Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Kayden is annoying. At first, I may have told this story, of Kayden going home sick after a sleep over. Kayden doesn't like me being friends with his brother Landon. Now, yesterday, he came up in my face, being annoying and in my face. And then he said, why is your scalp green? And I said, because of St. Patrick's Day. What I should have come back with was, quit looking at my hair you freak, you're not my girlfriend. But instead I got all pissed off and went inside and was furious, I've never been so mad in my life. I kicked a dang wall and it felt like I broke my foot, at first. But then I saw it was just a bruise. Now today, Kayden came up to me and tried to talk to me and I just walked away. Now I hope he realizes what he's done so he will shut up and stop it.
Jil's Professional, Exceptional, Transistional Beauty Tip of the Week
Get plenty of sleep. Like, lots of it. As much as possible.
Monday, March 23, 2009
But I digress.
I started saying hello to her and she said hello to me and we quickly fell into that smooth rut of all office relationships: the "hi, how are you (smile, act pleasant)? You're nice but I don't want to spend any of my valuable time talking to you because what could we possibly talk about?" This is the type of relationship that keeps all offices well oiled. Lots of superficial, polite banter that doesn't jack up your day.
So, one weekend about a month ago, I am at Wal-Mart and I run into Kristin. I have my grocery cart half full and she has a carry basket, kind of half full. She acts very surprised, like, holy dogshit, what are YOU doing here? Which is weird because it's a store, I need food for my family, we're in a recession, where else are you gonna shop? We talk for a few moments and the one honest, true sentiment that both of us reveal is...we both like to shop at Wal-Mart on Sunday mornings because it's not very busy. This one kernal of no bullshit, straight up, human-to-human truthful behavior is now the absolute building block for my budding relationship with Kristin. Because now, whenever I see her, what do you think she asks? Anyone?
"DID YOU GO TO WAL-MART ON SUNDAY? HOW WAS IT? WAS IT BUSY?"
Oh my gawd, our level of communication just went from nice and polite to completely effing awkward. What way can one respond to this other than, "Uh, yeah, I did go and it was ok." Or maybe a slight variation on this, like, "Um, no, didn't make it, I will have to go on Monday." And then after this, after we have BROKEN THE RULE OF THE OFFICE RELATIONSHIP BY BEING HONEST, we have nowhere else to go. We just look at each other, smile, glance away, shuffle our feet, and then try to move on to our desks with a minimum of effort and activity, so as not exacerbate the whole bizarre encounter by gesticulating or adding any other conversational nuggets. It is so brutal. And she is SO nice. What now? Where do Kristin and I go from here?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
More Stuff on Cats! Gabe explains BMX! The train wreck that is Paula Abdul! Jil makes You Beautiful!
Sassy soaked to the skin
Say hello to my little friends!
Whitey needing Costanza's blog very badly
Mookie, the Mardi Gras mascot
Voo's perfect cat companion
And finally, a quick dispatch from the front lines of American Idol: this just in, Paula Abdul is the Train Wreck of the Year (so far).
Is it the fake tan, the weird, alien-like smile or just the absolute bizarre behavior? Jil and I think she is a Xanax/upper catastrophe. Only someone on good drugs can stutter, stammer, stand up, sit down and slap Cowell on the arm all at the same time. She makes epileptics look mellow. We all know she is the "Champion of Everyone" and wants all the contestants to be winners. And to be fair, Simon should shut up and let her speak. But I totally get where he's coming from. She needs to...Speak! She just stalls, smiles, looks down, look sideways and then closes her mouth and talks out of the corner of it. My favorite Paula moment is when the music overtakes her and she has to stand up and dance. Actually, I love this part. At least she's feeling it. Because with that many drugs flowing through your veins, it's hard to feel anything.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Another feauture on Facebook is that you can post comments on someone's Wall and can also send them messages. The comments on your Wall can be viewed by everyone and the messages are private. However, some people forget this and write things on other people's walls that are so personal and revealing that you sort of cringe when you read them. I read a Wall of another friend which described the birth of her son with all the details. I was eating but had to stop. I know birthing babies is sacred and all but keep it to yourself.
The other weird, weird thing on Facebook is the bubble that pops up when you go to your Home page that asks you, "What are you doing right now?" If you type in some stupid crap, like, I'm taking a crap, it immediately pops up and tells all of your "friends" that you are, indeed, getting personal with your home throne. Who wants to know that? Between the Super Poke and the invasive needling of the "What are you doing now?" bubble, I feel Super Violated.
Finally, Facebook keeps track of all your Friends and gives you a total. I have, as of today, about 128 Friends. These friends range from people I am very close to (Jil, Joey Watts, my therapist) to people I haven't thought about once in 20 years but went to high school with and now they are asking me how I am, what I'm doing, what I've been doing and who I've been doing. Like they care. Like I care that they need to know these things. Is my life enhanced? Is it fundamentally better? I reached out through the Facebook "Friend Finder" tool and located a close friend from college. I sent her a message, she replied back, I replied and then she...has not sent me anything for a week. What do I do now? How long should we "stay in touch?" Do I send her another message or wait for her to respond? Are we back to close friends or is this just a passing fancy that we will tire of? I told Jil about her because disclosing all friends on Facebook is pretty vital to keeping trust in your marriage. You can't go around Super Poking every one of your friends and expect your spouse to be down with it.
Verdict: Facebook is a Super Waste of Time and clutters up your brain with nonesense about people you couldn't give a fig about. Oh wait! I just got a message that someone wants me to join their Facebook cause....it is, "Save Water...Drink Wine!" YAY! Now that is a Facebook feature I can get behind!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Beauty Tip from Jil: MALES ONLY; Gabe's Rant; Phil's Spin Class sucks; Blown Speaker Update; Stuff on Cats
GABE'S RANT OF THE WEEK: Friend drama
COSTANZA'S SPIN CLASS IS BREAKING HIS SPIRIT
First of all, winter blows. It forces you to make choices that you wouldn't make if the sun was out. One of these decisions involves going to the gym and participating in an hour long spin class. My Thursday night spin class at 7pm with Robert sucks. Big time. Here's why:
- He has no enthusiasm. If you are a wannabe spin class instructor (like Bionic Wolf), the first quality you have to have is some energy or at least pretend to be happy to be there. Robert sucks big time because you can tell he would rather be parking his hairy, fat ass on the sofa for another round of American Idol. Or that could be me. Anyway, he brings nada to the excitement table.
- He is not in shape. His front porch is bigger than mine even. It hangs over his tight black shorts and sits there, wandering around on the tops of his legs each time he pedals up and down. It moves around like jello. His effort when spinning is so weak that it does not get anyone interested in wanting to push themselves. He has confessed to everyone in the class that he only works out once a week--at spin class. Yay.
- His voice. It's weak and feeble and when he speaks into the microphone, it sounds like he doesn't really want you to push yourself up some invisible, daunting mountain that you can envision with your eyes closed. His voice really conveys this sentiment: if you want to go ahead and nap while my large gut and I wheeze away up here in front of you, go ahead.
- Finally, HIS MUSIC SUCKS. BIG TIME. Who wants to spin to the Bond Girls? They play violins with an electronic beat behind them. Awful. He plays their whole stinking album. Brutal. He finishes up each class with Enya. Oh goody. Let's get all stretchy to the lamest new age artist to ever fog a mirror.
Robert, I pray for sun so I don't have to suffer through your horrendous class any more. Go see my wife now and get your back waxed.
BLOWN SPEAKER UPDATE:
This cat is easy...like Sunday morning, baby.
This guy showing what we all know: cats = demon seed
Dude, pinned in 3 seconds. No contest.
Smokey reading Costanza's blog.
Shadow listening to The Eagles, in complete shock at how bad they are.
Would you like to meet my little friend? Hmmm?
I hate Mike and Ike. Where are the Junior Mints?
And, Merry Christmas to all...from Psycho Kitty
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
5th Grade "Rant of the Week"; Jil's Beauty Tip of the Week; Costanza's Existential Dilemma of the Week; Our Favorite Idol Contestant So Far.
I think it was during the 10th or 11th listening of Metallica's "Death Magnetic", which is recorded at a really high volume. I noticed a certain unsettling buzz in the forward right speaker in the door of my Xterra. Not all the time at first but just during certain bass lines and various drum beats. The insidious buzz was sorta low and not easy to notice until I played a song called "This World" from a trip hop band called Zero 7. It has a heavy bass presence and the speaker was not having any of this. In fact, as I was driving, and as this shaky spectre reared it's ugly coaxial head, I felt my upper lip twitch and my left eye started darting back and forth almost uncontrollably. Like I was trying to get away from someone who was shooting audio bullets at my right ear. The effect of this problem cannot be overstated and here's why:
When something as important as your music is jacked with, when you rely on this medium to get you to and from work, the store, the skatepark, the gym and other destinations, and all of sudden, you have to deal with a severe imbalance in your musical universe, life is skewed. It's off kilter. It's on it's head. It's effed up. Suddenly, I have no groove. My life has no beat, no musical mojo and no rhythm. The buzz has taken root in my head and I can't shut it off. Even when I play symphonic pieces from one of my favorite playlists, Shellie's 40th Birthday for Phil, it buzzes. It hisses. It pops and makes the doors rattle. I turn it down, and it becomes a low thrum. I turn it medium and it cuts like a vibrating weed whacker. I turn it up and the window appears to be melting while the hair in my nose (though not much hair--thanks Jil) begins to curl.
This is a bad situation. Made worse by the fact that my budget does not currently allow for new front speakers. It's an existential dilemma of epidemic proportions: do I eat or get a new speaker? To be continued...
Our Favorite Idol Contestant of the Week: Lil Rounds