About six months ago I joined Facebook. Facebook is a social networking site that allows you to stay connected to people through the Facebook website. You can send messages to people, view their profile, post photos and send out stupid little gifts like a Cozy Coffee or Drink for a Friend. You can even "poke" someone, which just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I sent a poke to a friend of mine, Eric, and he poked me back. Seriously, I don't know what level our relationship is on now. Are we "poke" buddies? Am I now gay? When I see him next do we hug each other with a full, two armed hug? Do we shake hands and put our other arm arond each other, like the "Bro Hug"? Do we talk about how we "poked" each other? To make it even worse, you can "SuperPoke" somebody. What in the name of everything that is true and good is a Super Poke??? I don't think I've ever given a Super Poke or been Super Poked in my life. I can guarantee you this: if I have ever been the recepient of a Super Poke, I would surely have known about it or at least felt it. To make matters even more bizarre, this hasn't really improved my relationship with Eric. We don't talk any more frequently. I don't know any weird, crazy shit about him that I didn't know before. Well, other than he is always up for a "poke".
Another feauture on Facebook is that you can post comments on someone's Wall and can also send them messages. The comments on your Wall can be viewed by everyone and the messages are private. However, some people forget this and write things on other people's walls that are so personal and revealing that you sort of cringe when you read them. I read a Wall of another friend which described the birth of her son with all the details. I was eating but had to stop. I know birthing babies is sacred and all but keep it to yourself.
The other weird, weird thing on Facebook is the bubble that pops up when you go to your Home page that asks you, "What are you doing right now?" If you type in some stupid crap, like, I'm taking a crap, it immediately pops up and tells all of your "friends" that you are, indeed, getting personal with your home throne. Who wants to know that? Between the Super Poke and the invasive needling of the "What are you doing now?" bubble, I feel Super Violated.
Finally, Facebook keeps track of all your Friends and gives you a total. I have, as of today, about 128 Friends. These friends range from people I am very close to (Jil, Joey Watts, my therapist) to people I haven't thought about once in 20 years but went to high school with and now they are asking me how I am, what I'm doing, what I've been doing and who I've been doing. Like they care. Like I care that they need to know these things. Is my life enhanced? Is it fundamentally better? I reached out through the Facebook "Friend Finder" tool and located a close friend from college. I sent her a message, she replied back, I replied and then she...has not sent me anything for a week. What do I do now? How long should we "stay in touch?" Do I send her another message or wait for her to respond? Are we back to close friends or is this just a passing fancy that we will tire of? I told Jil about her because disclosing all friends on Facebook is pretty vital to keeping trust in your marriage. You can't go around Super Poking every one of your friends and expect your spouse to be down with it.
Verdict: Facebook is a Super Waste of Time and clutters up your brain with nonesense about people you couldn't give a fig about. Oh wait! I just got a message that someone wants me to join their Facebook cause....it is, "Save Water...Drink Wine!" YAY! Now that is a Facebook feature I can get behind!
Hank is 12!
2 years ago