Monday, June 8, 2009

Phil and The Gays

I am a magnet for gay men. Seriously. I don't know what it is, my cool beard, my somewhat thin but still youthful spiky hair or my incredibly taut buttocks, but the Gays love me. How do I know this? A story from that endless supply of blog material, the Wal-Mart:

Sunday morning I went on my usual grocery run and moved through the aisles quickly. Not a lot of folks on Sunday which is the best time to hit the WM. I chose my check out line carefully because I had a record time going and didn't want to jack it up with some dough head of a check out person. This is harder than it looks because the people checking you out at WM are deceiving--the ones that look fast suck and the ones that look super slow and lame are very fast. The lane I chose had a guy who looked really lame and I figured I was going to zip through.

No such luck. The guy, his name is Josh the Gay Cashier at Wal Mart, was awful. He didn't know any of the codes for the veggies or fruit, he didn't move quickly and he kept staring at the keyboard of his check out lane, looking for some kind of inspiration or something. He had hair that was a combo of Roy Orbison and Adam Lambert and a really bad fake tan. Plus he looked at least 50 with this ridiculous hair do. But, being the nice guy that I am, I was friendly and patient. As I moved my cart into position to put my bags in, he looked up at me and began checking out my package. Um, my groceries, I mean.

This was the exchange:

Gay Josh: Hi, how are you?
PT: Good, yourself?
GJ: Great. Is it still raining outside?
PT: Yes.
GJ: Oh good, I hate it when it's all sunny out and I'm stuck in here. (Now, you have to imagine him saying this like Fred Schneider of the B-52's, with a super effeminate accent and with his voice escalating on the "stuck". By the way, I'm a fan of the B-52's which may explain my gay magnetism. But, I digress.)
PT: Yeah, that's a bummer. At least it's not too busy.
GJ: OH MY GOD!!! I know!!! I'm so happy about that because people come to Wal Mart with their babies and just let them SCREAM!! It drives me nuts! So, it's nice to have some quiet!
PT: Yep.
(Now we have a period of silence where I put my bags in the cart while Josh is still checking out the remainder of my groceries. He is fumbling with my balls, um, I mean bags, and he is super nervous. I do look hot: I have on my sexiest jeans with flip flops, a white long sleeve T-shirt with the sleeves pulled up to reveal my rippling forearms and a baseball cap. Plus my beard is a little overgrown so it looks extra manly).
GJ: OK, is that everything?
PT: Yep, I think so. (I begin using the electronic pad to finish the purchase)
GJ: Um, can I ask you something?
PT: Sure.
PT: (flabergasted and totally flattered and now just super effing giddy), Why, no, uh, why do you ask?
GJ: Well, you just look like one of those guys. (Josh stares at me with a full eyeball to eyeball stare at this point that basically says, If you were gay like me, we would be doing homosexual things over in the tupperware aisle right by the greeting cards).
PT: Oh, no. I don't do anything that dangerous.
GJ, (now fully turgid): Well, what DO YOU DO??
PT: I'm in sales.
GJ: Oh, that can be dangerous too (he is now smiling).
PT: I guess. Thanks, have a good day.
GJ: You too!

I have many more incidences like the one above, including one a few years back at a Starbucks in Anaheim. I went up to pay for my coffee and when the barista told me the amount, a guy in back of me said, "It's ok, I want to buy his drink." I looked around and there was the Gayest Man in Southern California ready to buy my latte. I said no, but thanks, and scooted away.

I could go on but my point is this: at my age, I love the attention, from gay or straight. If someone out there thinks I am hot shit, bring it on. I don't have to act on it but I'm not going to be embarassed about it either. So thanks, Gay Josh, and Gay SoCal dude: I love The Gays and they love me!


  1. Castanza,
    I'm glad to see you're finally coming out...... not that there is anything wrong with that!

  2. philip, philip, philip..stay away from WM..just stay close to the library, as only the homeless frequent the library as much as you do.
    But, you do have a grip on life's nice, be nice, and be nice. The next person you are nice to, may be a record producer, and give you the job you have always dreamed of.
    (On the othe hand, life in The Village is pretty dull right now..maybe I should to to WM.)

  3. I love the gays...I've often wished I had a gay friend like on My Best Friends Wedding. The gays don't flock to me, I tend to attract middle aged Asian men.

  4. All of this could have been avoided if you had given him the Crested Butte treatment. No cashier recovers from that....Ever

  5. Oh, Philip..the gays are just reinforcing what I have thought all were way too cute when you were a little boy and that has followed you right on to adulthood...and I think I may have seen you lurking somewhere in 62 Truck on Rescue Me...(or maybe that was hot Franco!)

  6. Gay Josh just heard about your Ton Tons, and was like "Hot Damn!"... can't blame the man. It does scare me a little that my Uncle slips into his tight jeans and muscle shirt to go "strolling"... I mean shopping around WM Sunday afternoons. Just be careful when testing the fruit for ripeness, some might take it the wrong way.

    RT aka Little Ricky out.

  7. That post started a giggle fit in one Seattle reader. Who's still laughing....

  8. Oil Can wants your phone number....