Monday, February 16, 2009

Footloose: A Thank You Letter to Kevin Bacon

Dear Kevin Bacon,

I am sure by now, Kevin, you are deep into your extensive wine collection after getting the news that Bernie Madoff screwed you and Kyra of millions of your hard earned acting doll-hairs. All those crappy movies for naught. BUT, no worries. Because you, dear Kevin, were once...

Ren McCormack, rebel, city kid and, yes, DANCER!

I just wanted to thank you for your performance in that perfect slice of 80's Velveeta known as Footloose. You brought a certain gravitas to the rebel-with-a-cause-and-that-cause-is-to-dance; a kind of crazy, foot tappin and spiky haired flair in playing a nut job that eventually gets to have his wish of hosting a dance for his high school buds and nabbing the hot, preacher's daughter. Oh Kevin, you're just naughty and so perfect for this role. When you get all pissed because the town is looking at your every move as a threat to its wholesome existence and you drive off to the flour mill in your yellow VW Bug to dance your troubles away, I thought to myself: shit, who hasn't done this? Who hasn't just jumped in the car, skeedaddled to a private barn type setting, and jumped, leapt and gymnasticized their way to some kind of teenage catharsis? Hell, we've all done that.

What about when you teach your buddy to find his inner rhythm and the two of you be-bop all over the school, the football field and every possible open aired venue with your cute headphones on? (Chris Penn, R.I.P., by the by). That rocked. I appreciated your sensitivity to your friend's plight and showed him that dancing can be a way of bro bonding. Hell, we've all done that! I remember grabbing a dude friend of mine in high school, heading over to the tennis courts with our boombox, and just dancin' away: around the nets, close to the chain link fence, a-leapin' and a-grinnin' all West Side Story like. It was so sweet. Good times Kevin, thank you for reminding me.

Finally, Kevin, I want you to ponder your legacy of acting left in the wake of your performance as Ren. Incidentally, what is Ren short for anyway? Reniford? Rendaggle? Renhoffer? Weirdest Title Character Name Ever. The only leftover of Ren has surfaced in the 90's with Ren and Stimpy, a totally demented cartoon which has neither Kenny Loggins nor dancing. But, I digress.

Kevin, think of all your roles. Think of the one guy who rides the bicycle, and the one guy who was opposite Sean Penn in that cop show and the one guy who was a child molester and the other guy....ah, who cares. We can't remember any of your movies and neither can you. But, we all remember Ren and how you spiked your hair, and hiked up your freakin' light blue jeans to your nipples, and wore your David Bowie skinny tie on the first day of school and almost jumped off the tractor when you were having that duel with the other dude who wants to nab the hot preacher's daughter. You, sir, have cemented your legend for generations to come. Thank you Kevin/Ren.

"I thought this was a party...c'mon, LET'S DANCE!!!"


  1. First off, I'm a little concerned that you are blogging about Bacon at 3:30 in the morning but secondly I'm so glad you did! He should have ended his career with Footloose and spared us all from movies like Hollow Man. Your blog is hours of entertainment although I'm concerned about your sleep deprivation.

  2. Me and the Manti guys dance like that at the farm on Saturday afternoons.......


  3. Well, I guess if you have your own blog you can say whatever you want. To smack down the Bac-On is almost criminal. Who hasn't dreamed of dancing/prancing all by themselves in a barn (ask Oil Can), driving around in a cool yellow v-dub, smoking in high school, shlogging the bishops daughter and having a name like Ren!
    What's next, slamming "The Sound of Music"?
    By the way, I think I saw Ren washing his car at the Payson car wash last week.

  4. How could John Lithgow be so nice to Harry, in Harry and the Henderson's, and then so mean to Ren, I never understood that growing up.