The Masters: Golf Porn! Gabe Disses Phil Big Time! Band/Artist of the Week

The Masters: Take It All Off!

The introduction to the Masters on Thursday was done by Harry Connick Jr. It was filled with phrases like "renewal of rituals", "rites of spring" "magic in the magnolias" and very lusty words such as "verdant" "bountiful" and "lush". After watching it I felt kind of dirty, like I just watched someone do it on a golf course. A very beautiful golf course, no doubt, but all the same I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I watched images of flying bees, lifting off the stamen of pregnant, gorgeous flowers, their sweet nectar juices...see? I can't help it either, this tournament just makes you want to say really sexy things about it. And the super long, longing camera looks at blinding white sand and every angle imaginable of really tall pine trees. Listen, golf is as much in my blood as blood itself, and even I have to just chuckle at how heavy with TRADITION and how TIMELESS and UNBELIEVABLY GRAND this whole show is. Jim Nantz, one of my favorite sports reporters, just about shoots in his plaid pants every time some player walks down a fairway, crosses THE BRIDGE ON NO. 12 or leans mightily on their golf club and just takes in the complete atmosphere. He almost whispers every time he speaks during this tourney, as if the guys can hear him way up in his cozy broadcast booth. Such is THE MASTERS, golf porn at its best. And where will I be this Sunday? On my couch, staring at the most luscious golf course ever built, with a box of tissues at the ready.

Brought down low by my stepson

The opportunities that I have to look cool in front of my son and wife are very few and far between. Not that I go around looking uncool but a scenario rarely arises where I can show a different, more "take charge" side of personality. I'm usually just the worker bee making coffee, making lunch, taking out trash, washing a car or two, rearranging the garage and so forth. However, earlier this week, such a situation arose and it was perfect: I went outside to get the lawnmower started for Jil. She loves mowing the lawn and hey, more power to her. I checked the spark plug, the filter, the oil level and all was good. Full of gas it started up after just a few pulls. Feeling good I looked around for some other manly shit I could do when all of a sudden, we both heard a POP! I looked towards the street and a Ford Explorer has tried to make a u-turn on 13th East, right in front of our house. The tire hit our curb and basically blew apart. Driving this car was a 19-20 year old female who immediately backed up and tried to keep going. No way. Tire was toast.

"Ah hah!" I thought. "This is awesome. I'm going to make this girl's day by being a really good guy and getting that tire changed." I walked out to the curb and took charge: I directed her how to pull into the driveway to prevent further tire damage, I introduced myself as The Freakin' Stud of the Block (her name was Samantha) and she gazed at me like I was an angel sent from Pep Boy Heaven. Jil kind of looked over at me, figured I had it under control, and went back to mowing the lawn. At this point, Samantha decided to call her boyfriend to come help. Whatever my dear, I thought, this is going to get handled, THIS SHIT IS GOING TO GET WORKED BY COSTANZA!! I was in position, I had located her tire jack (oops, back to Masters porn, sorry, I'll stop now) and I was busy jacking up the front end. Just then her boyfriend shows up with his buddy and he proceeds to jump in to help. His name is Chase. "It's all good my man", I say. "I'm taking care of business so just hand me the tire iron and stay out of the way. This is a man's game bitch!" I didn't really say this but I really wanted to. Chase was really nice by the way.

So, the spare tire is extracted from under the Explorer, the jack is doing it's job, I am busy unscrewing lug nuts to get the shredded tire off, all my peeps are around me watching and even my wife is kind of looking on to see how cool this all is, when who should appear?

Gabe.

Just like Bart Simpson, he rolls up on his skateboard after being at his friend's house and surveys the whole scene in 2 seconds. With a voice loud enough for God to hear, he says:

"Phil! What are you doing? YOU CAN'T CHANGE A TIRE!"

The girl all of sudden looks at me, stunned. Chase looks at his feet. His buddy starts texting and Jil begins to chuckle. Gabe continues:

"Seriously, what is going on? Are you going to change that tire? What happened? How do you know how to do this? Are the police coming?"

Mortified, ashamed and beaten down, I sigh heavily and continue with my manly charade destroyed. 13 minutes later the tire is changed, the lawn is mowed, Gabe has forgotten the whole thing and I'm on the phone to my therapist.

Scoreboard: Phil O, Gabe 1


Artist of the Week/Band of the Week


Just like a hot Krispy Kreme donut, Robyn is all sugar, warmth and full of empty calories. I'm fatally attracted to this Abba-like rubbish but she has some very catchy tunes. She hails from Sweden and is currently in the throes of a pop makeover: she began at age 12, had her first album at 17, was going to tour with the Backstreet Boys but had some health issues. She's also had major label complications but that hasn't stopped her. Released in spring of '08, Robyn is full of three to four minute pop tunes that you cannot get out of your head. More minimalist than her girly counterparts, she has some grit to her tunes that keep you coming back for more. A guilty pleasure no doubt but that doesn't make her any less enjoyable.



She also had a no. 1 hit in the UK with "With Every Heartbeat" which is in the Playlist.



Weird cover art = cool sounds inside!!!

Mastodon is the Band of the Week and they come from Atlanta, GA. Founded by Brann Dailor, possibly the best heavy drummer around, Mastodon are exactly what the name implies: heavy, massive and punishing. They are stoner rock at its finest with a lot of Yes, Rush and Iron Maiden thrown in. And a little Slayer. This is the meat and potatoes you need after binging on Robyn. Their new CD is called Crack the Skye, which is a mystical tale revolving around Rasputin, astral time travel and other weird, proggy nonesense. But it works. They are in the second half of the Playlist.