Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Perfect Valentine's Day: Male and Female Edition

Here is what you need to do to make Valentine's Day the most romantic, perfect day of the year for your loved one. First, I will advise the Males:

Morning--get up at 6am and wash her car. You need to vacuum and detail the inside, then polish the outside so it is nice and pretty and makes her very happy when she gets in it. On the way home from washing the car, stop buy the grocery store and get some flowers. You may need to do this the night before but I've found if you swing by Harmon's at around 7am, they usually have a nice selection of bouquets. Buy these but don't buy any chocolates. Tacky.

Upon arriving home, arrange the flowers in a vase and then begin making breakfast. In my case, I just need to reach into the fridge and pull out a Slim Fast and pop the top for Jil. Pretty simple. In your case, you need to go all out: OJ, pancakes, eggs, fruit, bacon, whatever she loves. And coffee. Get that ready. You should be hitting the 8am mark now.


Now, go take a shower. And clean yourself up. Need I say more? And brush and floss. And use mouthwash. Then dress yourself in something nice and snappy. No t-shirts today. Wear your good jeans and some cool shoes.

At this point she should be stirring. Try to be quiet and don't act too eager to get anything going or even do anything. This is her day and you need to let it unfold the natural way. You have set things up so hopefully it will go your way but you need to be patient. Don't bombard her with questions this early. Just say nice things, listen and be attentive.

After breakfast, suggest a movie or a nice late lunch with some kind of cocktail hour included. If you are feeling brave and want to take this thing to the next level, tell her you'd like to accompany her shopping and she can go wherever she wants and you'll wait for her and love every minute of it. If this is sincere, it's a golden move. If it's not sincere, go back to 6am and start over.

The day is now wearing on and you are creating a perfect mood for what will happen later in the evening. You've done nice things for her at this point, you've cleaned her car, made breakfast, brought home flowers, went shopping with her and now you're relaxing at Starbucks having a decaf latte while she is chatting with her mom or friend and you're reading the paper. The day is flowing just like you planned.

Dinner: Surprise her. Take her somewhere upscale but not extravagant. A place you can afford (in my case, McDonalds), because you do not want her to ask in the middle of the lamb croquette appetizer, "How can you afford this place?" Instant mood killer. Don't draw attention to any weird or fancy dishes either. Some sushi or nice New York strip steak or nice salad with some wine and that is plenty.

Try to get her drunk but don't be obvious about it.

Later, at home: All of your careful planning is now about to pay off. In essence, this has been the longest foreplay of your entire life so don't blow it now. Be patient. Relax with a nightcap, watch an episode of a favorite show and snuggle on the couch. But don't wait too long. Food plus wine plus Dexter means an early bedtime. So make your move as soon as the TV is off. You need to have all your skills ready to go. Use a cheat sheet if you have to. Surprise her. Use the swirl instead of the twist.

Males, you will thank me profusely at how the rest of the night will go.

OK, now, Females, here is what you need to do to make your partner's Valentine's Day the best ever:

Unbutton the top button of your blouse and leave it like that, ALL DAY! Done!

Happy V-Day!

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