Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The 5th Grade Rant! Jil's Beauty Tip!

Kayden: A Jerk Face Monkey

Kayden is annoying. At first, I may have told this story, of Kayden going home sick after a sleep over. Kayden doesn't like me being friends with his brother Landon. Now, yesterday, he came up in my face, being annoying and in my face. And then he said, why is your scalp green? And I said, because of St. Patrick's Day. What I should have come back with was, quit looking at my hair you freak, you're not my girlfriend. But instead I got all pissed off and went inside and was furious, I've never been so mad in my life. I kicked a dang wall and it felt like I broke my foot, at first. But then I saw it was just a bruise. Now today, Kayden came up to me and tried to talk to me and I just walked away. Now I hope he realizes what he's done so he will shut up and stop it.

Jil's Professional, Exceptional, Transistional Beauty Tip of the Week

Get plenty of sleep. Like, lots of it. As much as possible.

Monday, March 23, 2009

My friend at work and our weird Wal-Mart connection

I work in an office that looks very similar to The Office, only slightly bigger. We have a break room with fridges, microwaves, tables, chairs, etc. Around my fourth month of working at my office, I notice that every morning around 8am, a smallish, 40 something Asian woman is standing right in front of the coffee pot. She is either making coffee or getting coffee or cleaning up coffee spills. Her coffee cup is a Christmas coffee cup, green with red stripes. This cup does not change even though the holiday comes and goes. I find out her name is Kristin and she is an accountant in our office. She is really nice and she makes great lunches, like today when she made a homemade meatball sandwich in the breakroom and it smelled like any one of the restaurants in The Sopranos, because if you watch that show, you get hungry and imagine the wonderful smells coming from all the restaurants Tony and his crew visit. Also, she does make a decent cup of coffee so her cooking skills are unquestioned.

But I digress.

I started saying hello to her and she said hello to me and we quickly fell into that smooth rut of all office relationships: the "hi, how are you (smile, act pleasant)? You're nice but I don't want to spend any of my valuable time talking to you because what could we possibly talk about?" This is the type of relationship that keeps all offices well oiled. Lots of superficial, polite banter that doesn't jack up your day.

So, one weekend about a month ago, I am at Wal-Mart and I run into Kristin. I have my grocery cart half full and she has a carry basket, kind of half full. She acts very surprised, like, holy dogshit, what are YOU doing here? Which is weird because it's a store, I need food for my family, we're in a recession, where else are you gonna shop? We talk for a few moments and the one honest, true sentiment that both of us reveal is...we both like to shop at Wal-Mart on Sunday mornings because it's not very busy. This one kernal of no bullshit, straight up, human-to-human truthful behavior is now the absolute building block for my budding relationship with Kristin. Because now, whenever I see her, what do you think she asks? Anyone?


Oh my gawd, our level of communication just went from nice and polite to completely effing awkward. What way can one respond to this other than, "Uh, yeah, I did go and it was ok." Or maybe a slight variation on this, like, "Um, no, didn't make it, I will have to go on Monday." And then after this, after we have BROKEN THE RULE OF THE OFFICE RELATIONSHIP BY BEING HONEST, we have nowhere else to go. We just look at each other, smile, glance away, shuffle our feet, and then try to move on to our desks with a minimum of effort and activity, so as not exacerbate the whole bizarre encounter by gesticulating or adding any other conversational nuggets. It is so brutal. And she is SO nice. What now? Where do Kristin and I go from here?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

More Stuff on Cats! Gabe explains BMX! The train wreck that is Paula Abdul! Jil makes You Beautiful!

Dakota Roche, table top

Gabe's Favorite BMX Rider

My favorite BMX rider Dakota Roche. He is from South Carolina, I think (Editors note: Dakota is actually from Huntington Beach, CA). I have a movie called Insight and one of the people in this movie, it's a BMX movie, is Dakota Roche. I like him because he is more of a mellow guy and not so crazy and he's a gutsy guy and has a lot of tricks in his book. He was basically the star of this movie because he is really, really, really good. The coolest trick I've seen him do is a table top.

Jil's Beauty Tip: Keep your teeth white!

You should see a professional (like me) every 3 months for a professional teeth whitening. Use Listerine Whitening Pre Rinse prior to brushing your teeth or after you have had coffee, dark soda, smokes or red wine. It will keep your teeth from being stained. Also, drink your coffee and dark sodas and red wine out of a straw (Editors note: stained teeth are a small price to pay for not using a straw while drinking scalding hot coffee, Jack and Coke and lovely red wine).


Sassy soaked to the skin

Say hello to my little friends!

Whitey needing Costanza's blog very badly

Mookie, the Mardi Gras mascot

I would address you humans, but, you zee, I a French kitty and I must look upon you with disdain and contempt. Plus, I am smoking an unfiltered cigarette which is very difficult to do with my wee kitty lungs.

Voo's perfect cat companion

That's where all the remotes went...

And finally, a quick dispatch from the front lines of American Idol: this just in, Paula Abdul is the Train Wreck of the Year (so far).

Is it the fake tan, the weird, alien-like smile or just the absolute bizarre behavior? Jil and I think she is a Xanax/upper catastrophe. Only someone on good drugs can stutter, stammer, stand up, sit down and slap Cowell on the arm all at the same time. She makes epileptics look mellow. We all know she is the "Champion of Everyone" and wants all the contestants to be winners. And to be fair, Simon should shut up and let her speak. But I totally get where he's coming from. She needs to...Speak! She just stalls, smiles, looks down, look sideways and then closes her mouth and talks out of the corner of it. My favorite Paula moment is when the music overtakes her and she has to stand up and dance. Actually, I love this part. At least she's feeling it. Because with that many drugs flowing through your veins, it's hard to feel anything.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Absurdity of Facebook: Hey, I'm Popular!!

About six months ago I joined Facebook. Facebook is a social networking site that allows you to stay connected to people through the Facebook website. You can send messages to people, view their profile, post photos and send out stupid little gifts like a Cozy Coffee or Drink for a Friend. You can even "poke" someone, which just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I sent a poke to a friend of mine, Eric, and he poked me back. Seriously, I don't know what level our relationship is on now. Are we "poke" buddies? Am I now gay? When I see him next do we hug each other with a full, two armed hug? Do we shake hands and put our other arm arond each other, like the "Bro Hug"? Do we talk about how we "poked" each other? To make it even worse, you can "SuperPoke" somebody. What in the name of everything that is true and good is a Super Poke??? I don't think I've ever given a Super Poke or been Super Poked in my life. I can guarantee you this: if I have ever been the recepient of a Super Poke, I would surely have known about it or at least felt it. To make matters even more bizarre, this hasn't really improved my relationship with Eric. We don't talk any more frequently. I don't know any weird, crazy shit about him that I didn't know before. Well, other than he is always up for a "poke".

Another feauture on Facebook is that you can post comments on someone's Wall and can also send them messages. The comments on your Wall can be viewed by everyone and the messages are private. However, some people forget this and write things on other people's walls that are so personal and revealing that you sort of cringe when you read them. I read a Wall of another friend which described the birth of her son with all the details. I was eating but had to stop. I know birthing babies is sacred and all but keep it to yourself.

The other weird, weird thing on Facebook is the bubble that pops up when you go to your Home page that asks you, "What are you doing right now?" If you type in some stupid crap, like, I'm taking a crap, it immediately pops up and tells all of your "friends" that you are, indeed, getting personal with your home throne. Who wants to know that? Between the Super Poke and the invasive needling of the "What are you doing now?" bubble, I feel Super Violated.

Finally, Facebook keeps track of all your Friends and gives you a total. I have, as of today, about 128 Friends. These friends range from people I am very close to (Jil, Joey Watts, my therapist) to people I haven't thought about once in 20 years but went to high school with and now they are asking me how I am, what I'm doing, what I've been doing and who I've been doing. Like they care. Like I care that they need to know these things. Is my life enhanced? Is it fundamentally better? I reached out through the Facebook "Friend Finder" tool and located a close friend from college. I sent her a message, she replied back, I replied and then she...has not sent me anything for a week. What do I do now? How long should we "stay in touch?" Do I send her another message or wait for her to respond? Are we back to close friends or is this just a passing fancy that we will tire of? I told Jil about her because disclosing all friends on Facebook is pretty vital to keeping trust in your marriage. You can't go around Super Poking every one of your friends and expect your spouse to be down with it.

Verdict: Facebook is a Super Waste of Time and clutters up your brain with nonesense about people you couldn't give a fig about. Oh wait! I just got a message that someone wants me to join their Facebook is, "Save Water...Drink Wine!" YAY! Now that is a Facebook feature I can get behind!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Beauty Tip from Jil: MALES ONLY; Gabe's Rant; Phil's Spin Class sucks; Blown Speaker Update; Stuff on Cats

JIL'S BEAUTY TIP OF THE WEEK: Nose Hair Maintenance for Men
First of all, make sure you use a professional for all your nose hair needs. You should have your nose hair waxed every 4-6 weeks, depending on how fast your nose hair grows. It is an easy and quick service that has little to no pain involved, unlike plucking hair from your nose. What I do is use a hard wax that is placed inside the nose, while warm, with a stick. Once the wax dries, after about one minute, then the stick is pulled out with the wax and the hair. In between visits, if you need to trim, use sterile, small scissors. By the way, your lady friend/wife/mistress/spouse does not like looking up into your nose full of hair. Get my drift?


Kayden is drama because I'm inviting his brother Landon to LA for a trip and Kayden knows this. He doesn't BMX or skateboard but his brother does both. He would be totally bored if he went. So, he comes up to me and I've done so many nice things for him and he treats me like crap and blames everything on me. Today he came up to me and, well, first, Victoria, his friend, came up to me and said, "Kayden wants to talk to you." I said, "I'm in the middle of a basketball game." And then I went over there after recess and talked to him and he said he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore and never come over to his house again. I didn't really say anything because that's not fair to me, at all. He's causing WAY too much drama and I think he's jealous of his brother coming with me. I'm kind of sick of him. My dad is going to have to go over there sometime to talk to their Mom and set up the trip and I don't want to have him come bursting out of the room and have a fit and then have his Mom tell Landon he can't go on the trip and ruin the whole thing for me.


First of all, winter blows. It forces you to make choices that you wouldn't make if the sun was out. One of these decisions involves going to the gym and participating in an hour long spin class. My Thursday night spin class at 7pm with Robert sucks. Big time. Here's why:
  • He has no enthusiasm. If you are a wannabe spin class instructor (like Bionic Wolf), the first quality you have to have is some energy or at least pretend to be happy to be there. Robert sucks big time because you can tell he would rather be parking his hairy, fat ass on the sofa for another round of American Idol. Or that could be me. Anyway, he brings nada to the excitement table.
  • He is not in shape. His front porch is bigger than mine even. It hangs over his tight black shorts and sits there, wandering around on the tops of his legs each time he pedals up and down. It moves around like jello. His effort when spinning is so weak that it does not get anyone interested in wanting to push themselves. He has confessed to everyone in the class that he only works out once a week--at spin class. Yay.
  • His voice. It's weak and feeble and when he speaks into the microphone, it sounds like he doesn't really want you to push yourself up some invisible, daunting mountain that you can envision with your eyes closed. His voice really conveys this sentiment: if you want to go ahead and nap while my large gut and I wheeze away up here in front of you, go ahead.
  • Finally, HIS MUSIC SUCKS. BIG TIME. Who wants to spin to the Bond Girls? They play violins with an electronic beat behind them. Awful. He plays their whole stinking album. Brutal. He finishes up each class with Enya. Oh goody. Let's get all stretchy to the lamest new age artist to ever fog a mirror.

Robert, I pray for sun so I don't have to suffer through your horrendous class any more. Go see my wife now and get your back waxed.


Still blown. Misery.
STUFF ON CATS: Alright, people check it out. The perfect use for a dormant cat is...putting random stuff on it!

This cat is Sunday morning, baby.

This guy showing what we all know: cats = demon seed

Dude, pinned in 3 seconds. No contest.

Smokey reading Costanza's blog.

Shadow listening to The Eagles, in complete shock at how bad they are.

Would you like to meet my little friend? Hmmm?

I hate Mike and Ike. Where are the Junior Mints?

And, Merry Christmas to all...from Psycho Kitty

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

5th Grade "Rant of the Week"; Jil's Beauty Tip of the Week; Costanza's Existential Dilemma of the Week; Our Favorite Idol Contestant So Far.

5th Grade Rant of the Week by Gabe Goorman (as told to Phil by Gabe)

Well, there is a Reader every day and it is a mom. And they switch off some weeks. Every Wednesday for the past two months now, a kid named Hayden's mom has been coming really late or not coming at all. Then, they said she can't do it so another mom is going to do it. A girl named Maya said her dad could do it and they also had contact with the other lady who reads on Wednesday. And they never have talked to each other and now it's that week and we STILL don't have a Reader for this week. So, we had to read Dies Drear, which is about a house where a family lives that used to have a farmer, Dies Drear, and he used to have slaves. So, it mad me really angry and it's starting to make other people really annoyed. And we are really sick of not having a Reader on Wednesday.
Today I was at Jackson's house and he has to do his chores daily which is really weird. And, he went outside to dust the dirt off of his rug and then he tried to hit me with it. He succeeded. And then somehow he started to fight me. He came and jumped at me and tried to punch me and I threw him on the ground. By the way, this is all on cement and I didn't throw him down very hard or hurt him. He was on his knees and found something in a crack and threw it at me and I ducked. Then he ran at me and started to punch me again. Then I took him and you know how you have each other's arms out and you are keeping the other person away? Then he kicked me but I took his leg and hucked it and made him spin around. He basically was flipped up in the air, spinning around and then he landed on his butt.

He was coming at me and if someone is going to try to kick me, I'm not going to take it. I'm going to defend myself. Who wants to get kicked? And then he jumped off his steps and tried to jump on me. He yanked my hair. Then I threw him on the ground and yanked his hair. Then I walked in his house, got my backpack and went home. As I was walking up the hill, Jackson came out and yelled, "WAAAA, WAAAA" and rubbed his eyes. I just ignored him.

Jil's Beauty Tip of the Week: Spectacular Eyebrows

Keep your brows neatly maintained by having them professionally waxed every 4-6 weeks. This is important because it's similar to shaving. It makes eye makeup go on better and frames the eyes. Actually, it enhances your overall appearance. You look neat, put together, just like having your hair done.

Costanza's Existential Dilemma of the Week: the right speaker in my car stereo is blown out and it is making me doubt everything that's good about my life.

I think it was during the 10th or 11th listening of Metallica's "Death Magnetic", which is recorded at a really high volume. I noticed a certain unsettling buzz in the forward right speaker in the door of my Xterra. Not all the time at first but just during certain bass lines and various drum beats. The insidious buzz was sorta low and not easy to notice until I played a song called "This World" from a trip hop band called Zero 7. It has a heavy bass presence and the speaker was not having any of this. In fact, as I was driving, and as this shaky spectre reared it's ugly coaxial head, I felt my upper lip twitch and my left eye started darting back and forth almost uncontrollably. Like I was trying to get away from someone who was shooting audio bullets at my right ear. The effect of this problem cannot be overstated and here's why:

When something as important as your music is jacked with, when you rely on this medium to get you to and from work, the store, the skatepark, the gym and other destinations, and all of sudden, you have to deal with a severe imbalance in your musical universe, life is skewed. It's off kilter. It's on it's head. It's effed up. Suddenly, I have no groove. My life has no beat, no musical mojo and no rhythm. The buzz has taken root in my head and I can't shut it off. Even when I play symphonic pieces from one of my favorite playlists, Shellie's 40th Birthday for Phil, it buzzes. It hisses. It pops and makes the doors rattle. I turn it down, and it becomes a low thrum. I turn it medium and it cuts like a vibrating weed whacker. I turn it up and the window appears to be melting while the hair in my nose (though not much hair--thanks Jil) begins to curl.

This is a bad situation. Made worse by the fact that my budget does not currently allow for new front speakers. It's an existential dilemma of epidemic proportions: do I eat or get a new speaker? To be continued...

Our Favorite Idol Contestant of the Week: Lil Rounds

We love her and think she will destroy everyone on this season's show.