(this interview was conducted at a shadowy bar in NYC, but NOT under a full moon):
WOLFMAN-L.C.JR.: So, Nimrod, uh, can I call you Nimrod?
A-Rod: Sure! All the guys in my clubhouse call me that. And A-Fraud sometimes! It's awesome! It shows that I'm one of the guys and that I belong and that they don't judge me even though I have a perfect manicure and wear eyeliner.
WM: Um, ok, I guess. So, you have now sort of confessed to using steroids in a couple of your previous seasons with the Texas Rangers, around '01 to '03. Today you had the chance to really come clean and let people know who the REAL A-Rod is and what he is about. This is something I feel strongly about since I have always been misunderstood and have always wanted folks to accept me and my little "problem". In other words, if you give me a venue and let me explain my nocturnal tendencies, I could turn some folks my way. Know what I'm sayin, A-Dog?
AR: Not really! But I'm sorry for whatever it is you said! Have you seen the video, "Like A Virgin"? That chick is dope, son! I keep texting her but haven't heard back in a week or so. Any advice?
WM: You mean, advice for avoiding you since you're a million dollar stalker winey baby or advice for watching better videos like Michael Jackson's "Thriller", one of my personal favorites?
AR: Cool, that works! I need to text my cousin and make sure he stays on post outside her house. I think he has some "special juice" to keep him awake! You know what I mean, Wolfie??
WM: Not really, Nut-Job, and if you call me Wolfie again I'm changing shape and sending your spleen into the upper deck, understood?
AR: I know about the upper deck Wolf Baby! I've hit a few dingers up there, and some right out of the ball park! I feel so good when I swing, like I've got so much power, even though I've been off that yucky stuff for five years now. I mean, talk about a powerful Tic Tac! Whew! That had some kick dude!
WM: Wow, you might be brain dead. What I am trying to tell you, A-Doof, is that you could have had a very serious impact on your image this week,
for the better. I'm trying to impart a life lesson here, one earned by many nights of murder, blood lust and mayhem. I am not proud of what I become, I want to be a better man. I want to change my future and it is so tragically out of my control--I DON'T WANT TO BECOME A WOLFMAN BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE, A-BONER!! You do! Don't you get that? You have God-given talent and perfect hair, like me. You could be somebody, instead of a chump. Am I reaching you? Confess everything, show some remorse, quit blaming your idiot cousin, quit saying you were young and stupid and grow a pair! Or do you want to borrow mine because I have cajones to spare? You understand me now, since I used a word in your semi-native tongue?
AR: Oh arriba, arriba, undalay kimosabe!! I am the great A-Rod, and I think all my teammates and fans will get past this with no problem-o! This year will be the best ever! I'm not young and dumb anymore, Mr. Wolf Guy, I am a future Hall of Famer with lots of money, lip gloss and game!!
WM: Good hell, where is the great Mickey Mantle when you need him? I think he could sort you out pretty good, A-Dip. This is one of the things I long for, just before I grow lots of hair, sharp teeth and begin to howl like Robert Plant on GOOD steroids--I long to get back to that place where we all believed that you were doing all of your amazing feats of baseball athleticism naturally. That innocence is forever gone. We are a Nation of Doubters and you and your sorry ass teammates are to blame. The one thing we could always count on, when the economy is sometimes down, when we are in a war, when life is a true bummer, was the glorious thrill of watching our favorite sports stars doing the thing that no one else in the world can do. And it inspired us, made us feel that with just enough work and luck and focus, we could have success in our own lives; whether in our jobs, our families or our weekend hobbies. We could be great. We could change. But now? I'm just depressed.
What is your response to that, A-Dink?
AR: Loved talkin' to ya Wolf Stud! I am off to discuss the answers for my next press conference with my agent, publicist, hairstylist, manager and real estate agent! Home prices are down, brutha, great time to buy!! You wanna Tic Tac before I go?
WM: No, just a gun...with a silver bullet.