Letter to Kate (of Jon & Kate Plus 8)

Dear Kate,

Life sure has a cruel sense of humor, doesn't it? One minute you're Queen of the Reality TV Moms and the next you're The One He Cheated On. You have my sympathy and my pity and I will join with you in your anger for your wandering spouse, Jon. I will curse the heavens and shake an enraged fist at the fickle hand of fate that has thrown you so uncerimoniously to the paparazzi dogs.

In short, Happy Mother's Day.

What a bummer: you guys try to have kids, you can't, you take the baby drugs, you get pregnant and then pregnant again and then again and ad infinitum. Well, at least until you got to eight. Eight kids. I seriously cannot even imagine that life. The diaper changing alone would have me so far up the ass end of a bottle of Jack I would never come out. And the whining, the crying, the bitching, the complaining and the tantrums...from Jon. The kids are ok. It's that little bitch Jon that drives me crazy. He is a true milquetoast, not fit for you. I truly thought when I first watched your program that you were the harpy to end all harpies. I hated your smug, disgusted looks and the way you always talked down to Jon like he was just another soggy mouth to feed. But now I see what you were doing: you were getting ready for the day when you could plan your breakaway. You are brilliant Kate. You will end up making a ton of money (aside from the ton you've already made) when this is all over. You are on your way to Oprahville. Women who get cheated on and then recover have the sympathy and willing credit cards of millions. You will start a talk show, or write a book, or sell your rights to a production company or go on a self-help tour. Really, the possibilities are endless.

And what about that little pinhead of a husband, Jon? Where does he end up? My money is he finds himself where all true d-bags wind up: on VH1. He probably will make some money doing a dating show, or appearing in a porno or writing his own version of how things went. But that will be short lived. He has no spine. He has no will of his own. We all know you are the glue holding that family together. Oh, aside from the money he brings in which is a moot point now. You will be the Uber Bread Winner Kate. He has misstepped and now you are in the proverbial catbird seat.

As for the tears? Save them. Save them for your babies. Focus on your children because they really need you now. When they ask where Daddy is or why he's moving out or when will he come back, you have to be octo-strong for all of them. No time for self-pity or self-reflection. No time to ask why or spendng empty nights trying to figure out "where I went wrong." Kate, you did NOTHING wrong. You gave birth and that is all. You did it really, really well and that's ok. You married below your station and that will also change. Someone is out there Kate, waiting for the right time to come in and be the Best Step Dad Ever. Just be patient and hire a nanny.

Or four.

Love,
Costanza