has a steadfast rule: wear a hat, show your tummy or you're out of the band chump!

The Black Eyed Peas had their first No. 1 hit record this week. What is it called and what kind of music is it?

1. The song is called Please Lower Your Expectations (While I Lower My Pants) and the music is the heaviest black metal imaginable.
2. The song is called Lazy Day (Don't Put the Joint Away) and it is a reggae inspired R&B slow jam.
3. The song is called Bottle Rocket (Get Your Hand Out of My Pocket) and it is a country western tune.
4. The song is called Boom Boom Pow and it is a minimalistic dance number with inane lyrics, weird verses and really bad rapping.

Answer: 4. You can turn on your radio now and hear it. It will be there. It is ALWAYS there.

I need a facial from Jil!!

This is a soccer player named Ronaldo. He is dating a very famous person. Who is he dating and if they have kids, will they be as cute as Jack Jones or Monet Rowan?

1. He is dating Adam Lambert and they will adopt a very cute kid from Brazil but this kid will not be as cute as Jack or Monet.
2. He is dating Chastity Bono and is now super pissed that she will become a dude and that they won't be able to have kids.
3. He is dating David Beckham and they will order Posh Spice to have their kids for them and they will be ok looking but still won't compare to Monet or Jack.
4. He is dating Paris Hilton and they will have kids that are ugly little shits with ugly little personalities and bad acne.

Answer: 4. Paris and Ronaldo, have fun rotting in hell with Phil Spector, Heidi and Spencer and Sarah Palin.

Phil and The Gays

I am a magnet for gay men. Seriously. I don't know what it is, my cool beard, my somewhat thin but still youthful spiky hair or my incredibly taut buttocks, but the Gays love me. How do I know this? A story from that endless supply of blog material, the Wal-Mart:

Sunday morning I went on my usual grocery run and moved through the aisles quickly. Not a lot of folks on Sunday which is the best time to hit the WM. I chose my check out line carefully because I had a record time going and didn't want to jack it up with some dough head of a check out person. This is harder than it looks because the people checking you out at WM are deceiving--the ones that look fast suck and the ones that look super slow and lame are very fast. The lane I chose had a guy who looked really lame and I figured I was going to zip through.

No such luck. The guy, his name is Josh the Gay Cashier at Wal Mart, was awful. He didn't know any of the codes for the veggies or fruit, he didn't move quickly and he kept staring at the keyboard of his check out lane, looking for some kind of inspiration or something. He had hair that was a combo of Roy Orbison and Adam Lambert and a really bad fake tan. Plus he looked at least 50 with this ridiculous hair do. But, being the nice guy that I am, I was friendly and patient. As I moved my cart into position to put my bags in, he looked up at me and began checking out my package. Um, my groceries, I mean.

This was the exchange:

Gay Josh: Hi, how are you?
PT: Good, yourself?
GJ: Great. Is it still raining outside?
PT: Yes.
GJ: Oh good, I hate it when it's all sunny out and I'm stuck in here. (Now, you have to imagine him saying this like Fred Schneider of the B-52's, with a super effeminate accent and with his voice escalating on the "stuck". By the way, I'm a fan of the B-52's which may explain my gay magnetism. But, I digress.)
PT: Yeah, that's a bummer. At least it's not too busy.
GJ: OH MY GOD!!! I know!!! I'm so happy about that because people come to Wal Mart with their babies and just let them SCREAM!! It drives me nuts! So, it's nice to have some quiet!
PT: Yep.
(Now we have a period of silence where I put my bags in the cart while Josh is still checking out the remainder of my groceries. He is fumbling with my balls, um, I mean bags, and he is super nervous. I do look hot: I have on my sexiest jeans with flip flops, a white long sleeve T-shirt with the sleeves pulled up to reveal my rippling forearms and a baseball cap. Plus my beard is a little overgrown so it looks extra manly).
GJ: OK, is that everything?
PT: Yep, I think so. (I begin using the electronic pad to finish the purchase)
GJ: Um, can I ask you something?
PT: Sure.
GJ: Are you a FIREFIGHTER or a POLICE OFFICER?
PT: (flabergasted and totally flattered and now just super effing giddy), Why, no, uh, why do you ask?
GJ: Well, you just look like one of those guys. (Josh stares at me with a full eyeball to eyeball stare at this point that basically says, If you were gay like me, we would be doing homosexual things over in the tupperware aisle right by the greeting cards).
PT: Oh, no. I don't do anything that dangerous.
GJ, (now fully turgid): Well, what DO YOU DO??
PT: I'm in sales.
GJ: Oh, that can be dangerous too (he is now smiling).
PT: I guess. Thanks, have a good day.
GJ: You too!

I have many more incidences like the one above, including one a few years back at a Starbucks in Anaheim. I went up to pay for my coffee and when the barista told me the amount, a guy in back of me said, "It's ok, I want to buy his drink." I looked around and there was the Gayest Man in Southern California ready to buy my latte. I said no, but thanks, and scooted away.

I could go on but my point is this: at my age, I love the attention, from gay or straight. If someone out there thinks I am hot shit, bring it on. I don't have to act on it but I'm not going to be embarassed about it either. So thanks, Gay Josh, and Gay SoCal dude: I love The Gays and they love me!

David Carradine dies; Anvil rules; Eagles of Death Metal metal out!

R.I.P. David Carradine

I used to watch the old series Kung Fu when I was a wee Shaolin priest in Orem. Watching David Carradine as the hero/protagonist made you feel something cool, something different. He had a presence and even if the story in the Kung Fu episodes were repetitive, they were compelling because he was so intense and into that character. Apparently he had some issues and either committed suicide in a hotel room in Thailand naked OR he was a victim of an all too common death dealer, auto erotic asphyxiation. This is when you choke yourself until you die while you are...um...you know...doing that thing to yourself (or it can be with a partner which is usually the safer method since you have someone to rescue you in case you go too far). Many people die from this accident every year and once in a while, so does a famous person. But it sucks that it was D. Carradine because even though he abused many drugs in his younger years, he had been clean for about 25 years and was in a great phase of his career. He made the largest impact a few years back as Bill in the Kill Bill movies and even if that's all you see him in, he is dynamite in that role.

Another cool one bites the dust.

ANVIL

I saw a great movie on Tuesday night with Joey Watts called "Anvil: The Story of Anvil". It is the story of a heavy metal band from Canada that was famous for about...35 minutes. They have been trying to make it in the big time ever since. Their big time moment of fame came at a Japanese heavy metal fest in 1984 where they opened for Scorpions and Bon Jovi. Almost immediately after that gig they disappeared. They did not stop making music or touring. They just never made an album that went anywhere. In fact, they have made 13 albums and have been on the road almost non stop for about 25 years. These guys are the epitome of dedication. The sacrifice for any kind of more lucrative career has been cast aside for the Herculean quest of trying to break into the music biz.

This movie was awesome because of the players in Anvil, specifically Lips the lead singer and Robo the drummer. They are best buds and made a pact way back when they were 14 to keep rockin' and making metal music no matter the cost. Family, friends and very famous musicians (Slash, Lars from Metallica) watched from the sidelines as these guys tried and tried and tried to make it and never got a break. During the movie they undergo a six week tour of Europe and when they play Prague, the club owner attempts to pay them in goulash. At one stop they play for one heavy metal fan who plays air drums in a beat up recliner in the middle of the floor. And these guys can play! The songs are ok but the desperation of it all and the supreme will of these guys to just KEEP GOING is inspiring. The final bit of the movie has them back in Japan playing the 11:35 am slot, just one of about eight bands that will play that day. The last 10 minutes of this show are incredible. I won't spoil it, rent it when it comes to the Red Box or Blockbuster.

Eagles of Death Metal

These guys rule. They are in the Playlist and you will enjoy their sounds. Listen and...beware!