Sunday, May 24, 2009

Letter to Jon: I'm Sorry; David Lee Roth; Hank

Dear Jon,

I will admit when I'm wrong and I was wrong about you. You are actually the nice one. You actually want to be a good person and try to to do the right thing. And you are the one that deserves to be exonerated for your public misdeeds, not your shrill of a wife Kate. I did try to stay on her side and really support her efforts of being the mother of eight and a possibly sympathetic individual. However today, in my weekly quest for enlightenment that is the trip to Wal-Mart, I was reading a People magazine in line (scoff if you must but you do it too) and the headline read: Kate--From Mother to Monster--She's fired 40 assistants in the past three months; she cares about tanning and her appearance more than her kids; (and some other bad thing about her). And I just caught a recent episode from the end of last season that showed her yelling at Jon like he was a little kid, in a Target, while the other customers looked on with their mouths open. When they walked outside, Jon was pissed. "I'm mad at you," he says. She says, "Why? What did I do?" He says, "You yelled at me like I was a dog, in front of all those people. I was humiliated." She says, "I did? Honestly, I don't even think of anyone else when I am in that kind of mood. I didn't even see that there were other people in the store. What do you want me to do?" He says, "Apologize." She shrugs her shoulders and gets in their large Sprinter van.

I switched from her team to his team at that moment.

Fame may have made her awful Jon but I have a feeling she was bred to be a bee-aatch. Sure celebrity can have it's downside and it may have gone to her head. She has a successful book and a recognizable face. Who doesn't like to be recognized? She now has money and can provide her brood with the best. But she doesn't have to be mean. I really didn't think she was that mean but she's one of those F***ing Pit Vipers that Melissa Rivers keeps going on about (Celebrity Apprentice reference ya'll). I can see why you wanted to fall into the arms of another woman. You were looking for a safe haven and an understanding soul.

I wonder what you were both like when you met. You didn't realize who she was until it was too late; OR, it is just too hard to predict how someone will react when conditions change or their environment is turned upside down. People are a mystery Jon and it's hard to count on them. On the surface you suppose one thing and once reality hits, it's something else entirely.

Things just usually aren't what they seem.

Isn't this the truest thing in life? EXPECTATIONS ARE RARELY IF EVER MET. The restaurant you've heard and read about is not that great; your kids are given a task to do and they do it incorrectly if they do it at all; you wait for a phone call from your kids and it comes either too late or at the wrong time; you think your neighbor will mow their lawn and trim back their bushes but they don't; work is mediocre and tedious most of the time and on the day you think your boss will let you out early, he doesn't; the movie you've seen advertised that the critics say is the re-invention of cinema totally blows (hello Atonement) and on it goes.

Here are some things that will always meet your expectations Jon. Keep this list handy and refer to it when you feel off balance and need to center yourself. These things are exactly what you'd expect them to be and you can always count on them:

1. Drivers in Utah County are always awful. Don't know what it is about the driver education programs, the water or the lack of side mirrors, but drivers in the Village are hands down the worst ever. Never look when changing lanes, go through every yellow light even it it's pretty much red, go too fast then too slow and never wave when you let them in. Clueless and inept are their signposts. You can't avoid them if you're down there so just don't go down there.

2. Cormac McCarthy books are always amazing. This guy kills with every book and you can count on it. The Road, All the Pretty Horses, No Country for Old Men, Blood Meridian, take your pick. The prose is perfect, the characters are deep and you will think about these stories long after you read them. Pick one up on the way to your mistresses house and you can thank me later.

3. AC/DC makes the same album every time and it sounds exactly like you think (and hope) it will sound. So does Slayer.

4. Irish Car Bombs are the perfect drink. You take a pint of Guiness, throw some Baileys irish cream in there and then drop in a shot glass full of whiskey and drink it all down in one shot. It tastes like chocoloate milk and you can have three and you won't get sick (unlike Long Island Ice Tea which makes you sick after two sips). You will soon forget your troubles Jon and all of life's answers will be made clear. Or you'll quietly pass out and wake up to the nightmare that is your life. Either way, the drink is money.

5. Fiji is apparently the most perfect vacation spot on earth. I'm taking my niece's word on this (see Annie's blog and the photos) but it looks pretty sweet and not as touristy as Hawaii. Jon, go there as soon as you can and clear your head. Any tropical paradise at any time is ok by me.

6. Finally, listen to David Lee Roth in all his wisdom. Jon, you will not be lead astray if you follow the words of David Lee Roth. Here are just a few nuggets from the mighty DLR:

  • Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.
  • I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
  • I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money.
  • He who knows how will always work for he who knows why.
  • Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

Diamond Dave comin' at ya!

Good Luck Jon, you poor bastard. I hope it all works out for you.

With much sympathy,


HANK: R.I.P. mister

A year ago this Memorial Day
weekend, Hank was hit by a car and

died. Hank wasn't a good cat like our other feline O.C.; Hank threw up on Jil's couch and he made scratch marks in very expensive furniture. He liked to go away outside for up to 10 days at a time and he never told us where he went or what he was up to. He was a naughty cat but he was like the teenager that wrecks your car, has a party and leaves beer cans on the back porch and makes dumb teen age decisions. However, you can't help but love them because deep down they are pretty solid. Hank is buried in our back yard. He had a great life and lived in eight different apartments/houses and two different states. He was from Texas but I won't
hold that against him. I just miss him.

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