To fully understand what we're dealing with, here is the POSITIVE email that was sent my way. (And my favorite phrase is "I've tamed the beast inside").
I KNOW I CAN: I am not a complainer, a criticizer, or faultfinder. I am a builder, not a destroyer. My trademark is a blend of realism and optimism. My eye is always fixed on success, on what can happen, and on what is possible- not on their opposites.
I CONTROL ME: Anger, frustration, and fear must be controlled, or they most certainly will control me. I have tamed the beast inside.
I AM ALWAYS RELAXED: I don’t avoid pressure because to me pressure doesn’t exist. Pressure is something that other people put on themselves. Being put to the test is not a threat. It’s simply another opportunity to explore the outer limits of my potential.
I AM ENERGIZED: I am capable of getting myself pumped up and energized for doing my best, no matter how I feel or how bad or meaningless the situation. I am my own igniter and can do so in spite of fatigue, personal problems, or bad luck.
I AM DETERMINED TO SUCCEED: I am relentless in the pursuit of my goals. Setbacks are taken in stride as I inch my way further forward, ever onward.
I AM FOCUSED: I am capable of long and intensive periods of total concentration. I am capable of tuning in what’s important and tuning out what’s not; whether there is nothing on the line or everything on the line.
I AM A WINNER: I display a nearly unshatterable sense of confidence and belief in myself and my ability to perform well. I never fall victim to my own or others’ self-defeating thoughts and ideas. As a consequence, I am not easily intimidated. On the contrary, because of my confident appearance, I often become the intimidator.
I AM RESPONSIBLE: I take full responsibility for my actions; there are no excuses. I either did or I did not. Ultimately, everything begins and ends with me, and I am comfortable with that. I am fully aware that my destiny is in my own hands. My future is my own.
I AM DRIVEN FROM WITHIN: I don’t need to be pushed, shoved, or coerced from outside forces. My direction comes from within. I am involved because I want to be.
As you all know, most of the above is bullshit. So, here is my own version of THE ULTIMATE BATTLE:
I KNOW I CAN...CONTROL THE DVR PLAYER
This is the greatest invention of mankind--the DVR. And the power to control what you watch, when you want to watch it is unprecedented. But with this great power comes great responsibility. You have to manage your recording carefully; otherwise, you may expect to watch Mad Men only to find out it was knocked out of your playlist because your son decided to double record Danny and the Dingo and Mad Men didn't record. This unimaginable horror can be rectified by diligently checking your recordings on a daily basis to make sure your show will make your Playlist.
I CONTOL ME...BUT FIBER PILLS HELP IMMENSELY
I have found after travelling far and wide the past two months that nothing helps control your daily regimen like a fiber pill. Salad helps but to really achieve that perfect blend of regularity and constancy, you have to supplement with a little thing I like to call, Philly's Poo Buddy. Oh yeah, fiber is the bomb. And I mean "BOMB!"
I AM ALWAYS RELAXED...AFTER SEX
I AM ENERGIZED...AFTER COFFEE
Also, 'nuff said.
I AM DETERMINED TO SUCCEED...AT MAKING THE PERFECT DRINK
Here is Costanza's recipe for the ultimate drink on a Saturday night. Everyone have their pencils? You buy a bottle of Boylan Soda Company's Orange Seltzer Soda and place it in the freezer for about 10 minutes. While it is in the freezer, you carefully choose your glass. It should be hefty and fit comfortably in your hand, but not too deep. We are looking for a nice drink, not a frat house drunken free-for-all. Volume of drink and mixing of this drink are critical. Once you have chosen your glass, fill it 2/3 of the way with CRUSHED ice. This is absolutely essential. Crushed ice allows for the alcohol, the juice and the lime to mix into all sorts of different crevices and icy areas that make this drink oh so yummy.
Now, grab your limes. You MUST buy organic limes from a health food store. Trust me, they taste completely different from a lime in the regular grocery store. Cut this lime into sensible wedges and grab one of the wedges. Now squeeze it gently over the ice, making sure the lime juice covers the top layer of ice. Place the remainder of the lime in the glass. Next stop: alcohol. Vodka, to be exact. Your preference of vodka is in your hands but make it at least the caliber of Stoli or Grey Goose. Anything less and you're just drinking to get drunk. That's not our goal here folks.
Grab your shot glass and fill it with vodka. Pour slowly over the ice and lime. It should now be settled comfortably at the bottom of the glass after enjoying it's journey cascading down over the icy sheets of lime infused goodness nestling resplendently in your glass. Thirsty yet?
OK, last stop: get the seltzer from the freezer. Open and pour until the soda is covering all of the ice. Put the bottle down and grab your favorite stirring mechanism. As you stir, don't cause a ruckus. Just move the items around lovingly together in the glass so they can get to know one another. Once this is done, let your drink sit for about 1-2 minutes. This allows for all the mixed parts to really fuse as one and it also allows you time to get on your favorite sipping clothes and choose your favorite place to enjoy this wonderful elixir.
I AM FOCUSED.
Hell yeah I'm focused, didn't you just read the above paragraphs???
I AM A WINNER...AT CONSISTENTLY KICKING MY OWN ASS
Is it not true folks that we are our own worst enemies? Can any other person truly jack up our lives like we can? I submit that no one has the power to fully wreck their own life path like ourselves. No one can sublimely and truthfully f*** up every good thing that comes their way like yours truly. If I just stopped for one second and didn't try so hard to become perfect and wonderful and make every decision THE EXACT RIGHT ONE, I would be doing a lot better. Bottom line: get out of your own way.
I AM RESPONSIBLE...FOR MAKING GABE'S BREAKFAST
This is actually really difficult. He doesn't eat a lot of varied items. So, to mix up a bagel with some apples and almond butter, like I did this morning, borders on genius. When he leaves for school full and happy, I am happy.
I AM DRIVEN FROM WITHIN...TO CREATE THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN PARTY
This really is my only true goal in life. My ultimate Halloween/Evil Ball party consists of horse drawn carriages, a castle, large gargoyles, character actors serving drinks dressed as the Wolf Man, Frankenstein, Dracula, et al, and a gourmet buffet with an open bar. This is my goal and this is The Beast that I must not tame, but let loose and let it run wild. I know I can do it and with these rules as my guide, I will succeed.