Wednesday, March 4, 2009

5th Grade "Rant of the Week"; Jil's Beauty Tip of the Week; Costanza's Existential Dilemma of the Week; Our Favorite Idol Contestant So Far.

5th Grade Rant of the Week by Gabe Goorman (as told to Phil by Gabe)

Well, there is a Reader every day and it is a mom. And they switch off some weeks. Every Wednesday for the past two months now, a kid named Hayden's mom has been coming really late or not coming at all. Then, they said she can't do it so another mom is going to do it. A girl named Maya said her dad could do it and they also had contact with the other lady who reads on Wednesday. And they never have talked to each other and now it's that week and we STILL don't have a Reader for this week. So, we had to read Dies Drear, which is about a house where a family lives that used to have a farmer, Dies Drear, and he used to have slaves. So, it mad me really angry and it's starting to make other people really annoyed. And we are really sick of not having a Reader on Wednesday.
Today I was at Jackson's house and he has to do his chores daily which is really weird. And, he went outside to dust the dirt off of his rug and then he tried to hit me with it. He succeeded. And then somehow he started to fight me. He came and jumped at me and tried to punch me and I threw him on the ground. By the way, this is all on cement and I didn't throw him down very hard or hurt him. He was on his knees and found something in a crack and threw it at me and I ducked. Then he ran at me and started to punch me again. Then I took him and you know how you have each other's arms out and you are keeping the other person away? Then he kicked me but I took his leg and hucked it and made him spin around. He basically was flipped up in the air, spinning around and then he landed on his butt.

He was coming at me and if someone is going to try to kick me, I'm not going to take it. I'm going to defend myself. Who wants to get kicked? And then he jumped off his steps and tried to jump on me. He yanked my hair. Then I threw him on the ground and yanked his hair. Then I walked in his house, got my backpack and went home. As I was walking up the hill, Jackson came out and yelled, "WAAAA, WAAAA" and rubbed his eyes. I just ignored him.

Jil's Beauty Tip of the Week: Spectacular Eyebrows

Keep your brows neatly maintained by having them professionally waxed every 4-6 weeks. This is important because it's similar to shaving. It makes eye makeup go on better and frames the eyes. Actually, it enhances your overall appearance. You look neat, put together, just like having your hair done.

Costanza's Existential Dilemma of the Week: the right speaker in my car stereo is blown out and it is making me doubt everything that's good about my life.

I think it was during the 10th or 11th listening of Metallica's "Death Magnetic", which is recorded at a really high volume. I noticed a certain unsettling buzz in the forward right speaker in the door of my Xterra. Not all the time at first but just during certain bass lines and various drum beats. The insidious buzz was sorta low and not easy to notice until I played a song called "This World" from a trip hop band called Zero 7. It has a heavy bass presence and the speaker was not having any of this. In fact, as I was driving, and as this shaky spectre reared it's ugly coaxial head, I felt my upper lip twitch and my left eye started darting back and forth almost uncontrollably. Like I was trying to get away from someone who was shooting audio bullets at my right ear. The effect of this problem cannot be overstated and here's why:

When something as important as your music is jacked with, when you rely on this medium to get you to and from work, the store, the skatepark, the gym and other destinations, and all of sudden, you have to deal with a severe imbalance in your musical universe, life is skewed. It's off kilter. It's on it's head. It's effed up. Suddenly, I have no groove. My life has no beat, no musical mojo and no rhythm. The buzz has taken root in my head and I can't shut it off. Even when I play symphonic pieces from one of my favorite playlists, Shellie's 40th Birthday for Phil, it buzzes. It hisses. It pops and makes the doors rattle. I turn it down, and it becomes a low thrum. I turn it medium and it cuts like a vibrating weed whacker. I turn it up and the window appears to be melting while the hair in my nose (though not much hair--thanks Jil) begins to curl.

This is a bad situation. Made worse by the fact that my budget does not currently allow for new front speakers. It's an existential dilemma of epidemic proportions: do I eat or get a new speaker? To be continued...

Our Favorite Idol Contestant of the Week: Lil Rounds

We love her and think she will destroy everyone on this season's show.


  1. I like Jil's beauty tip of the week. Would it be possible to have Oil Can's entire face waxed?... voo

  2. Oh Gabe, your so called friend sounds like a total weiner! Way to defend yourself. Phil I am so sorry about your speaker problem. Eating is way over rated--I vote to fix the speaker.

  3. Gabe- take brass knuckles to Jacksons house next time
    Jil- does that technique work on legs?
    Angus- I feel your pain dude. heres what you do- take your I-pod, headphones in your car.
    Eat on!

  4. Gabe... All you gotta do is give me a call and say the magic word... I will make him go away from your life.

    Phil... If you dont have music in your life... what else is there? NOTHING!!! Is it even worth eating? HELL NO its not!!! Your 'lil nephew Riley has a speaker for you that will fit. Call me so you can get back on the happy train.


  5. Thanks everyone for your concern for my musical well being. I will be contacting Riley for my speaker hook up and look forward to the world making sense again. Wolf, DO NOT try Jil's technique on your legs. It will rip the titanium right out of your knees.

  6. Dearest Angus,
    My heart goes out to you. My love of driving very old Audi's and Saabs has put me in similar straits. For a few months I actualy rigged a boom box, balanced on that hump just behind and between the two front seats. In another car, I had to ship all four speakers to Florida for very costly repairs--which also meant an hour or two on the uninstall and the same on the re-install, all in the winter cold. What we won't do for tunes in the car. But you put it SO much better. Hope your dilemna is solved soon.

    Love, Bubba

  7. After not having the internet for 2 weeks, it is finally fixed and I can communicate with you in the techno world...Gabe, stick to your guns and defend have to look out for #1..(not me, you!)
    Sorry about your speaker prob, Phil..if we didn't have music the world would most definately come to a screeching halt...for all of us who depend on it so religiously...and my pick for Am.Idol is also Lil Rounds..I had her pegged at the very first audition..I kind of like that girl from Utah..if you can get past that ass ugly tattoo..and her swinging around when she sings is a bit annoying...and go Lil Kim on DWTS..she can move pretty good and kind of adds an element of thugness to the dance floor...that's all.